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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re looking after partner's child?

86 replies

Margot234 · 21/03/2018 15:38

I have two DC (7 & 9) and DP has one (4). We have an 18 month old together and I am pregnant (unplanned).

My DC live with us full time and see their father EOW. DP's DC stays 10 days a month. I am very tired at the moment and finding everything pretty difficult.

DP's DC is a typical four year old requiring lots of attention pretty much all the time. I find the 10 days exhausting.

DP is self employed, but does take a fair bit of time off when he DC is here. I look after our 18 month old and his 4 years old the rest of the time. Obviously my two are at school.

I am absolutely dreading the next 10 day trip. I am finding it difficult to function with pregnancy tiredness and DP can't afford to take more time off than he does.

AIBU to feel a bit resentful?

OP posts:
colditz · 21/03/2018 17:02

I don't see any benefit to these long ten day stretches she is spending at your house without any input from her actual parent. Every other weekend, assuming he doesn't work those too, allows the child to have a regular routine at home with mum and to have family time with her non resident parent. Her just being in the house isn't contact, it's childcare

ChaosAndPiss · 21/03/2018 17:04

Does your dp spend time with your kids? I'd assume so since they're there all the time. It's all part of the family you took on by getting together.

People are weird.

I feel bad for the 4 year old to be in a home with someone who doesn't want them there 😔

S0ph1a · 21/03/2018 17:07

OP, if you are a SAHM who cares for his child and your joint child then why is he not supporting you ?

And if you care for his child practically, why doesn’t he support your child financially?

Nicknacky · 21/03/2018 17:11

colditz I imagine dad is there in the morning, evenings, putting her to bed and she gets to spend time with her extended family and not just dad.

How sad people think there is no benefit for anyone. I thought blended families were a supposed to, you know, blend?!

honeyroar · 21/03/2018 17:18

What a mess. Poor child.

You don't sound very much like a family unit. My husband had a child before me, that's the way it was, I had to deal with it when I decided to get involved with him. I did a lot of the childcare, holidays were based around the child, even now he's grown up I'm paying towards his uni costs and we can't do a lot of things we'd like. That's just the way it is. We are a team. We work together to best work out what the family needs. I never had children of my own, but I'd like to think that I'd not have discriminated against my husband's child and grumbled about him being with us.

You have her 1/3 of the month. That's not a lot. Even if he's got to work he must still see her before and after. It will all change when she's at school, he will probably see her less. I think you should help him out. Imagine if it was your boys..

There seem to be a lot of these grudging step children posts at the moment.

LyndaSnellsFeet · 21/03/2018 17:22

I feel bad for the 4 year old to be in a home with someone who doesn't want them there

Oh for pity's sake does every stepmum thread have to go like this?

I don't always want my own 4 year old at home with me as frankly he can be a huge PITA. As most kids are.

QuizzlyBear · 21/03/2018 17:23

I was the step child in this scenario but thankfully my step mum made a huge effort to treat her biological and step kids identically. If they couldn't do or get something for all the kids, they didn't do or get it for any of us.

My relationship with my mum broke down when I was 11 and I went to live with them full time and though I was scared I'd be the 'poor relation' she never once made me feel like my place in the family was any less than my step and half siblings. It's really hard being the child on the outside of the family unit - the one who visits, who doesn't feel as though they gave a permanent place. If you're a blended family, the only way that truly works is if you accept that her place is as valid as your bio kids.

Please, OP, treat her as though she is truly your daughter while she's with you, it will mean the world to her now and in the future. I'm closer to my step mum (I call her mum and think of her that way!) than almost anyone else in my family now and thank the universe daily that she came into my life.

LadyDeadpool · 21/03/2018 17:25

The word cocklodger is springing to mind.

Really? He pays towards a mortgage that doesn't have his name on, tries to do the right thing by all his children and he's a cocklodger?

why doesn’t he support your child financially?

He does - he's paying towards a mortgage that isn't in his name. If this was reversed she'd be told not to pay a penny towards buying a house she has no claim to!

LadyDeadpool · 21/03/2018 17:28

If you have a partner who has children then you take on those children as your own or you don't even bother with starting a relationship, male or female your children come first. Your children will be 4 one day and annoying but you'll have to deal with that the same way you should deal with your stepchild who should feel at home and not a problem in her fathers house.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/03/2018 17:28

Nick, how is he not a cocklodger? He lives in OPs house, pays only towards his share of bills but expects OP to look after his dc. Either you blend a family or you don't, but all I can see here is that OP gets extra work. What is he doing that contributes towards this blended family?
It's not as simple as him paying for OPs kids in order to see his own - it's about questioning why he sees OPs kids as not his responsibility financially but looking after his dd is OP's job.
He can see his dd plenty, but he should be the one taking primary responsibility for her.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/03/2018 17:31

He lives in that house - he should pay whatever his rent would be if he lived elsewhere. His own costs are all he is paying - he isn't even supportong the OP and she is pg with his baby and sah to look after their shared toddler. I just think he's getting a really good deal and cannot see what OP is getting, apart from increasingly tired!

Allthewaves · 21/03/2018 17:36

Basically can you afford for him to take 10 days off and still pay maintenance and bills

Snowsnake · 21/03/2018 17:45

I think the husband is taking the piss..he needs to have his child when he is actually there..why is the mum allowing her 4 yr old to go for 10 days when the dad isn't there??! Can't imagin.huummmm.
Oh yeah she gets a nice break ,free childcare...this arrangement is not fair...op who's got yr back? Your tired and exhausted and due to have another baby...who's looking after you???? No one .😥💐

TeachesOfPeaches · 21/03/2018 17:47

It will stop when she starts school

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/03/2018 17:49

surely he needs to sort out appropriate childcare to accomadate his children and his work. The same as every other parent has to.

If the op can’t manage it at the moment then he hasn’t

JoJoSM2 · 21/03/2018 18:00

I'd just speak to him and say you're not coping. Pregnancy and 4 children is a very tall order. I wouldn't be tit-for-tat about it with whose child/how much money as you'll derail the conversation and cause upset. Hopefully, he can see that 4 children + pregnancy is an awful lot and maybe you could discuss options for managing the situation.

Nicknacky · 21/03/2018 18:19

The op didn't say he didn't contribute to the household, she said he doesn't financially support her children.

R2G · 21/03/2018 18:23

Have you heard of the charity Sure Start? They may be able to help for the 10 days. Is there anyone who can help you during the next trip? It's not unreasonable I don't think to talk to ex for this next trip to cut time down on this one occasion on the basis your partner can't take the time off work and you're not in a fit state. Say to 4 days just as a one off? If she can accommodate.

Veterinari · 21/03/2018 18:35

surely he needs to sort out appropriate childcare to accomadate his children and his work. The same as every other parent has to.

I guess that depends on whether the OP does the same or whether her DP steps up and looks after her kids when needed?

Also OP you’ve mentioned 10 days but also that your DP takes off time when she visits - realistically how often are you looking after her?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/03/2018 18:48

Nick, she said she supports herself from savings/maintenance, so I take that to mean not getting financial support from her dp. He contributes to bills and mortgage, as he should since he is living there and would have these costs eherever he lived.
I wonder how sustainable this situation is, esp when another baby is added to the mix.
Can he not pay for some help - an au pair or a cleaner or even a mother's helper, to come and play with the kids while you rest?

Babyplaymat · 21/03/2018 19:32

snow
Oh yeah she gets a nice break ,free childcare..

This is the father's fault, not the mother's!

LeighaJ · 21/03/2018 21:24

I feel bad for many step-parents because it seems like they get a raw deal at times and zero sympathy if they talk about it being tough.

On the one hand if they are bothered by not being allowed to discipline their step-children or have input or their own opinion on their upbringing then they're told "Well they're not really your children, it's up to their parents to discipline them or decide what's right for them." That's especially true if both biological parents are part of the kid's lives.

On the other hand if a step-parent complains about anything to do with the timing or length or any problem at all with contact times with the step-children then they get "You're a blended family who should be treating all the children biological or step equally and you're horrible if you're not doing that."

In both scenarios the step-parents also usually get helpful comments about "How they should have thought about this before marrying/having a serious relationship with someone who has kids from a prior relationship." With no regard to whether or not circumstances have changed since the start of the relationship or consideration that maybe they couldn't have known how difficult it would be because they're not psychic. Hmm

Sheesh.

Also seriously could people actually read all of the OP's posts in this thread before making nasty comments!

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/03/2018 22:10

^^Oh yeah she gets a nice break ,free childcare...this arrangement is not fair...

The mum still does 2/3s of the parenting. It may be unfair on the OP but it's certainly not the mum's fault. The child has 2 parents.

Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 21/03/2018 22:31

You def can split funding, we did it

honeyroar · 21/03/2018 22:35

LeighlaJ of course you have to weigh up whether you can cope with stepchildren or a blended family before you get involved and you'd be an idiot if you didn't think that circumstances can change. It's in for a penny in for a pound, or don't get in at all.

As for those saying he should take time off - who in the ordinary world can take ten days off a month!