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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend she can come over but needs to leave at five?

92 replies

CristinaYang · 21/03/2018 06:40

I’m so so bad at this. Blush

I have a good friend who wants to visit today. Problem is that when she visits she stays for hours and hours and never leaves. It’s painful.

I have two very young children. I do their tea at five and then bath then bedtime routine. If my friend is present during this time, they will carry on and not eat and not settle and it’ll be the evening from hell. Voice of bitter experience.

Problem is that friend (who lives in a different town) has something on local to me at seven o’clock so I think she is envisaging staying till then.

Would it be really bad for me to say to her yeah come over but I need you to leave before five?? Obviously I’ll think of a more polite way to phrase it Blush

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 21/03/2018 07:22

Surely if she has to go to a thing at 7 then she's not going to stay hours and never leave and the evening won't be hell anyway? You can do the kids tea at five and she'll be on her way at 6ish or even earlier to grab a bite herself. Worst case scenario she's there till 6:45, and you can still have sorted the kids using the magic words "I've gotta sort the kids now". I don't see the problem tonight, even if she's a problem on other occasions.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2018 07:32

"she'll be on her way at 6ish "

If she's going somewhere nearby at 7 I suppose she'll leave just before 7 and if OP is making food for the children, wouldn't she offer some for her guest as well?
I find the idea of chucking her out at 5 quite odd if she's visiting because she has something nearby at 7, it leaves the guest with two hours kicking her heels.
I think if I was the guest I'd want to cancel because leaving at 5 doesn't work with the thing at 7.

eddielizzard · 21/03/2018 07:45

either you put on your crocodile suit and be very blunt with her or you say it's not convenient today.

personally i'd go for the crocodile suit. but if you're not used to it it can be stressful and you may feel guilty. but it's also liberating. see it as personal development Grin

GU24Mum · 21/03/2018 07:55

Can't you just say to her that you need to sort the children out from 5 bt she's welcome to stay provided she can pitch in or you can leave her in another room with tea and biscuits? Agree that a phone call will be much better than a text as no chance it will sounds terse which it could do on a screen.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/03/2018 08:09

Ooh I hate people like this, who just are totally oblivious to the cues, it's very rude. I would tell her that she must leave at 5, if not meet outside the home so you can make a swift exit.

FinallyHere · 21/03/2018 08:10

If she doesn't pick up in hints then you just need to be clear with her. Aim to have her gone by 4.45, so you can tidy up cups etc and be ready to start your usual routine at 5pm. Set an alarm on your phone for 4.30, and 4.45. When the first alarm goes off, you get up and ask friend if there was anything else she needed before she goes and deal with that...Then when the second alarm goes off, you express regret that she has to go now, open the door and say goodbye. Move back into the house so that she is between you and the door. Make sure the DC do not run out the door, hand her anything she has forgotten to pick up and keep waving while saying goodbye.

Check the time you close behind her, you will get better and faster the more often you do it.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2018 08:11

"Ooh I hate people like this, who just are totally oblivious to the cues, it's very rude. "

I would argue that it's rude to say someone can come around knowing they've got something at 7 and then chuck them out at 5 or expect them to just guess that you want them to go.
I agree it's better to let her know in advance so she can cancel if she wants to.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 21/03/2018 08:12

I 'had' a friend like this. We grew up together but she just became a selfish adult.

Never turned up on time and then never bloody left.

I resorted to saying I had an appointment and she had to leave by x time, but she hung around. In the end I had to put my coat on and strap the kids in the car and actually left the house with me.

chocatoo · 21/03/2018 08:13

Seems a shame to tell her not to come. Can't you say 'yes' but I will have to give you jobs to do or plonk you in front of the telly from 5pm??

Frogscotch7 · 21/03/2018 08:15

You can say with a smile "I'd love to see you but I'll have to kick you out at 5 so I can do the kids' dinner"/make an important phone call. Then at 4.45 you say "right I better be getting started, it was really nice to see you" and stand up.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/03/2018 08:24

,Gwen even if you tell them, some are totally oblivious and don't take the hint. They will say yes that's ok, but not take the hint when you tell them you are getting kids tea ready, or need to put them to bed.

