To cut off contact with step mother?

[Bonge]

Apologies in advance for the long post:

I am 24 and 31 weeks pregnant. The pregnancy wasn't planned and myself and my partner were living with my family until we were financially able to privately rent. This was meant to be for about a year. This was more than welcomed by my dad, who I'd always been close with and seemed to be fine with my dad's wife too.

The relationship between myself and my step mother had sometimes been strained, but throughout recent years, it'd been fine. Once I had moved back home, however, tension had started to mount, but I had no idea why. I had made sure that her house was always tidy, cooked dinner and we generally kept ourselves to ourselves.

She doesn't work and hasn't actually been diagnosed with an illness, but insists that she has rheumatoid arthritis and has managed to have been prescribed Oramoroph for that and Fibromyalgia. I am obviously not a doctor, so I have no idea.

She also has a drinking problem. I didn't realise the extent until I moved back home, but she usually starts drinking around 12pm and then goes to bed about an hour before my dad gets in, so he thinks that she's ill in bed all day. She'd also just had a kidney infection, but was up the next day at midday drinking wine again... she's never a sloppy drunk, she just gets a bit hyper.

It had started to really concern me, as she drinks 2 bottles of wine a night, as well as taking the morphine and tramadol. My partner and I had spoken about this before and had agreed that she wouldn't be left alone with our baby.

It all came to a head a few weeks ago when I was 28 weeks when I was 28 weeks pregnant. It was 10pm and I had absolutely awful back pain. Her TV was blaring and I could hear it through my ear plugs, so I knocked on her door and asked her to turn it down please. She started huffing and scoffing, so I said 'I don't mean to be rude, but I'm 28 weeks pregnant, my back's killing me, I just want to go to sleep please.' and she went 'oh here we go again!' I had never spoken to her about my pregnancy. She really made me feel low about myself and as though I daren't ask her to turn her TV down.

My partner then said he think it'd be best if we stayed with his parents that night, I agreed. The next day, my dad says that he 'thinks that it's best if [we] don't come back' and go and live with his family. I was 28 weeks pregnant and we'd just decorated the bedroom nice for the baby. I was then having to pack our things into bin bags and move into my partner's parents home where nothing had been done. I was distraught.

I am now thinking that it's best if I don't allow my step mother contact at all with the baby. Especially with her alcoholism, but as well as that, I wouldn't want to risk her talking to my daughter the way she had spoken to me.

Am I overreacting here? The argument was so petty, but I'd always been sent away when I argued with her as a teenager and not allowed home until I apologised. I just feel as though the time has come now where I don't want the stress. I just want the best for my baby.

Thank you!

At 24 you and your dp need to be independent there’s a baby on the way.
Complete maddness to move back in when your adult. You don’t need a year to save rent. The only time I moved back in with my
Parents wasn’t when ex left me and I was single parent with nothing. I was there a year and moved out.

You sound very sensible op and I hope things work out for you.

I do still think you'd be perfectly within your rights to raise your concerns about alcohol with you dad if and when he questions why you don't want her alone with the baby.

Good luck.

DeathStare You seem to think people can treat lodgers like shit just because it's their own home. I wouldn't describe a heavily pregnant women requesting a blaring TV to be turned down as comparable to a stroppy teenager not getting their own way. Ludicrous.

Clearly OP has never been welcomed even as a child when it was supposedly her home aswell.

Lizzie48 The SM is clearly ill, but I actually suspect it's psychosomatic,

We have absolutely no way of telling what illness the SM has or doesn't have. Her doctor obviously thinks she has an illness.

I'm sympathetic to all parties here. She packed and left in the night, so she had somewhere to go, she didn't end up on the street.

Best all round to cool off for a while, than re-establish friendly relations. The OP's dad and SM tried their best to help, it hasn't worked out, but they made the effort.

You seem to be getting a lot of these sort of "you don't seem to like SM very much OP " comments which are dead common on AIBU and it drives me up the wall. The woman had you chucked out your house more than once when you were a teenager and she's just done it again. You've just been evicted with no notice for asking for the telly to be turned down. You've got every reason to dislike her, and you've been honest about your suspicions that her illness is alcoholism/opiate addiction rather than something physical. On Mumsnet though if you're living with/related to someone who's making your life shit, you have to be all disingenuous and say "she has a lot of trouble with her rheumatoid arthritis, there's 10 wine bottles in the recycling every week and nobody else drinks wine but I don't know, I guess the oramorph makes her thirsty"...

You know fine that she's probably an alcoholic. She wasn't good to you when you were a kid and she's not being nice now. And your dad always took her side and made you apologise before you got to come back and live in your own home, and that hasn't changed either. It is up to you to decide how much contact with her you're willing to put up with in order to keep a relationship with your dad, but you're absolutely right not to let her be alone with your kids.

I don't know anything about a back story, just what was in the OP.

You seem to be getting a lot of these sort of "you don't seem to like SM very much OP" comments which are dead common on AIBU and it drives me up the wall.

To be fair, not half as common as the ones that say 'yeah your step mum is a bitch'. And I say this as a step mum who has always enjoyed a good relationship with my (now adult) step daughter.

You obviously don’t like her or approve of her. That may be perfectly justified but it’s not ok to live in her home while feeling that way. You may think you didn’t show it but I can promise it would come across. I think your dad is right to wnd the situation as it won’t work out.

You would not be justified in excluding her from the babies life but that doesn’t mean you can’t - just be prepared to really damage your relationship with your dad. I can see that you wouldn’t want to leave her in sole charge of the baby but she probably wouldn’t want that either!

