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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re looking after partner's child?

86 replies

Margot234 · 21/03/2018 15:38

I have two DC (7 & 9) and DP has one (4). We have an 18 month old together and I am pregnant (unplanned).

My DC live with us full time and see their father EOW. DP's DC stays 10 days a month. I am very tired at the moment and finding everything pretty difficult.

DP's DC is a typical four year old requiring lots of attention pretty much all the time. I find the 10 days exhausting.

DP is self employed, but does take a fair bit of time off when he DC is here. I look after our 18 month old and his 4 years old the rest of the time. Obviously my two are at school.

I am absolutely dreading the next 10 day trip. I am finding it difficult to function with pregnancy tiredness and DP can't afford to take more time off than he does.

AIBU to feel a bit resentful?

OP posts:
peacheachpearplum · 21/03/2018 16:15

But of course OP. I'm sure her mum would be happy to pick up the slack now you've got bored with her and decided to replace her with a newer model. I don't think that is very fair, the mother changed the arrangement by moving further away making contact more difficult. Not the OPs fault that the goal posts were moved.

Lovemusic33 · 21/03/2018 16:18

I Think for now I would put up with it, when she starts school the arrangements will have to be different as she won’t be able to stay with you ten days straight?

My last partner had a 4 year old dd and I couldn’t cope, she wanted constant attention and wasn’t very well behaved, my dc’s are almost teens, luckily I didn’t have children with him and eventually I decided that I didn’t love him enough to raise his children (I had done my time with my own children).

Talk to your DP about what the arrangements will be when she starts school, I’m guessing this will be September? I think you need to make arrangements so his dd visits when he’s home and not working (weekends) but this could be tricky if his dd lives quite far away?

Dancingmonkey87 · 21/03/2018 16:22

I think it’s part and parcel of being in a blended family. You sound like you’ve bitten off more than you can chew but that’s what happens when you extend your family you would be considered a large family. Your dh needs to plan his time around her more effectively though.

EllieMe · 21/03/2018 16:22

I think you need to be honest with your DP and say you just can't do it.

The mother will have to pick up the slack - tough but she chose to move away and make the previous arrangement impossible.

Dancingmonkey87 · 21/03/2018 16:24

The mother should be picking the slack she looks after her the majority of the time it’s down to ops dp to pick up the slack.

SD1978 · 21/03/2018 16:26

You’ve said he takes some time off- so how many of these days are your responsibility when he’s working solely, and what time does he come home at?

HollyBayTree · 21/03/2018 16:29

TBH with you, you and your DP are a new family unit with children - nd this child is part of that. you seem to want your own children and the joint children but not his child to be a part of your family group. I do think when you get this far into a relationship then you do have to act in loco parentis.

My children never went to their dad's unless he was there. I would never have asked/wanted his wife to have the children. The point of contact is that he has contact, surely? If he's not there, there's no contact!

^^ This I find utterly bizarre - the SM is a part of the family as are half siblings. To not want your child to see their half siblings without Dad present, when he is just one part of the family is really odd.

timeisnotaline · 21/03/2018 16:31

If it’s short term I’d work through it, possibly by throwing cash at it. It sounds short term because he can’t take time off this time but often does, because you’re not pregnant and exhausted for ever and because it won’t work when she goes to school
IF he doesn’t fund your dc while you’re sahm, and only pays his share of housing not supporting you, then he would have to be excellent hands on with both your joint dc and older dc or it would be completely reasonable of you to object to being required to parent his dc. Unfortunate for the little girl.

Dozer · 21/03/2018 16:32

Bad plan to be a SAHM when you’re not married, unless you have financial assets.

Idontdowindows · 21/03/2018 16:35

I just feel that we have should have his child for the amount of time that he can reasonably help look after her.

And this is the crux. He's using you as childcare. When the child is there, he should be there too.

WineAndTiramisu · 21/03/2018 16:37

Dozer given that the house is hers, and she supports herself and her children, she may be better off not married...!

MirriVan · 21/03/2018 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 21/03/2018 16:41

Yes, in which case she has financial assets, so that’s fair enough.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/03/2018 16:42

I think you are getting a raw deal. You oen the house, support yourself financially, your dp only pays towards his own costs, not any of the costs that your dc incur and you get to look after his child by yourself for days on end. He's got it made really. The word cocklodger is springing to mind.

I think he needs to start paying towards the true cost of your whole family, if he is expecting you to parent his child - he is currently cherry picking the bits of family life he wants but it is at your expense. He should be buying in some extra help or funding extra nursery so that all the work isn't on you.

Rudgie47 · 21/03/2018 16:44

What would your partner do regarding looking after her if he didnt have you?
He would hav eto take time off work then or get her a childminder or something. I wouldnt mind the odd day here and there only.
Why cant she come when he has his days off? I'd tell him she could only come if he could look after her. At the end of the day shes not your child.

fluffyrobin · 21/03/2018 16:45

Your dc should always come first and you second! Your partner next and his dc after that.

Once you see this with clarity you can stop being such a martyr.

it is your house. This is good.

Sort your domestics so that you have some time to yourself. This is crucial to your mental and physical well being.

If it means you organising with your partner to have him look after all the dc while you go out/ rest at least twice a week, or better, every other day, the scenario you are in would be manageable.

If he is not prepared to help himself with his own dc as well as yours in the same way you have been helping him with his then call it a day.

How much alone time do you get with your own dc? How fair is this chaotic situation on them?

Your partner is using you and you are being treated as a mug. No one respects a doormat so establish some boundaries please as to what is best for you!

Nicknacky · 21/03/2018 16:45

Only on my can this man be called a Cocklodger.....so now he has to pay for the op’s children so that he is allowed to see his own for days at a time!!!

The mans child was moved away from him and he wants to see her which benefits child and father, not to mention siblings. Given that the op got together with him when the child was so young she can’t now be surprised.

Or he stops working for ten days at a time. But no doubt he would be criticised for that.

SpringHen · 21/03/2018 16:48

and I don't think you can 'split' the early years funding.

You can. I did.

Nicknacky · 21/03/2018 16:51

Would you be able to split it if it’s betweem different local authorities? Good chance she lives out with the area with her mum if she is too far to do eow

YellowMakesMeSmile · 21/03/2018 16:54

Poor child.

So you expect him to have your children there 24/7, work because you aren't, pay towards a mortgage he isn't even on (presumably he pays most bills with you having no work), yet begrudge his child spending time at the house. That's not a partnership in any shape or form.

FlakyToast · 21/03/2018 16:55

How much does he do with your children the rest of the time? If he is taking on a dad role with your kids I'm afraid you have to suck it up as long as he is doing as much as he can when his 4 year old is over.

PixieDust100 · 21/03/2018 16:55

Idon't think you can 'split' the early years funding.

You can, I did with my son for over a year before he started school.

How’s the arrangement going to work when the child goes to school?
I’m guessing your be having the child for half of the 6 weeks school holidays and most other school holidays and with a weekend thrown in now and again too?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 21/03/2018 16:56

YANBU
No you shouldn’t have to look after her very much. Its her Dad who agreed to 10 days so he should be available 24 hours a day to parent her at this time. And to co parent his child with you too. It’s way more stressful parenting as a SM.

It sounds bonkers and should be reduced to a long weekend once a month, if not EOW. And longer in holidays as she’ll be starting school soon. If your DP is not available to parent her there is zero point in longer periods.

PixieDust100 · 21/03/2018 16:58

How far time wise is the journey to pick up his child ?

You also said he has a fair chunk off when the dc is with you? How many days is that?

DeliberatelyAwkward · 21/03/2018 17:01

Everything @HollyBayTree said