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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cut off contact with step mother?

80 replies

Bonge · 22/03/2018 09:43

Apologies in advance for the long post:

I am 24 and 31 weeks pregnant. The pregnancy wasn't planned and myself and my partner were living with my family until we were financially able to privately rent. This was meant to be for about a year. This was more than welcomed by my dad, who I'd always been close with and seemed to be fine with my dad's wife too.

The relationship between myself and my step mother had sometimes been strained, but throughout recent years, it'd been fine. Once I had moved back home, however, tension had started to mount, but I had no idea why. I had made sure that her house was always tidy, cooked dinner and we generally kept ourselves to ourselves.

She doesn't work and hasn't actually been diagnosed with an illness, but insists that she has rheumatoid arthritis and has managed to have been prescribed Oramoroph for that and Fibromyalgia. I am obviously not a doctor, so I have no idea.

She also has a drinking problem. I didn't realise the extent until I moved back home, but she usually starts drinking around 12pm and then goes to bed about an hour before my dad gets in, so he thinks that she's ill in bed all day. She'd also just had a kidney infection, but was up the next day at midday drinking wine again... she's never a sloppy drunk, she just gets a bit hyper.

It had started to really concern me, as she drinks 2 bottles of wine a night, as well as taking the morphine and tramadol. My partner and I had spoken about this before and had agreed that she wouldn't be left alone with our baby.

It all came to a head a few weeks ago when I was 28 weeks when I was 28 weeks pregnant. It was 10pm and I had absolutely awful back pain. Her TV was blaring and I could hear it through my ear plugs, so I knocked on her door and asked her to turn it down please. She started huffing and scoffing, so I said 'I don't mean to be rude, but I'm 28 weeks pregnant, my back's killing me, I just want to go to sleep please.' and she went 'oh here we go again!' I had never spoken to her about my pregnancy. She really made me feel low about myself and as though I daren't ask her to turn her TV down.

My partner then said he think it'd be best if we stayed with his parents that night, I agreed. The next day, my dad says that he 'thinks that it's best if [we] don't come back' and go and live with his family. I was 28 weeks pregnant and we'd just decorated the bedroom nice for the baby. I was then having to pack our things into bin bags and move into my partner's parents home where nothing had been done. I was distraught.

I am now thinking that it's best if I don't allow my step mother contact at all with the baby. Especially with her alcoholism, but as well as that, I wouldn't want to risk her talking to my daughter the way she had spoken to me.

Am I overreacting here? The argument was so petty, but I'd always been sent away when I argued with her as a teenager and not allowed home until I apologised. I just feel as though the time has come now where I don't want the stress. I just want the best for my baby.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Bonge · 22/03/2018 09:45

Sorry, just to add that she's also adamant that she had Lupus, but all tests have come back negative.

OP posts:
NFATR · 22/03/2018 09:52

If her dr has prescribed oramorph she has a diagnosis of something.

You do sound like a teenager, she's not happy that you, a guest in her home, told her to turn down her own tv, and your response is to never let her see your baby, ever?

You moved in with them to save money and then got pregnant and started decorating nurseries....did you ever talk to her about whether she wanted a baby living in her home? Did you just assume? Sounds like she has had enough of you taking advantage.

Bonge · 22/03/2018 09:55

Do you think? I appreciate the viewpoint.

It was more because of her drinking, really. I think the argument was just the nail on the head really.

I don't want to disrupt the family at all. I just thought it was a bit of an overreaction for a big row over a TV.

She'd encouraged the decorating and picked the colours etc. I was always really mindful that it was her house and to keep it how she'd like it

OP posts:
user1510568216 · 22/03/2018 09:56

If you go NC does that mean losing your dad too? Are you prepared for that. In the nicest possible way I think it's time for you both to stand on your own 2 feet. Have you looked into social housing in the meantime? When the baby comes it will be incredibly difficult living with others unless they completely agree with your rules/boundaries etc. Your SM sounds like an attention seeker. The focus on the new baby will probably make her worse.

