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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend she can come over but needs to leave at five?

92 replies

CristinaYang · 21/03/2018 06:40

I’m so so bad at this. Blush

I have a good friend who wants to visit today. Problem is that when she visits she stays for hours and hours and never leaves. It’s painful.

I have two very young children. I do their tea at five and then bath then bedtime routine. If my friend is present during this time, they will carry on and not eat and not settle and it’ll be the evening from hell. Voice of bitter experience.

Problem is that friend (who lives in a different town) has something on local to me at seven o’clock so I think she is envisaging staying till then.

Would it be really bad for me to say to her yeah come over but I need you to leave before five?? Obviously I’ll think of a more polite way to phrase it Blush

OP posts:
greenlynx · 21/03/2018 13:10

Ypu can't change anything this time. I think it was a mistake to explain your friend why you want her out of the house at 5 pm. Next time just say that you have time only until 5pm, with genuine sorry and without details. There could be millions of reasons why. Any details will fuel futher discussion. And always offer her a choice - today until 5pm or say next Monday between so and so.

LimonViola · 21/03/2018 13:18

And she says “I feel like we never have enough time” and i’m astounded! I feel so guilty because she has travelled to me because of the DC and that she also feels - when I feel exhausted and like i’ve Run dry, that we have lots more things to talk about!

Omg I have a friend like this. Constantly pressuring me to meet up but when we do he has very little to say so it's me having to keep the conversation going. We'll hang out for a few hours as that's more than enough for me but no sooner have I left, he'll message saying 'shame we didn't get chance for a proper chat, we'll have to meet up again soon/before event we have planned next month' and I'm thinking what the fuck? What? Sure, let's meet again so I can carry the conversation for hours and be kinda bored :/ no wonder he thinks it's been a great time when he has little to contribute and I put all the effort into helping us to chat and have fun. Whereas for me I end up exhausted and thinking that's enough for me, see you again in a year 😂

catweasel44 · 21/03/2018 13:27

I think you might be being a bit precious. If she is coming from another town and has something on later she really just wants a place to sit.

If she's a good friend can you not ask her to sit and read a magazine/look at her phone for an hour while you put the kids to bed.

My kids are older now but I think it's one of those things I wince when I look back on now.

SundaySalon · 21/03/2018 13:39

I think it really depends on the friend, I have two who frequently stay at mine for 12+hours, sometimes even overnight. One of them cracks on with bath and stories and doesn’t take any messing about from DC, the other one follows me around trying to have a conversation during bath and bed time. The latter I very rarely invite to the house and meet her in town. If she’s willing to chip in I would say make use of her, give her things to do to make your evening easier.

VeganCow · 21/03/2018 13:40

Think yourself lucky she tells you she is coming. I had a friend used to arrive unannounced at about 6-7pm, wave to her boyfriend once I opened the door and she knew I was in, and that was it for the evening until she rang him to collect her. I had to start putting my coat on before I opened the door, that stopped it haha

Flowersonthewall · 21/03/2018 13:55

I resorted to saying I had an appointment and she had to leave by x time, but she hung around. In the end I had to put my coat on and strap the kids in the car and actually left the house with me.

Sounds like chandler from friends having to get on the plane to Israel so he could get away from Janice 😂

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 21/03/2018 14:00

Wow, some of you have extreme overstayers!

Mine will be gone by 7 as he's going to a pub quiz, so I'm just going to write off the 5-7 slot. At least he's very good about playing with DS.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 21/03/2018 14:08

I have a friend that does this. We now say we have arrangements at say, 5pm so she will need to leave at 4.30. We say this even if we don't have arrangements but it has to be done. Once she stayed until 10pm on a school night. If it is nearing the time she needs to leave now I just say, I'm gonna have to kick you out now, need to get the kids sorted. You have to be overly assertive with some people.

I really like my friend BTW but she just doesn't understand hints sometimes

Titaniumpins · 21/03/2018 14:12

Ahh she really doesn't get the hint or due to her 7pm appointment is being deliberately dense. But as Derxa says set her some tasks and let it slide seeing as you enjoy her company. Maybe next time say it was g8 when you helped out but the kids really didn't settle so if you don't mind.....

ZanyMobster · 21/03/2018 14:52

I think this is a real shame, life is too short to worry about things like this. If your friend is lovely and the kids like her then make the most of spending time with her. If you don't like her then it's different.

If it is every day then fair enough but otherwise then I would chill out.

MargaretCavendish · 21/03/2018 14:57

I have tried spelling it out to her. That I am exhausted. That I need to prepare things for tomorrow. That she must be tired too if she has work. But she often leaves at midnight and even then will take 30 mins just to get out of the door. Going to the toilet, finding her coat, something funny on her phone she wants me to see... waiting for a taxi. And the whole time I am willing her to leave and edging her towards the door. And she says “I feel like we never have enough time” and i’m astounded! I feel so guilty because she has travelled to me because of the DC and that she also feels - when I feel exhausted and like i’ve Run dry, that we have lots more things to talk about!

So no advice but just wanted to say it seems to be a certain type of person...

I think it's pretty clear that your friend is lonely, and it might be that she'd benefit from being encouraged to talk about and acknowledge that, and to think about possible solutions. I know it's horrible being the one run ragged and feeling like everyone needs something from you, but it sounds like she could use some empathy too.

PasstheStarmix · 21/03/2018 15:41

I think it’s like one pp said if they’re willing to chip in with the dc it’s not so bad. But theme they’re following you around trying to have a conversation and demanding 100% of your attention when you’re trying to soothe a crying baby or toddler is when it gets my back up.

PasstheStarmix · 21/03/2018 15:41

But when*

Donewithitall · 21/03/2018 17:54

margaretcavendish I get what you’re saying but we spend the WHOLE time talking about how she feels and her problems. I am not turning away a lonely person, I am talking them them for 12 hours!

Slartybartfast · 21/03/2018 18:07

obviously she wants to stay til her appointment at 7.

topcat2014 · 21/03/2018 18:13

I am amazed anyone on MN has any friends left, after all - popping round is out, telephoning is out, visiting outside specific time windows (that the friend is supposed to by psychic about) is also out.

OP - just say you are busy after 5 - don't tie yourself up in knots about it.

Good luck anyway.

LimonViola · 21/03/2018 21:38

am amazed anyone on MN has any friends left, after all - popping round is out, telephoning is out, visiting outside specific time windows (that the friend is supposed to by psychic about) is also out.

And yet I manage to have plenty of lovely strong friendships without any surprise popping around, phone calls, unannounced visits. We get in touch via message or text (as it's more convenient to choose when to reply and you can be responding while doing something else instead of your entire attention having to be taken up by a call), decide on when to meet up and where, and do it. Every last one of us would be extremely perturbed if we just showed up on each other's doorsteps with no prior warning and assume something awful had happened!

Times have changed with the invention of the telephone, busy lives with most people working full time, and the ability to communicate via text message rather than voice. It's bloody great.

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