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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re looking after partner's child?

86 replies

Margot234 · 21/03/2018 15:38

I have two DC (7 & 9) and DP has one (4). We have an 18 month old together and I am pregnant (unplanned).

My DC live with us full time and see their father EOW. DP's DC stays 10 days a month. I am very tired at the moment and finding everything pretty difficult.

DP's DC is a typical four year old requiring lots of attention pretty much all the time. I find the 10 days exhausting.

DP is self employed, but does take a fair bit of time off when he DC is here. I look after our 18 month old and his 4 years old the rest of the time. Obviously my two are at school.

I am absolutely dreading the next 10 day trip. I am finding it difficult to function with pregnancy tiredness and DP can't afford to take more time off than he does.

AIBU to feel a bit resentful?

OP posts:
Original poster
Margot234 · 21/03/2018 15:41

Just to add, when we first got together the arrangement was EOW. It changed last year when DP's ex moved further away from where we live.

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 21/03/2018 15:47

i understand it's hard and this isn't what you signed up for, but as this is his arrangement then you will have to deal with it, similarly if it came about that they were with you 100% of the time for whatever reason, you'd have to put up with that too. It sucks but that is the life of a blended family,

When he is home does he pull his weight or are you expected to do all the cooking, clearing up, entertaining etc for all of the DCs? Is he expecting you to have all of the DCs at home over the Easter holidays without him taking time off?

GrannyGrissle · 21/03/2018 15:47

Nothing to offer in the way of advice but what a total nightmare. Flowers Knackers me thinking about it.

LaurieMarlow · 21/03/2018 15:50

Difficult one. Sounds like you both have a lot on your plate already and yet are bringing another baby into the mix. That's not the 4 year old's fault.

Why agree to 10 days if your DP can't be around for that amount of time? Is the deal that you care for your DP's child while he's at work?

Original poster
Margot234 · 21/03/2018 15:52

Thank you.

If for whatever reason his DC had to live with us full time then I would just have to deal with it. I think in a way it would be easier because we would all just have to get used to living together and we'd all find our place, iyswim.

So my DC are going to their father's for the easter holidays. I was looking forward to some quiet time (as much as you get with an 18 month old anyway) but it's just not going to happen.

I just feel that we have should have his child for the amount of time that he can reasonably help look after her.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 21/03/2018 15:53

Tbh a household with 4 (soon to be 5) young kids is always going to be tiring. If your arrangement is that you stay at home and he goes to work then I think looking after his DC is part of the deal really, especially since he presumably provides financially for your DC who aren't his too. He should be pulling his weight when he is at home though and giving you a break.

WhyteKnyght · 21/03/2018 15:53

A few questions...

Are you a SAHM?

Why is 4 year old not in nursery while older DC are at school? Would that be an option?

Are DP's parents nearby? Could they help out a bit?

Could your two help to play with the 4 year old more when they are at home and give you a break?

What would DP do if you weren't in the picture, do you think? Would his DC be with mum more? Or would he/she be in childcare while DP works?

Original poster
Margot234 · 21/03/2018 15:54

Obviously I'm happy to an extent, but I feel like I'm being relied upon very heavily on top of my own workload. He could take more time off but then we would have a lot less money.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 21/03/2018 15:54

If your arrangement is that you stay at home and he goes to work then I think looking after his DC is part of the deal really, especially since he presumably provides financially for your DC who aren't his too.

Yes, I agree with this. Are you a SAHM OP?

Nicknacky · 21/03/2018 15:54

I thought you said he takes as much time off as possible when she is with you?

Original poster
Margot234 · 21/03/2018 15:57

Thank all.

Yes I am a sahm, for the moment.

She's at nursery where she lives, but that's pretty far from us and I don't think you can 'split' the early years funding.

If I wasn't in the picture he wouldn't be able to have her as much as he does.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 21/03/2018 15:58

What’s going to happen when she starts school?

Original poster
Margot234 · 21/03/2018 15:59

As much time as possible without it affecting us too adversely financially.

He doesn't provide for my DC financially, I support myself with savings and support DC with maintenance from their father (long story).

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 21/03/2018 15:59

《I just feel that we should have his child for the amount of time he can reasonably help look after her.》

But of course OP. I'm sure her mum would be happy to pick up the slack now you've got bored with her and decided to replace her with a newer model. Hmm

Why not get your dh to pay for childcare for her so you don't have to look after her whilst he works?

Nikephorus · 21/03/2018 16:02

I just feel that we have should have his child for the amount of time that he can reasonably help look after her.
But that wouldn't be fair on the child or on the child's mother. Yes it sucks for you, but that's the thing about blended families. You could always ask him to go back to EOW if he can agree it with ex, but then he gets less contact.

Nicknacky · 21/03/2018 16:02

What do you mean, affecting you adversely?

LaurieMarlow · 21/03/2018 16:02

Whose house is it though and who funds bills/mortgage?

Presumably it's important to him to have his DC as much possible?

Tallace · 21/03/2018 16:03

My info might be a bit out of date as my youngest is 9. But he did go to 2 different preschools at one point and the funding was split. On the form you fill in it asks how many chilcare settings he was attending and for how many hours. I dont whether thus has changed.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/03/2018 16:03

I can never understand this. My children never went to their dad's unless he was there. I would never have asked/wanted his wife to have the children. The point of contact is that he has contact, surely? If he's not there, there's no contact!

Original poster
Margot234 · 21/03/2018 16:05

I mean help me look after her, not her mother. I mean he's having her so he can spend time with her but it's me who's spending all the time with her.

It's my house, he pays a share towards the mortgage and bills etc.

OP posts:
RafikiIsTheBest · 21/03/2018 16:06

You can split early years funding but I'm not sure how the settings would feel about it. Might be hard to find a place for 10 days a month and her nursery might be claiming for her for every day to keep her place even for the 5-10 days (less assuming weekends) she doesn't attend. Might be worth looking into though.

I don't think there is a lot you can do. Options are looking into a nursery (might mean paying for it), DP take more time off work, continue struggling or try to reduce/alter contact.
Does she start school in September? What will happen then? Could you broach the subject of getting her into a routine for it now so it's not all big changes in one go (ie contact changes and starting school, maybe after school care too if she goes).

I think contact is important and that includes time with her half and step-siblings but you're struggling with an extra child and it's understandable.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 21/03/2018 16:07

and I don't think you can 'split' the early years funding

Has your partner even checked this out?

Nicknacky · 21/03/2018 16:07

So what do you suggest? She comes less often?

SweetEnough · 21/03/2018 16:08

If I've read your post correctly it's 10 days straight, If so wouldn't that have to change when she's in school? Or would your dp be doing long school runs everyday?

WhyteKnyght · 21/03/2018 16:09

Hmm.

Unless money is really, horribly tight then I would be inclined to chuck cash at the problem. Either by DP taking more time off work and accepting the temporary drop in income, or by getting more help in at home so that your cooking/cleaning/shopping workload is drastically reduced (might mean that you have more energy and less resentment about looking after his little girl along with your own if that's literally all you are doing at home?) or by looking into options for a little supplementary childcare during the day, even if that's just a playgroup for a couple of hours to give you a break.

If things have been OK up until now then this is hopefully a fairly short-term issue while you are pregnant and exhausted. It might feel expensive at the time, but it could be a huge investment in your relationship with DP, as well as with his and your own relationship with his little girl.

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