Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Am I?

83 replies

HelpMeAdult · 21/03/2018 17:21

It's my daughters birthday this weekend.
My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship.
His parents massively favour his oldest daughter, quite openly saying it's because she's their first grandchild and there's a special bond.....

For her birthday my husband have got our daughter a much longed for present that she has wanted for a while but had to wait for her birthday because it's expensive and we don't give her too many things apart from birthdays and Christmas. She doesn't know she has got one so it will be a surprise.
In laws have just told me they've got one for step daughter to give her this weekend so she doesn't feel left out.
I feel genuinely upset that they've done this and that it will take the shine off for my daughter because her sister is getting the same thing on the same day, just because when she has had to wait for her birthday.
Should I tell them how I feel about it? I usually keep quiet when similar situations arise but for some reason this has really got my back up and I am sitting here quietly seething.

OP posts:

DairyisClosed · 21/03/2018 19:04

I'm very confused. Does your husband's eldest daughter live with you? If so then YANBU.

Gottagetmoving · 21/03/2018 19:04

Don't let them give it her until her birthday! Never mind next week,...it's just wrong and not fair to your dd

Ohyesiam · 21/03/2018 19:06

Tell them to please give it at a time your dad is not about, and after her birthday

nordicwannabe · 21/03/2018 19:07

A bike?! Blimey!

In retrospect, it probably would have been better to make bikes Xmas presents for both of them - a bike is a very special present! which parents should get to give, not grandparents But given that you didn't, YANBU about DSD having to wait for her birthday. It's only in July, so not a very long time to wait - and she'll still have the whole summer to enjoy it.

I don't think waiting until next weekend to give it is good enough, tbh. I think this is genuinely one to make a stand over. It does have to come from your DH though, not you.

FrancisCrawford · 21/03/2018 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lollypop701 · 21/03/2018 19:13

You are completely right op... Dh needs to tell them if they don’t want to build a similar special relationship with their younger DG then they don’t get either. I never thought I would suggest NC but this would seriously make me consider it! Good luck

Original poster

HelpMeAdult · 21/03/2018 19:15

Yes dairy she lives with us, why is that confusing?

Unfortunately in laws have form for this.
They have got dd a coat for her birthday, sdd a bike for her not birthday.
I feel so sad about this situation

OP posts:

Nocabbageinmyeye · 21/03/2018 19:16

I would honestly tell them if the bike gets given to her before her birthday then you will cut contact, it might seem drastic but there is no way in hell I would allow them to treat my dd like that

Original poster

HelpMeAdult · 21/03/2018 19:18

Although dh is completely fed up with his parents behaviour there is no way he will ever stop contact with them.

OP posts:

Nocabbageinmyeye · 21/03/2018 19:23

But what about your dd2, even if you don't cut contact he is going to really have to insist the bike is not given before July, it would be so unfair

sillyoldowl · 21/03/2018 19:26

Oh my, that's horrendous! What planet are they on? Do they have some sort of guilt towards her??

Original poster

HelpMeAdult · 21/03/2018 19:28

silly there's no guilt.
Thy are the same with dh and his sister. He is the golden child and she is treated like a no one.

OP posts:

whatisausername · 21/03/2018 19:32

I'm sorry, I hope this gets sorted x

Snowsnake · 21/03/2018 19:37

This Is bad..But I blame your husband.hes clearly ok with the situation or he would stop it,he is storing up big problems between the girls,this will effect their relationship as they become teens if this is allowed to continue.in fact I'd go so far as to say I'd be cutting out anyone who didn't treat them equally.i expect as your dd gets older she will resent you too op for allowing this to continue..I speek from bitter experience.you absolutely must make sure the girls are treated the same or expect them to have problems with their relationship in later yrs

Veterinari · 21/03/2018 19:37

So I’d DSD get an unbirthday present a week later, what does DD get for her unbirthday present?

Why does DSD get a random Saturday gift and DD does not? You or your DH need to present a united front to your PIL and tell them firmly that favouritism is not acceptable

Snowsnake · 21/03/2018 19:39

By the way ,I'm 44 ,I've not seen her since I was 18... similar history to what you describe x

Idontdowindows · 21/03/2018 19:40

Your husband needs to step up once again. If they continue this, your daughter will resent him for allowing this to happen.

windchimesabotage · 21/03/2018 19:41

Your husband needs to tell them 'No'. That is really bad for both children. Especially if they actually live together.
Get your husband to tell the GPs that they have to save the gift for an actual occasion where the eldest daughter needs a gift.
Like her own birthday for example on which I presume the GPs do not buy duplicate presents for the younger one so she does not feel 'left out'

incywincybitofa · 21/03/2018 19:48

I agree this is storing up problems for your DD and SD in the future.
Maybe if you can explain that to the in-laws it will help them see.
Ultimately you have to protect your DD though, because it's the accumulation that hurts as much as the act on the day.

The only thing close to a salvageable compromise for the girls but probably galling for you is that the GPs buy the birthday bike from you, you use the money to get DD something else and they give the bikes as one off Easter gifts

Namechangetempissue · 21/03/2018 19:55

I wouldn't put up with that shit. It is the kind of behaviour that can stay with someone for life and actually really damage their confidence and self-esteem.
I would approach the in-laws and lay it on the line. They treat the children the same or they do not have contact with them. Even if they feel they favour one, they hide it and pack it in with the extra gifts and special treatment. I hate shit like this and think you have to be a special kind of arsehole to do it.

mittensofsteel · 21/03/2018 20:09

Your in laws sound like very strange people. Your step daughter needs protecting from their foibles as much as your own daughter.

If your step daughter is ten could you talk to her about the bike beforehand? There’s a good chance she will understand why she shouldn’t accept the present. Children often have a better moral compass than adults.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/03/2018 20:15

The problem then is your H. He is allowing them to behave like this.

Ruffian · 21/03/2018 20:17

Your dh has got to confront this ridiculous behaviour properly.

DeltaG · 21/03/2018 20:29

Disgraceful behaviour on their part.

I was the 'un-favoured' granddaughter with my paternal GPs as a child. My younger sister was the golden girl, mostly because she looked like my Dad, whereas I looked like my Mum (& GM didn't like my mother). Every xmas and birthday for years I got a cheap colouring book. My sister got a wide range of exciting presents including Care Bears, a Mr Frosty, a Barbie house, rollerblades (this was the 80s!). In the end, my parents got so fed up of the favouritism and limited contact with them.

Apart from the obvious crappy-ness of the gifts I received, it made me feel really small and worthless. I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong to be treated in such a way and as I got older, I really lowered my opinion of my GPs.

buckeejit · 21/03/2018 20:35

They are so out of order-this is the kind of thing that could have a negative impact on both children for the rest of their lives. Such a bad example to set.

You should send them a link to this thread & invite them to present their side!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread