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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I?

83 replies

HelpMeAdult · 21/03/2018 17:21

It's my daughters birthday this weekend.
My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship.
His parents massively favour his oldest daughter, quite openly saying it's because she's their first grandchild and there's a special bond.....

For her birthday my husband have got our daughter a much longed for present that she has wanted for a while but had to wait for her birthday because it's expensive and we don't give her too many things apart from birthdays and Christmas. She doesn't know she has got one so it will be a surprise.
In laws have just told me they've got one for step daughter to give her this weekend so she doesn't feel left out.
I feel genuinely upset that they've done this and that it will take the shine off for my daughter because her sister is getting the same thing on the same day, just because when she has had to wait for her birthday.
Should I tell them how I feel about it? I usually keep quiet when similar situations arise but for some reason this has really got my back up and I am sitting here quietly seething.

OP posts:
littlecabbage · 21/03/2018 17:23

I agree with you. This is massively unfair on your daughter.

notallowedanopinion · 21/03/2018 17:26

I would honestly be furious. I'd honestly ask them not to give it to her. Or wait until xmas or her own birthday. I'd ask them why they thought she needed the same item. Do they buy your daughter things on step daughters birthday?

DevonBird234 · 21/03/2018 17:26

I agree with you 100% that’s awful but and I think something needs to be said but I think it should be your partner who talks to his parents. I always find with my in laws that it carries so much more weight coming from DH. X

Hygge · 21/03/2018 17:27

It's tricky because they think they are being fair, buying their elder grand-daughter the same thing so she doesn't feel left out.

But they're not considering that they are being unfair to their younger grand-daughter by giving her sister something for the sake of giving it, when she's had to wait for a birthday to justify the expense.

What does your husband have to say about it? Does he see the imbalance or favouritism at play? Does he mind? Will he speak to them about it?

Do they buy your daughter the same present as they buy your step-daughter when it's her birthday, so your daughter doesn't feel left out?

If you're feeling this strongly I do think you should speak to them, but that will be better done if your husband is on the same page as you where they are concerned.

Purplerain101 · 21/03/2018 17:29

I think it’s really out of order. When it’s your birthday the focus should be on you. If her sibling gets the exact same present then it won’t be as special. Can they not save it and give it to the sibling for her birthday or Xmas?

ClareB83 · 21/03/2018 17:29

YANBU - what a pair of twats. But I agree get DH to talk to them. If need be, make off with their gift and save until an appropriate time.

Hygge · 21/03/2018 17:29

Also, if your husband wants the girls to have the same thing so his elder daughter is not left out, surely you could get her one for her birthday as well?

They're taking that choice away from you, and that's not fair either.

SunshineAfterRain · 21/03/2018 17:30

Have you spoke to your dh about it? How does he feel?
They ABVU it is just highlighting to your daughter the other dgd is the favourite.

Snausage · 21/03/2018 17:30

Oh, that is really bad form, OP! I feel for your daughter (and you!) I would definitely say something to them. I'm all for small gifts when it's another sibling's birthday - my mum does it and I give my nephew something small on my niece's birthday and vice versa, but that is really mean.

Next time I can only suggest you don't tell your in laws what you're getting, and also saying you expect your daughter to receive something similar on your step daughter's birthday, because you will not accept such cruel favouritism. Your husband needs to stand up to them.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/03/2018 17:31

That's awful OP. I'd be seething too. How old are the DDs?

I think I would say something yes. They're prioritising their first GC which is really unpleasant and cruel.

Greenyogagirl · 21/03/2018 17:32

I’d be furious!

Bellamuerte · 21/03/2018 17:33

YANBU. Basically the inlaws are giving SDD a gift but not giving one to DD (because her gift is from you), which is unfair. Unless the inlaws are also planning to give DD gifts on SDD's birthday? I'd put my foot down and say SDD isn't allowed to have the gift until it's her own birthday, and woe betide the inlaws if they still attempted to give it to her.

ohfourfoxache · 21/03/2018 17:34

I’d be fuming, yanbu

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/03/2018 17:36

What's DH's stance on this? Will he back you up to his parents and insist DD1 doesn't have the present on her sister's birthday?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 21/03/2018 17:39

I would be furious Angry not a hope in hell would I allow it

FluffyMcCloud · 21/03/2018 17:42

Oh yes that’s awful. You need to say something OP

Gottagetmoving · 21/03/2018 17:44

Your DH should be having words with them and telling them their older grandchild is not being left out! It's not HER birthday!
Why do people do this? Buy another child something on their siblings birthday? It's really not right.

Ellendegeneres · 21/03/2018 17:45

Yeah I’d be fuming. And lowering contact if they favour your sdd over your dd- specially to this extreme.

I’d not be seeing them over the weekend

InDubiousBattle · 21/03/2018 17:46

I would be very angry. Your dh should be fuming and tell them his eldest can't have the gift. How old are they?

That1950sMum · 21/03/2018 17:47

You are definitely not being unreasonable. How dare they? You, or your DH, definitely need to have a word with them.

QuizzlyBear · 21/03/2018 17:50

I'd maybe approach it with them from a 'caring' perspective (!) My in-laws massively favour my eldest over my younger son and one year even bought him a brand new piano for Christmas, while my younger son got an M&S jacket.

My younger son's a bright boy and has noticed the disparity. He now thinks very little of them (since in his view they think so little of him) and I told my DH that I was concerned about the relationship between him and them, ie that it might break down entirely if they didn't start treating them equally. He panicked and 'had a word' and they've been scrupulously fair ever since!

I think that the fact that HE might no longer care for THEM hadn't occurred to them before...

Hotteacoldheart · 21/03/2018 17:50

YANBU

whatisausername · 21/03/2018 17:57

YANBU. Also may I ask what the present is?

DairyisClosed · 21/03/2018 18:00

Wl you DH did leave her so I think that yabu. They not doing it to undermine you. They are doing it to make up for their son's failure.

MyKingdomForBrie · 21/03/2018 18:03

YANBU at all.

They’re doing it to make up for their son’s failure oh piss off. Divorce is a sad situation but it’s not a ‘failure’ and presents wouldn’t make up for it if it was. Guilt tripping shite.