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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend she can come over but needs to leave at five?

92 replies

CristinaYang · 21/03/2018 06:40

I’m so so bad at this. Blush

I have a good friend who wants to visit today. Problem is that when she visits she stays for hours and hours and never leaves. It’s painful.

I have two very young children. I do their tea at five and then bath then bedtime routine. If my friend is present during this time, they will carry on and not eat and not settle and it’ll be the evening from hell. Voice of bitter experience.

Problem is that friend (who lives in a different town) has something on local to me at seven o’clock so I think she is envisaging staying till then.

Would it be really bad for me to say to her yeah come over but I need you to leave before five?? Obviously I’ll think of a more polite way to phrase it Blush

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 21/03/2018 06:42

seems reasonable.
or just say that its not convenient at all this time!

PLFDiDi · 21/03/2018 06:43

Be honest with her, my mates are used to my bluntness!! And no you have every right to do what needs doing to get through the day without loosing your sanity!!! 🍀

Original poster
CristinaYang · 21/03/2018 06:49

She’s fab and she’s great with the kids who love her and it’ll be good to see her but she just doesn’t pick up on hints etc

OP posts:
Tuckingfypo · 21/03/2018 06:51

Ugh, DP's family are the type to stay for hours and I hate it! You have my sympathies Wine

I would just say it's not convenient to visit, because if I said yes I know I would have trouble enforcing the "leave by 5pm" rule!

mellongoose · 21/03/2018 06:51

Get her to do bath time!

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/03/2018 06:54

I’d second getting her to do bedtime, unless you don’t want to see her, in which case I’d say it wasn’t a good time.

foxessocks · 21/03/2018 06:56

I have a friend like this who even when I have said "I'm going out at x time" still has not left and I've actually started getting ready around her...she just will not go and this I after she has been there for hours already! I now just avoid having her over unless I really really don't care when she goes! I would just say its not convenient this time!

ScrumpyBetty · 21/03/2018 06:58

I had a friend who used to do this. I'd be cooking dc's tea and she would sit down and expect to eat with us.
Eventually I learned to be more assertive- I would round up conversation when I wanted her gone, and then I would stand up and say something like "it's been so lovely to see you, Thank you so much for coming, let's do this again soon" and I would walk her towards the door. If she tried to keep on talking to me I would firmly say "it's been lovely to see you, come again soon, I'm off to do dc bath now, I will text you later" etc. It worked for me! Good luck!

user380968 · 21/03/2018 06:59

Tell her she is welcome to stay but that you will be busy from 5pm as you need to start dinner and bed routine so she will have to entertain herself

Hotteacoldheart · 21/03/2018 07:00

I’d say come another night, if it’s going to be that bad.

Original poster
CristinaYang · 21/03/2018 07:01

Yeah I think I’m just going to find an excuse to cancel. foxessocks I’ve been in that same position with this friend. I really struggle to understand it Blush

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 21/03/2018 07:02

is it far for her to go home before she comes back at 7?

Hotteacoldheart · 21/03/2018 07:03

Say one of the kids is ill.

DaisyInTheChain · 21/03/2018 07:04

It's difficult, I would get her involved with DC, she might enjoy it. Say to her I'm really sorry but we have this routine.

Would she really be in the way in the background though? Or are you worried it's extra stimulation DC don't need before bed.

0hCrepe · 21/03/2018 07:07

I think you might sound a bit mean to her if you’re basically saying you need to go. I don’t see why giving the kids tea and putting them to bed can’t be done with her around.

Rudgie47 · 21/03/2018 07:07

Say you have to the Doctors for all of you at 5.15 so she needs to leave at 4.30p.m.

QuimReaper · 21/03/2018 07:09

Tricky. Will she happily sit with a cup of tea having a read while you go and do bathtime, or will she traipse around after you talking? If she is sitting quietly with tea, will that still prevent the children from settling?

Either way I'm sure you don't need to cancel altogether. There'll be a way to phrase it that you can still see her. This situation is bound to come up again in one form or another so it'll be handy to know how to deal with it.

Slart OP says she lives in another town.

Slartybartfast · 21/03/2018 07:11

If the town is far away it does seem that she wants to stay until it is convenient for her to leave. can you suggest another day when she doesnt need to hang around until 7?

DianaT1969 · 21/03/2018 07:12

I think it's important not to lose contact and time with friends when you have little ones. It's good that she comes to you and feels comfortable to hang around. I'd treat her as one of the family and ask her to muck in with tea and bathroom, or suggests she stays in the lounge and relaxes with netflix and a tea while you settle them.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/03/2018 07:14

Rather than asking her to leave early, I would tell her, that today is inconvenient.

Pengggwn · 21/03/2018 07:14

I wouldn't usher someone to the door, personally, it's really rude. I'd tell her upfront that I want to finish up at 5 so I can do bedtime, and if she ignored hints I'd neglect to invite her again.

GColdtimer · 21/03/2018 07:17

Just be honest - "would love to see you but I really need to get the kids sorted and they love seeing you so much you are a total distraction and if our routine gets stuffed up I have the evening from hell. So definitely come over but can you be gone by 5 please?!"

And call her don't text as a lot can be conveyed in tone.

snewsname · 21/03/2018 07:18

Tell her upfront she's welcome as long as she leaves by 5. I don't understand all this pussyfooting around, hints and trying to usher someone to the door. Just be honest. She can being a book with her and sit in a pub for a coupe of hours if she knows in advance.

toomuchtooold · 21/03/2018 07:20

Sounds like you've decided to cancel which is of course totally cool but I would also say that there is nothing wrong with just telling the truth. "I'd love to see you but I'd need to chuck you out at 5, sorry, because I need to start doing the kids' tea and bedtime stuff and they don't tend to settle down if we have visitors". There's nothing actually rude about that. If she doesn't have kids she might actually be glad of the heads up. If, on the other hand, you suspect she knows fine that it's a pain in the bum if she's there over bedtime and she's just depending on you being too polite to say anything - time to move your friendship up to the next level of honesty Grin

toomuchtooold · 21/03/2018 07:20

What you said snewsname!