Bonge · 22/03/2018 09:59

@user1510568216 - they'd be a big disruption and I wouldn't want to make anyone suffer over a petty row.

My dad had asked us to move in once I found out that we were pregnant. Rent was always paid etc, so I really don't feel like we were taking advantage.

I think you're both right, I am acting OTT and I should just let it go.

Thank you!

OP posts:
mojito55 · 22/03/2018 10:02

Sorry but how's it taking you a year to afford to rent?

Bonge · 22/03/2018 10:06

@mojito55 - They had both initially stated that we could stay for a year, save up etc and then privately rent.

My dad's wife had initially been really enthusiastic about us moving in. Had picked the colour schemes and was offering to help. It just all went sour and I had no idea why. If I'd done something, I would have rather she said. I just couldn't figure out what I had done wrong.

I'm not trying to harm anyone, I know this was an unplanned pregnancy and I know it's the complete wrong time.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 22/03/2018 10:09

As a pp said I think you are behaving like an entitled teenager.

You were a guest in her house, and in the course of just one point you have implied you feel she is a hypochondriac and have complained about her drinking and about her TV volume. If you don't like the living situation in her house, live elsewhere.

I think you and your DP's original idea of not allowing her to be on her own with the baby is reasonable. Not allowing her any contact with the baby is nothing vengeful and puts your dad in an awful position.

Just out of interest, how much rent were you paying?

DeathStare · 22/03/2018 10:10

*just one post. Not point

FittonTower · 22/03/2018 10:10

I wouldn't let an alcoholic care for my children alone. My dad is a drinker (although not to the same extent) and i just don't leave the kids alone with him. I've not gone NC or anything, we get on well but he wouldn't have sole care of my children when he's drinking.
I've also asked him to turn the telly down when ive been at his house! He is pretty deaf tho and he's aware he does it.

NFATR · 22/03/2018 10:10

I don't want to disrupt the family at all. I just thought it was a bit of an overreaction for a big row over a TV

It's clearly not about the TV. It's about you not respecting her despite living in her home.

NanooCov · 22/03/2018 10:11

I think it's telling that your concern about her health and drinking was all about how it would effect you and your baby. No mention of any concern for your stepmother. People don't self medicate (if that's what she's doing) and drink if they're well in themselves. Sounds like she needs some support.

UtterlyRainbowed · 22/03/2018 10:14

So you argue with her and your Dad kicks you out. I always got on well with my Dad but had a difficult relationship with his wife. He always sided with her even she was clearly in the wrong I went NC with both of them and he didn't give a shit. Says it all.

Maybe not speaking to either of them for a while is the best course of action.

For the love of God don't have an alcoholic around your baby.

MsGameandWatching · 22/03/2018 10:14

think you are behaving like an entitled teenager.

By asking her to turn the TV down? Confused

OP sounds to me like you being there was interfering with her drinking. I've lived with an alcoholic and it's a complete nightmare, the normal rules of courtesy do not apply and they'll lie and blame you for everything, the do not like to be crossed.

I think you'll be roasted on this thread because it's MN and the OP is almost always wrong because that makes a more fun thread; lots of attacking the OP and expressing surprise at how the OP can be so unaware of how awful they are. I'd hide the thread and beat a hasty retreat if I were you Smile

NFATR · 22/03/2018 10:18

By asking her to turn the TV down? confused

And by calling her a hypochondriac without a diagnosis, when that clearly can't be the case. They don't hand out Oramorph like candy Hmm

Bonge · 22/03/2018 10:18

DP was paying £350 a month himself, I had given them £1000 when I first moved in out of my savings. He starts another job in September for more than he's earning and I will go back to work in November.

We were there for 5 months. Bought our own food.

I honestly hadn't realised that I shouldn't have asked her to turn the TV down in her own home, I guess that's made me sound like I'm perhaps taking over. I can appreciate that now.

