To tell friend she can come over but needs to leave at five?

[CristinaYang]

I’m so so bad at this.

I have a good friend who wants to visit today. Problem is that when she visits she stays for hours and hours and never leaves. It’s painful.

I have two very young children. I do their tea at five and then bath then bedtime routine. If my friend is present during this time, they will carry on and not eat and not settle and it’ll be the evening from hell. Voice of bitter experience.

Problem is that friend (who lives in a different town) has something on local to me at seven o’clock so I think she is envisaging staying till then.

Would it be really bad for me to say to her yeah come over but I need you to leave before five?? Obviously I’ll think of a more polite way to phrase it

Oh no! I don't think you're rigid at all, you just know your own kids. I think the opportunity might be lost, but for next time perhaps you could reply "actually if you stay they'll just be totally hyper as they're struggling with bedtime recently so I want to do our bedtime wind down ourselves. Actually you could even call her back and say it now, "having thought about it". Good luck. You're allowed to set boundaries in your own house.

Aw thanks derxa It's a pleasure. I hope you enjoy the the visit and the kids have a nice time with Auntie X. Seriously life's too short.

Don't be a pushover just because she can't take a hint OP!

Reply with 'that's sweet of you to offer but I prefer to do it alone as they'll be hyped up with someone else there! So I'll have to say bye at 5. See you soon!'

Maybe she just thinks she's being nice but at the end of the day you don't have to let your day and your time be dictated by somebody else unless you want that.

My usual is
"Gosh, look at the time! Time flies when you're having fun! I'm afraid I'm going to have to get on with X now as I'm already a bit late. It's been lovely seeing you, though.... hope we can do this again soon. Shall I get your coat?"

Stay firm but polite. No one can be offended.

I have a friend like this, she's lovely, great fun but oh dear god she just doesn't know when to go home! Hints do not work, you could change into your pjs and sit yawning and she'd still carry on.

I once invited her for Sunday dinner at 3 and eventually had to send her home after 10. It didn't occur to her to go when we were getting dc ready for bed at 8, she didn't take the hint when I mentioned at 830 getting work clothes organized for the next day, she just came into the kitchen with me and carried on chatting while I made dc school lunches at 930. At 10 I had to say "Right DF it's been lovely but I'm afraid I'll have to kick you out now". It was still another half hour before she got out the door!

The thing is though, in the same way that she's a bit oblivious to hints/cues, she's also oblivious to things that other people might see as rude or insulting. Basically she's impossible to offend I think with people like that you either have to be prepared to be very direct to ensure they don't overstay or if you can't do that just don't have her over. Nowadays I tend to socialise with my friend somewhere that I can leave .

What you said limon, that's perfect.

As they say, "you need to tell her what you've told us."

No need to lie, just explain that there are reasons why she needs to be either out of the door or parked quietly in the lounge with a drink and the TV or whatever after a certain time.

If she is a real friend she will understand the situation.

I would be pretty mortified if I realised that I was out staying my welcome and the person I was visiting was silently wanting me gone but not actually saying it! I'm not one to overstay but if on the off chance I did I'd want someone to just say right, I'll show you out.

If it's a friend you're visiting you couldn't possibly be offended by that, surely you like each other and think the best of one another?

One of my best friends is very ill and when I visit he just says 'right I'm tired so I'll have to say bye' and I'm up and gone. It doesn't matter if I've driven 60 miles to see him and it's been fifteen minutes of seeing each other. That's not the point and I thought most friendships would be strong enough that they can withstand something as simple as one person saying that they need to finish a meet up by a certain time :/

I have exactly the same dilemma today, but it's my brother who's visiting.

It will be great to see him, we'll go out for a walk, and DS loves having a new target to play with. But. He just stays and stays, and honestly it's a bit hard to explain when he's made the effort to come across town that the evening routine works best without extra people there.

I know I won't have the toughness to say anything though, so it's going to be a late night for an over-excited DS. Oh well, he'll enjoy it.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Tell him ahead of time then he can make the decision whether it's worth the trip or not.

But yeah, if you decide not to say anything you at least know the outcome and can decide whether it's worth it or not.

Limon I know you’re right. I just really don’t want to hurt her or embarrass her.

Maybe I’m a bit antisocial and awkward I dunno. I find things like this difficult and I’m not a huge fan of people in my “space”. I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s a control thing

If she's hurt or embarrassed by a friend with young kids needing her to leave at a certain point for the kid's routine then that's her problem not yours, seriously. It's normal to agree how long a meet up will be if you can't both let it go on indefinitely.

So that's out then op? You're given in?

You then say "sorry but it makes it all so much harder and I can't be doing with that today. Did you still want to come and leave at 5 or would you prefer to rearrange to another day?"

Then if she tries again when she is here you continue being assertive and you tell her she had tho leave as previously agreed.

No wonder she stays. She probably doesn't even realise it's a real problem for you.

The more you practice saying what you need from someone the easier it gets :)

I think that's very rude of her to reply that way - no you don't want her help with tea, you want her gone.

I'd say "oh thanks for the offer but it's a school night and we need to stick to routine. So as long as it suits you to leave at 5 or just before then it'll be lovely to see you."

