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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Constant whatsapp group messages interfering

80 replies

notagain123456 · 21/03/2018 10:36

Hi, I was wondering what everyones thoughts were on whatsapp group chats?
I am involved in my husbands family group chat and it is causing me a few issues, it is constant to the point i feel like they are living in our pockets.
From sending a silly picture to sending a photo of their food, my husband is just as bad and instigates many conversations. His sister and brother in law discuss food shopping lists and have their own conversations on there and i find it too much. He doesnt get in until late and if a chat is started i dont feel we have time together alone, i feel like they are there.

I dont think they txt this much before we were together which makes me question what they do it now. My husband has lots of group chats going and replies to everything.

My dilemma is i really want to leave the group but then it will bring up questions as to why and i dont want to explain. Should i feel lucky i have been included in this? I know people would feel excluded if they hadnt been added to their husbands group and i can understand why.

My family have a group too but its not intrusive and constant.

We see his family often enough so i dont believe its because they miss him. We went out with them 3 weeks on the run a while back (which frustrated me)as its too much.

OP posts:

Parrothead · 21/03/2018 10:38

Why don’t you just turn off the notifications? Better than leaving bc nobody will know.

JacquesHammer · 21/03/2018 10:39

I have groups muted. Means I can dip in and out when I want but don't get constant notifications.

"Lovely to be in the group, but I'm going to turn off notifications as its just too distracting!"

Original poster

notagain123456 · 21/03/2018 10:40

i still see the notifications on my screen though. ive had it muted but it doesnt help.

OP posts:

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 21/03/2018 11:01

You have to toughen up and start ignoring the majority of the messages. Then when asked why no response or did you not see blah blah you just reply with a mix of excuses such as Oh left phone in bag/was busy cooking dinner/saw it late and didn't want to reply in case notification woke you/forgot I'd turned data off etc etc. After a while they'll stop expecting you to engage as often and hopefully won't send as much!

Or you could just tell everyone you're coming off all WhatsApp groups because you feel you're spending too much time generally on social media. That hopefully takes the sting out of it because it's not a criticism of them.

I use WhatsApp and text but I point blank refuse to join WhatsApp groups because I just don't want to know all the banal details of other people's daily lives nor be constantly at risk of offending people by not being immediately available to interact with them.

KatharinaRosalie · 21/03/2018 11:04

whatsap - settings - no popup

Coconutspongexo · 21/03/2018 11:06

I’m in a group with my entire cohort at uni I’ve muted it When I click on whatsapp I just see that there’s 200+ unread messages.

If you mute it you get 0 notifications so it won’t annoy you.

Or leave and just say you don’t like group chats

YoloSwaggins · 21/03/2018 11:12

My partner's family group is like this - posting pictures of food, what time they'll be home, what the traffic's like, asking questions that would be a simple Google. The parents are SO involved. Like, "what time is your hotel check out? I suggest leaving now to avoid the traffic" like jeeeeeesus christ. None of then even live at home! I'd have a breakdown if my family were like this! I ring mine once a week and that's it. Do not get this constant checking in.

Mute the chat and never look at it again....

VladmirsPoutine · 21/03/2018 11:14

Go back into settings and turn off pop-ups.

Don't leave the group for the sake of harmony. I know what you mean but it's a problem easily solved.

AthenasOwl · 21/03/2018 11:17

Just leave the group. I don't see the problem even if they do ask questions it would extremely childish to allow a WhatsApp group to affect a relationship. Just tell them it drains your battery or something.

HobnobBob · 21/03/2018 11:18

You can turn off notifications so they don’t pop up as well as mute the conversation.

MyKingdomForBrie · 21/03/2018 11:22

I really agree with the majority - mute it and turn off notifs, yes you’ll still get a little red number but you just need to get used to ignoring it.

DH being on his phone in the evening you can’t really ignore, do you feel like he’s not engaging with you? Would he cooperate with a ‘no phones’ agreement for an hour or two maybe? We don’t have phones on us when we have dinner for example or if we’re watching a film, my DH feels they’re intrusive too and I agree it can be annoying when you want to talk to someone and they’re in another chat so not engaging!

Pseudousername · 21/03/2018 11:27

Just mute it.

Lweji · 21/03/2018 11:33

Just ignore the notifications and check the app at the end of the day.

Also, take his phone off him in the evening and shag him to death. That will wean him off the little chats.

Tringley · 21/03/2018 11:39

The problem with turning off pop-ups is that it could mean that you miss messages from groups that you want/need to see. I had to leave one groups of friends as literally they could regularly rack up several hundred messages in a few hours. I didn't used to mind it too much when they were the only whatsapp group I was in as I mainly ignored whatsapp and only checked in occasionally.

