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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

538 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 12:44

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

OP posts:
DarkRoomDarren · 22/03/2018 15:07

it does sound like a huge fuss, maybe just say no kids and let them decline invitation or find childcare

Way too much fuss! And I really don’t think you’re doing anyone the big favour you think. Just make it simple, have no children at all and let people decline or accept. So much less stress for everyone.

SweetieBaby · 22/03/2018 15:08

We had children at our wedding, including a 2 year old bridesmaid. They all behaved beautifully. Yes they made some noise, just general chatter and, I'm clearly going against the grain here, but we loved it. They were all close family or our god children and they made our day special.

wendz86 · 22/03/2018 15:08

Yes i would and have but not everyone did at my wedding.

Olddear · 22/03/2018 15:08

I had a child free wedding. Anyone who wanted to take the huff was welcome. We had a great day!!!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 22/03/2018 15:09

If they are too young to understand how to sit still and be quiet during ceremony and speeches, they are too young to understand the significance of a wedding or remember it when older

ladymelbourne1926 · 22/03/2018 15:10

I wouldn't take offence but I wouldn't leave my children with a nanny either. I'd just miss the ceremony.
For me weddings are about families and people who loves each other all together.
My ds1 ran up and gave my sister in law a hug during her vows, to my brother, he just ran. She loved it, bend down hugged him and then continued, 7 years later it's still the first story she tells and it makes her laugh. Weddings in our family are always loud crazy affairs.

gillybeanz · 22/03/2018 15:10

Sorry, it's not illegal.
I worked at lots of weddings where parents go off get drunk and leave their dc with entertainer and auntie.
All sorts of ages, it's at the discretion of the parents.

Gosh, entertainers and aunties would be out of work if they had to work in ratios.
What a lot od dim answers, weddings are private affairs and have nothing to do with Ofsted Grin Grin Grin

Original poster
HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 15:10

Itsu, can you please do me the favour of not personally responding to anymore of my posts; you seem to be hellbent on attavking and picking. Thanks so much.

OP posts:
acquiescence · 22/03/2018 15:10

Sounds like a wonderful idea. I have sat though several ceremonies with a baby/toddler, feeding then raisins, shhing and bouncing them, feeding and trying to keep their dummies in. I would’ve enjoyed it so much more if I could’ve put them in a little crèche!

DarkRoomDarren · 22/03/2018 15:10

You've also said that you've deliberately booked a very child unfriendly venue with hard floors and no outside space

Confused jeez op, it’s one thing to not want children ruining Your Day, but this is actually quite cruel. Poor children if they do turn up.

Original poster
HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 15:13

We didn't deliberately pick the venue as it's not child-freindly... guess we just had the audacity to really like it, think of it as a very convenient location and get a good price. We're horrible people, obviously!

OP posts:
Mookatron · 22/03/2018 15:14

She hasn't booked a venue with hard floors in order to brain the little kids! Come on!

ItsuAddict · 22/03/2018 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoAteAllthePercyPigs · 22/03/2018 15:17

I agree OP and think your approach is very fair and rational.

I wanted a child free wedding. My DH didn't. So we had children at our wedding. The vast majority were very well behaved. Apart from one toddler who ran amok and made noise through the vows. It was a wooden floor and she had noisy shoes on. It was very distracting. What really annoyed me was that her mum, my uni friend, was there with her DH. Obvs I know her very well. Him, not so much. She was heavily pregnant at the time, so would it have been too much to expect him to scoop his daughter up and take her elsewhere?

I'm now a mum of 2 and honestly, I'd much rather attend a wedding without kids. It's such a long day for them, lots of waiting around for things to happen. Plus I want to enjoy a day out without the kids, to wear nice clothes, have a few drinks and enjoy time with my DH!

We have two weddings coming up. One with kids, one without. I don't think I need tell you which one I'm looking forward to the most (oh and if my DC make noise during the ceremony, I'm taking them outside!)

mamamalt · 22/03/2018 15:17

I agree with the people saying you should just say no children. It's your day and should be how you want. To be honest (and not rude!) you don't sound like a fan of children particularly at these events so just don't put yourself through it.
I don't agree and I think I wouldn't care if kids were making noise (not crying or upset though!) but I'm a mum of a!n 18month old who will be two and very much present when we get married so! Each to their own !!

Mookatron · 22/03/2018 15:18

If it was completely unsuitable for small children they would not be allowed as the venue wouldn't be able to get insurance.

I'm all for a bit of healthy debate but seriously people are allowed to choose their wedding venues on personal preference.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 22/03/2018 15:20

I do agree with those saying that a child free wedding is what you want, and tbh if you're going to puss people off by banning children from the ceremony you might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and just outright ban them from the wedding.

All the attempts to pacify people with half concessions whilst maintaining a very specific idea of what you want is going to leave everyone unhappy. Might as well have what you actually want and accept the fallout before hand.

The only thing that would be unreasonable on your part would be being upset with people for declining because they'd rather not attend a child free wedding/ don't want to use or can't use childcare. Nobody is obliged to attend your wedding.

BlackBetha · 22/03/2018 15:21

We had a child-free wedding (that was pretty much the only thing I went bridezilla about and insisted on) and never regretted it for a moment. It wasn't a very child-friendly venue, and as adorable as kids can be, I just didn't feel like having the noise and fuss on that particular day.

It's absolutely fine to say no kids, and it's actually much less trouble than setting complicated rules about which children are allowed based on age/closeness of relationship/whatever, or trying to negotiate exactly what level of disturbance will require the child to be taken outside, or expecting parents to use a particular creche or nanny service that might not suit their child.

LillyputLane · 22/03/2018 15:22

Unfortunately I think the people whose children make the most noise are those who are least likely to remove them.

This !

she's audible in the wedding video, talking over the responses over the vows, being a distraction and generally a pain in the arse. My friend will never get those special moments back.

And this is exactly why I did what you are doing OP, no kids for the ceremony or speeches. I paid a lot of money to have these things captured on video for us to watch back, what the hell would've been the point if all you could hear was a toddler babbling on it? I'd have gone full on bridezilla I think.....

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/03/2018 15:22

Well how could you win then, Elli. You can't possibly be damned if you do and dammed if you don't. If you'd have sat there with a baby crying while she was saying her vows she'd have had a face on over that. Bride or no bride. She cant have it both ways.

Yes absolutely I'd take them out. It's just basic etiquette. I suppose realism has to factor in to it, though. You can't expect a toddler to sit bolt right with their fingers on the lips for a full service. Well you can expect it, but with a toddler and the best will and discelpine or bribes in the world that aint going to happen.
That's not bad parenting or a badly behaved child. That's just life.

Notonthestairs · 22/03/2018 15:24

Anyone else wondering if ItsuAddict is the SIL?
I'd offer the room to parents to use rather then bring them in to the service - make it clear on the invite no children in during the service so it's clear one parent needs to be out and supervising.
Or be brave and go child free.
No two year needs to be at a wedding - they'll come through unscathed despite not attending I'm sure.

ItsuAddict · 22/03/2018 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingercat02 · 22/03/2018 15:25

Yep I did. Myself and 2 cousins had grumpy toddlers at another cousins wedding and we took them out to play and just popped back in for the vows. Be rude not to really. They get bored when they are little

AcrossthePond55 · 22/03/2018 15:25

It's your wedding, you're entitled to do what you want and have who you want.

You know, when I was growing up most churches (albeit not the 'historic' ones) had what was known as a 'crying room'. It was at the back of the sanctuary and was usually a separate room with couple of pews and large glass windows looking into the sanctuary. The sound was piped in. If a baby started crying, the parent would move to the crying room and would still be able to see and hear the ceremony. I think they need to bring those back!

Sashkin · 22/03/2018 15:26

I’d say go child-free, but the reality is that the kind of inconsiderate parents who don’t take their screaming kids out are also the kind of inconsiderate parents who bring their little darlings anyway “because surely little Princess Elsa is invited?”

Which is how I ended up only managing to catch 30mins of a friend’s wedding (because I had left 4mo EBF DS down the road with my mum and needed to go back and feed him), but the bride’s ex-fiancé’s sister (ie not the groom’s sister, the groom’s predecessor’s sister, not somebody close to the bride at all) brought her two primary aged kids in fancy dress, and they proceeded to have a sword fight on the chairs during the vows. Parents smiled on beatifically, everyone else had to move seats to get out of the way of flailing fucking lightsabers.