You just need to be honest. She is your friend so just tell her. If she doesn't understand tell her again.

The more you practice saying what you need from someone the easier it gets. Very true Limon and applies to friendships, relationships, career and well... all human interactions really! Life would be a lot easier if we could all do this without worrying that it's rude or selfish. Start practicing today Op!

she just doesn’t pick up on hints

So tell her! “ sorry to have to give you a kicking out time, but if you could be away from here by 5pm that would be great, otherwise the dc routine will be shot to pieces and I’ll suffer all evening”

Some people don’t pick up on hints, but you know so do some adulting and put your dc first rather than worrying about upsetting your friend. If she’s a real friend she will understand, and if she is just using you as somewhere to park her car and hang out for a few hours, you’ll soon know.

Tbh I think it's a bit shit that you've told her this today - depending on what else she's doing she may already have left home in the assumption she's not going back into after her thing at 7. Why do you know about the thing at 7? If she told you then I'd say that's a pretty clear implicit 'can I come to yours until I need to go', to which you essentially said yes. While I wouldn't be that bothered - and I wouldn't say anything - I would be surprised and think it a bit rude if a friend announced at the last minute that actually I have to go sit in a pub on my own or whatever for two hours instead.

OP, in your situation I would probably go along with it today but then make some changes.

I have had similar situations and I found arranging to meet at an indoor play area worked quite well. The DC's had fun, we had a coffee and then we both went home.

Alternatively, next time say to your friend - Yes, of course it would be lovely to see you we are at home until (time) but then we all have dental check-ups/DC are going to a friends house etc. That puts a time limit on the visit.

I have a friend like this and have told her to her face, not hinted, and it just doesn’t work. She is not married and does not have DC but I am a mother of three.

She believes that we don’t see each other often enough or for long enough, and that as long as she is prepared to make the effort to come to me and to travel across town then that is all of our practical problems out of the way.

But the truth is I am tired and I get tired. If she arrives at lunchtime or afternoon, and if she waits in the living room while I put the DC to bed and when I come out she is still there waiting to continue the conversation, I feel exhausted just looking at her and not having those moments of relief after DC’s are in bed where you can just crash on the sofa with a glass of wine, alone, means you are still “on duty” even with a friend.

I have tried spelling it out to her. That I am exhausted. That I need to prepare things for tomorrow. That she must be tired too if she has work. But she often leaves at midnight and even then will take 30 mins just to get out of the door. Going to the toilet, finding her coat, something funny on her phone she wants me to see... waiting for a taxi. And the whole time I am willing her to leave and edging her towards the door. And she says “I feel like we never have enough time” and i’m astounded! I feel so guilty because she has travelled to me because of the DC and that she also feels - when I feel exhausted and like i’ve Run dry, that we have lots more things to talk about!

So no advice but just wanted to say it seems to be a certain type of person...

You have my sympathy OP. I also have a "friend" like this. Totally overbearing, doesn't take no for an answer, will watch me struggle with the kids but continue talking about herself. Leaves her children to their own devices, expects me to deal with them as well as my own while keeping her coffee cup topped up and indulging her in her choice of conversation. She is also a competitive "one-upper"; anything I bring up, she has done it bigger and better, and she interrupts constantly because her point is far more important.

I'm quite easy going and can let most of it go over my head, but I can't tolerate her outstaying her welcome. It stresses me out completely.

Hinting didn't work, being direct doesn't work. My solution has been to avoid her completely, unfortunately.

OP I don't think you're antisocial, you just have a limit to how much company you want, and while I guess some people want more and some want less, everyone has their limit. It sort of feels like when we're all talking about this and whether it's rude to set boundaries on what you want to do with your friends, it's like there's a polite fiction we don't want to break that says "I would like to spend All The Time with you if only life didn't get in the way" and that's why people resort to either the sort of "wouldn't want it to be boring for you while I put the kids to bed" excuses or trying to have a natural boundary such as going to soft play and depending on it having a closing time. But like, we all know in ourselves that there is a limit to the amount of time you want to spend with a friend, right? I mean, even if they're still awesome fun 10 hours after they first turned up, you still have to do laundry or whatever... so like we're all going about paying service to this fiction while knowing it's total mince. I really meant it when I said you can move your friendship on by being honest about this stuff. The super politeness keeps people at arm's length.

I think there's also an element of ask vs guess culture in this. Although I think there is a third category of people, who like to Ask but expect everyone around them to Guess. I believe the Mumsnet term is cheeky fucker

Hi OP, I have this problem with one of my relatives. They overstay right until dh comes home from work really late. Dh is tired and then feels the pressure to give the relative a lift home because usually by now the relative has missed their mode of transport time. No amount of hints like I need to give little one his tea seems to work. It’s draining when you have people sitting over you so long while looking after a baby/toddler unless the person is helpful of course.

I have a friend who does this and honestly it's horrible. I love seeing her but in the past she has been visiting for twelve or more hours. It gets exhausting... At one point I put my coat on and got my car keys and she went to put the kettle on again. It ended up in a row and now we meet up in town rather than at my house!