But then DS started preschool and they mainly communicated through whatsapp. So while I was ignoring 300 nonsense messages, I could miss a message about dress-up day or an upcoming event. I hated the thought of being seen to leave the group and also not being able to occasionally touch base with everyone all at once but it was either leave the group or have the app rendered useless for the communication I needed to stay available to. I've since become part of some new family/friend groups and some of them are also occasionally very irritating with a quick flow of absolute nonsense being bandied about. Nothing like as insane as my original friend group but still really, really irritating at times.

I think it's a massive oversight on the part of the developers. Users should be able to adjust settings to each group and turn off all notifications for some groups while setting alerts on others. I can see the usefulness of the app being wiped out completely if they don't as I'm close to breaking point with the inanity.

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 21/03/2018 11:41

Users should be able to adjust settings to each group and turn off all notifications for some groups while setting alerts on others

You can.

Notso · 21/03/2018 11:42

I just ignore most of DH's family what's apps. It's mostly a pic of niece with Nieces new ... followed by comments of gorgeous girl,
then a pic from SIL with Nephew's first ... then comments of beautiful boy.
Or worse pic of garden just bought new lawn mower,
just painted bathroom,
bought new Armani hat,
Booked another holiday 🙈🙈🙈
Information that they will post then visit us to tell us about. Tedious.
It's only worth staying on there for when MIL posts drunk voice recordings by mistake!

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 21/03/2018 11:44

I agree, just ignore the notifications. I have one whatsapp conversation opened, so I don't even see the others in the background until I remember to check them.

On another note, I understand the no phone rule at diner, but why when you are watching tv? As long as it's on silence, writing on your own phone doesn't stop others watching the movies?

Collaborate · 21/03/2018 11:50

My wife set up a similar group for her family. My brother-in-law removed himself from this group very early on. I am really envious. I get exactly what you mean, with being forced to look at banal conversations that shouldn't be on a group chat, and umpteen notifications. Just be honest with them, say it as it is. If they're offended by your decision it will say more about them than you.

VikingBlonde · 21/03/2018 11:58

My DP is on a family WhatsApp group. It is very active. I was put into a new one (his ex is still on the old one, she told me she hates it but darent leave!) when we were organising a trip to “their” part of the country and trying to meet up. Fair enough to make plans for something but FML it was INCESSANT. I muted it but found thepop up and the 15 messages before 8am on a Saturday (basically mainly his sister showing off about her new baby’s every movement or fart) nothing ever of importance it drove me insane. My family are close and adore each other but respect each other’s space. These guys seem to want to inspect each other’s poo! Haha. I left the group. Otherwise is like Hotel California innit. DP was a bit miffed but I found because of the inability to properly mute it it was so intrusive. It isn’t like Instagram or fFB which you choose to check into and I really don’t need an announcement if a non blood niece has farted. I don’t wanna know if my blood niece has farted!

I know some people find it easier to let annoying people wash over them but it sticks to me! I’ve never had a very good poker face and I don’t particularly admire the in laws so best for me to leave. I’d say just get out of it!

Talith · 21/03/2018 11:59

Group chats annoy me because even if muted and archived, if there's a new message it still appears in the list. Given the only person I frequently whatsapp is by boyfriend I don't want to mistakenly click on the wrong chat and send the class round robin a picture of my tits.

Original poster

notagain123456 · 21/03/2018 12:02

exactly collaborate, i wouldnt mind if it was used for important things. Arranging a get together etc but its not, its cat pictures and food. My husband shares everything too though so its not just them.

OP posts:

Surfandterf · 21/03/2018 12:05

Another saying mute the conversation, you won't get any pop ups or notifications. I thought my husband was weird with the family group didn't realise others were saddled with it too! I don't see the point but he insisted I go on theirs or I'd look like I was snubbing his family.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 21/03/2018 12:07

Tringly It's ridiculous that you feel you may miss something important if you don't have pop-ups on. That would piss me off hugely and I would ask the pre-school to use a different way to contact parents ie one that doesn't get filled up with parent chitter chatter.

I have no pop-ups so am not distracted, just go in and check now and again.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 21/03/2018 12:09

This is why I've never joined WhatsApp! I couldn't bear the constant messages. Just say you're doing a digital detox to improve your concentration so you're going to leave the group for a bit but will be back at some point. They can hardly mind that.

KimchiLaLa · 21/03/2018 12:10

Just mute it. I have done that with several chats and I don't get any notifications. This all sounds like much of a muchness.

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