Most of this post was just bitching about a woman who has let you stay in her home, you’ve clearly overstayed your welcome and it isn’t your home.
On top of that you then got pregnant and then started redecorating her Home??? And she’s the unreasonable one?! Lol.

Grow up and get a smaller place until you can afford what you think you should be getting

You are a guest in her house, if you don't like it then move out. If you can afford to bring a child into the world you can afford to rent a 1-2 bed flat. End of.

Also I think we all get the point that you are 28 weeks pregnant, you don't need to repeat it 4 times over in your post

Guest or tenant Blue? Rent money was paid. I think turfing the op out with no notice is appalling behaviour.

Don't people realise that "End of" makes them sound really twatty?

you were living in her house. its up to her what she does in her house.
I would probably get a bit pissed off at your whinging too to be honest.

and what do you mean by shes managed to be prescribed something - you don't believe theres anything wrong with her? does her not working bother you?

fine, don't leave her (or anyone drunk) alone with the baby but to cut contact over this would be an over reaction and it would probably ruin your relationship with your dad too.

I dont see why your step mum would ever need to be alone with your baby though? So its kinda a non issue?

So does “don’t people realise” whilst going on to explain something a PP did.

Blue is correct. What right does OP have to set up camp in somebody else’s home? Just because step mum isn’t rude enough to kick her out but she is clearly not happy with it.
She hasn’t been kicked out so talking about hypothetical appalling behaviour is pointless and stupid. OP needs to get her own place and stop bitching about an ill woman who’s struggling to cope with OP and her partner not only living there but now redecorating her Home and starting a family there. It’s absolutely bizarre behaviour

I don’t understand how it’s taken you a year to afford to privately rent? Is this because of bonds and up front rent? Is there no way you could afford to live on your own? It never seems to end well when couples have to live with parents with their newborns. So many people in small spaces with a crying newborn is a recipe for standing on other people’s toys and causing problems. Rightly or wrongly, your stepmum probably thought you were rude to ask her to turn her tv down in her Home. It’s a tough one!

She had the right because her dad asked her. And her step mum was actively involved in decisions wrt decorating a nursery. It's not like the OP just turned up and refused to move! Being told it's best if she doesn't come back is turfing her out. How can it not be?

Not what you asked I know, but I'd be mentioning to your dad how much she drinks because the combination of opioid drugs like morphine and excess alcohol can be a fatal one. Opioid aren't the best option for chronic non-cancer pain either as they are incredibly addictive.

The stepmum has form for throwing the OP out, and her dad has sided with his wife in the past, and he's done it again. The OP didn't just set up camp in their home. The SM was keen about decorating a nursery for the baby by all accounts. It sounds like a hissy fit as a result of having had too much to drink basically.

But I do think they should have their own place. Although that's because it would be my idea of hell to have to live in my DM's house with my family, it's bad enough for a couple of days!!

I've just seen your post, @JamPasty . I'm not trying to be goady here, but I'm not sure this adds up. If these drugs are addictive, they should surely be only prescribed on a temporary basis if not only n the case of terminal cancer? Is there a chance that she's not getting these drugs via the GP but online? Or is she lying to the GP about her alcohol intake? If she's drinking to excess then she clearly is prone to addiction.

Either way, that combination isn't a good one. I've had issues with alcohol and I've lied in the past to the GP about how much alcohol I was drinking.

I think the OP's dad does need to know, as the stepmum's health could really suffer.

I don't get MN sometimes.

To be clear OP, depression can be caused by health and that depression and health can both lead to alcoholism. Ever been so drunk, fallen over and not felt an injury? It can numb physical and emotional pain.

I think they were overreacting, possibly because of the drink for your SM but there must be something about the way you've been recently, your past or experience for her to say that but maybe you don't see it. I genuinely think raising a baby with an alcoholic under the same roof is risky as, even with good intentions, she may want to help and go to pick up your baby whilst drunk. You are probably better off and you need to see this as a push to get on your own two feet.

Would I go NC? I think I'd have a long hard look at myself and see if I've contributed to it blowing up over the TV volume, sometimes it's not what you say, it's how you say it. If you genuinely think you don't want to see her or your father again then go ahead but your child is going to lose one of it's grandparents and there are lots of people who don't get to meet them because they're no longer around. Perhaps you could still see them but not leave the baby with them if you are concerned.

OP I agree with you on this. Asking to turn the tv down is not rude. I advise you to not leave your baby alone with them in future, ask your partners family to babysit if you need it.

A secret alcoholic cannot be trusted with a baby.

Also it's up to you if you want to go no contact. Throwing you out like that shows they are not reliable or supportive. She won't admit she has a problem, therefore cannot be helped. I wouldn't want that negativity in my family life.

There would be an issue with unsupervised contact if you were still living there with the baby. Not that your SM would be babysitting. But here's a scenario. Your baby is having a nap so you have a bath/shower/simply go to the toilet. Baby wakes up and cries. Your SM hears and goes to him/her. She then picks the baby up. She's a mum herself so in all probability all would be well. But it would make you anxious, and rightly so.

If you have your own place and just go for planned visits, this scenario won't arise.

@Lizzie48 - the prescribing of opioids is a massive issue the magnitude of which is only really just now starting to be appreciated. Opioids are highly addictive (they are the class of drugs that heroin is part of!) and should really be used only for acute pain or cancer pain. The risk of addiction is something enormous like 15% of people who take them chronically.