MadRainbow · 21/03/2018 08:24

I'm awful with hints, even ones that are ridiculously obvious to everyone else (sadly not to meBlush) telling the absolute truth is the only thing that works with me

"Right xxx it's half 4 I need to finish the kids dinner and I'm sorry but if you're here you'll be a massive distraction for the children, we'll organise something again soon"

Strugglingtodomybest · 21/03/2018 08:30

Ooh I hate people like this, who just are totally oblivious to the cues, it's very rude.

Some people can't help it though can they? They aren't socially aware enough to pick up on the cues.

OP, just be honest. Tell her you'd love to see her but she absolutely must leave by 5pm. If she's a true friend this shouldn't upset her.

greenlynx · 21/03/2018 08:32

I have a friend who is always very clear and upfront about her expectations. She would txt me in this situation 'I would love to see you but I will only have time until 5 pm' and then I can choose what's to do.

Titaniumpins · 21/03/2018 08:37

what @toomuchtooold said

ShortandAnnoying · 21/03/2018 08:39

I do think it's a bit mean to kick her out at 5 when she has something on at 7 in your area. Can't you let the evening routine slide a bit and get her to pitch in.

VivaKondo · 21/03/2018 08:49

You both need to communicate better!!

If she is hoping to be able to stay until 7, then she should ASK if this is ok for you. Not impose herself in you by default.
If you know that her staying after 5.00pm is gong to lead to a nightmare, you need to TELL HER clearly, not drop hints.

The issue you have is that you are planning to lie to her, which might well come and bite you in the bum.
You are also not stating your boundaries clearly so she might well be completely oblivious this is an issue. Eat if this has been the way you’ve met up for years and years.

A simple ‘God, children are changing so much. Nowdays, it’s Impossible to put them in bed if there is someone is in the house! Would it be ok if you leave at 5.00pm today?’ Should have been enough
Ideally, it should have happened when she talked about coming over...

VivaKondo · 21/03/2018 08:50

Ooh I hate people like this, who just are totally oblivious to the cues, it's very rude.

I have to say I absolutely hate it when people can only communicate with cues and hints and can’t clearly state what’s the issue. I’m not a mind reader and nor do I want to spend my time having to guess if saying xxxx actually means yyyy.
What’s wrong with Just saying things the way they are?

QuimReaper · 21/03/2018 08:52

I think people who aren't great at picking up hints / clues tend to appreciate people being direct and clear. I've found people like that are usually pretty chilled and probably used to people being blunt. If you're hyper-sensitive you're more likely to be prancing around second-guessing people and always pre-emptively apologising for things, than sitting there totally oblivious.

LimonViola · 21/03/2018 08:54

I can't believe you haven't just messaged saying 'can't wait to see you! I'll need to say bye at 5 though so I can do the kids evening routine as they'll play up with company, hope that's okay. See you soon!'

How do people get through life afraid to make a simple request of someone they consider to be a good friend? 😂

LimonViola · 21/03/2018 08:55

I do think it's a bit mean to kick her out at 5 when she has something on at 7 in your area. Can't you let the evening routine slide a bit and get her to pitch in.

Really? Why do you think that? I assume she's an adult and can make other plans or entertain herself for those two hours?

Original poster
CristinaYang · 21/03/2018 09:02

Right ok I’ve called her and said basically I’d love to see you but I’m going to need to kick you out at five so I can get the kids tea done etc. Her response was “oh no that’s ok I can help with their tea!”

So yeah.

Ah well it’ll be good to see her. I don’t see her often.

OP posts:
derxa · 21/03/2018 09:06

I do think it's a bit mean to kick her out at 5 when she has something on at 7 in your area. Can't you let the evening routine slide a bit and get her to pitch in. Absolutely this.
You sound ridiculously rigid.

Original poster
CristinaYang · 21/03/2018 09:08

Aw thanks derxa Smile

OP posts:
LimonViola · 21/03/2018 09:09

CristinaYang do you want her help for tea or would you prefer to have her out at 5 and just crack on with it all alone?