Perhaps it was too much moving in again whilst pregnant. Maybe she'd felt pressured into agreeing? I just wish she'd said something.

Also, the statement about her self medicating is right too. I was too wound up in thinking how that effects me and the baby, that I didn't even give her own problems a second thought.

OP posts:
Bonge · 22/03/2018 10:20

Obviously not being a doctor, I just overreacted without actually knowing.

Thank you for your responses; definitely made me think out of the box. I think it's so easy to have the blinkers on sometimes and not think from someone else's perspective.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/03/2018 10:20

It's a bit extreme to throw her out because she asked for the telly to be turned down a bit.
Once the dad and step mum agreed to let them move in, it becomes their home too, esp if they are paying rent. I get that it's hard to share space with adult children, esp if they are not your own, but even so, it's mean to throw them out when OP is pg and has just decorated the nursery.
My house will always be a home for my dc, however old they are - if they needed to come back then they always could. It's a shame that isn't the case for the OP.
I do think that her drinking/health is her business and not for OP to get all judgy about.

MsGameandWatching · 22/03/2018 10:22

And by calling her a hypochondriac without a diagnosis, when that clearly can't be the case. They don't hand out Oramorph like candy

Possibly be not but I am willing to bet they shouldn't be handed out to people with drink problems too, so something isn't working.

Ihatemyclients · 22/03/2018 10:22

I think some PPs are being a bit tough on you OP. I don't think it's fair for them to basically kick you out of the house because you asked her to turn her TV down - especially when you are pregnant and had made preparations for the baby. I'm surprised so many commenters think that's a reasonable way for your father and SM to behave when it seems like such a huge overreaction on their part.

I think you're totally reasonable to not want to leave your baby with your SM as she's an alcoholic and it wouldn't be safe. And if for your own mental wellbeing you want less contact with her I think that's also fine. Cutting contact completely is quite drastic and could impact on your relationship with your dad - so I would maybe see how you go with minimising contact first as that might be enough to maintain the relationship in a way that's healthy for you.

Good luck with your baby and for the future!

Dvg · 22/03/2018 10:23

i'm actually with OP with this one, i cant comment 100% on your side as i don't know the real whole story from both sides but i wouldn't want her near me, shes obviously just a bit sour and bitter and to be honest i would be mad at my dad for not standing up for me a bit an just having a conversation about it.

NFATR · 22/03/2018 10:23

It's a bit extreme to throw her out because she asked for the telly to be turned down a bit

It might be, but its obvious to anyone with more than one brain cell that its not about that.

NFATR · 22/03/2018 10:24

OP you sound like you have more sense than most posters on here, so don't listen to the crowd of people who will pile in and tell you she's just a witch from hell and thats all there is to it.

DeathStare · 22/03/2018 10:25

think you are behaving like an entitled teenager

By asking her to turn the TV down? Confused

No. By being so scathing about her health problems and implying they are made up. By being so condemning about step-mums problems and not seeming to actually care about how step-mum is. By stropping off elsewhere as soon as she didn't get her own way about the TV being turned down. By threatening withdrawal of contact with the baby if she doesn't get what she thinks she's entitled to. By not considering how her poor father is stuck in the middle off this. All while living - as adults - in father and step-mum's home.

RB68 · 22/03/2018 10:27

Personally asking her to turn the TV down - if it is inconsiderately loud then in my view whoever's house it is its fair game to ask politely to turn it down a bit.

It sounds like she is dosed up to the eyeballs and really not in a position to think about impact on others. She is an addict - everything you describe is addictive and she has been using over a long period with alcohol on top. I wouldn't allow contact with young children other than a brief hi how are you type visit. Certainly no care situation. However ill she is I am suprised she is being prescribed both tramadol and oramorph long term - they really don't like doing that (I speak from recent experience with a parent that recently had a t12 fracture from a nasty fall) we have had to fight tooth and nail to get pain meds and Tramadol was a straight no!

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