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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to leave my 1 year old for a week?

103 replies

Happystpatricks1 · 19/03/2018 22:16

Dh has won an award (he’s a scientist) and there is a ceremony in Arizona to present the awards. It is a big deal and I’m very happy for him but it is a week long trip away from ds who will be 15 months by then. I have never left him even overnight before but dh isn’t really bothered and thinks ds will have a great time with my sister - yes I do trust her to look after him but a week seems like a long time to be away?

OP posts:
countycouncil · 21/03/2018 11:15

I would have said no way until you mentioned the private plane. Sounds fancy and unless that's normal for you, could be a once in a lifetime trip. Could you go for 3 nights then come back? I know it's really far but that might be a compromise

llangennith · 21/03/2018 11:32

Of course you should go! It’s a wonderful opportunity for both of you. Your son will be fine and you won’t miss him as much as you think.
I have looked after all my grandchildren from when they were babies while their respective parents had a night, weekend, or week away.
I don’t actually know of any parent who hasn’t left their baby with family so they could have a break. But that’s real life and this is MN🙄

kaytee87 · 21/03/2018 11:33

I wouldn't do it, far too long to not be with a parent imo.

Oysterbabe · 21/03/2018 11:36

I'd take him or not go. Don't listen to the people who will be along in a moment talking about mummy martyrs and trying to make you feel like you're pathetic. He's a baby, if you don't want to leave him then don't.

megletthesecond · 21/03/2018 11:47

Nope.
I'd try and take a huge financial hit and pay to go on a normal flight and hotel so we could all go together.

LittleLionMansMummy · 21/03/2018 11:49

I left dd for two nights at 14 months, for work. Hated doing it, and would struggle for longer - but video called dh so I could see both the dc and talk. Dd's little face lit up when she saw me, although obviously she didn't understand what it was all about!

What I'm saying is, she will be absolutely fine if you decide to go and there are ways of staying in touch. It would however be better if she can spend some time away from you before then. Equally, if you don't feel up to it then that's ok too, but obviously talk it through with your dh. Would he understand and be ok if you don't go?

LannieDuck · 21/03/2018 11:49

It's a long time when he's never done an overnight away from you before. Do you have time to do a trial-run for a weekend and see how all concerned get on?

Bluelady · 21/03/2018 11:50

Go, he'll be fine. A week may seem a long time to you but it means nothing to him. I left mine with my mum for four nights when he was five months, he didn't even miss me. If he has a couple of weekends with your sister to get used to being with her overnight and it'll be plain sailing.

GoldenHefalump · 21/03/2018 11:52

I wouldn't. I'd go somewhere if dh was home and it was necessary travel. I wouldn't leave a baby without a parent for a week though.

Nkhutch · 21/03/2018 11:52

Yanbu I wouldn't leave my child that age but then I would struggle to leave her now at 7 🙈 it's a shame he can't go. Is it arranged by someone specific or a company? Surely 1 child wouldn't make such a big difference ?

FluffyWuffy100 · 21/03/2018 11:54

Once in a life time trip - check
Child has a trusted adult they already have a bond with - check

Go go go!

GoldenHefalump · 21/03/2018 11:55

Go, he'll be fine. A week may seem a long time to you but it means nothing to him. I left mine with my mum for four nights when he was five months, he didn't even miss me

There is a massive difference between a five and fifteen month old.

A fifteen month old most certainly WILL notice his immediate family disappearing for days and many, especially those like the op's who are not used to being left, will suffer for it.

Although obviously it's more comforting to tell yourself it's fine.

ZanyMobster · 21/03/2018 11:59

I think he'll be fine but it really doesn't matter what anyone else says, it's whatever you feel comfortable with.

You could argue that the 'mummy martyrs' as a pp referred to are the ones coming out spouting how right they are.

There is a balance, if you are happy and your child is comfortable with your sister then go for it, if that isn't the case for either you or your child then don't go.

widgetbeana · 21/03/2018 12:00

With my first dd I didn't leave her for longer than 1 night (hospital stay) until she was 3.

With dd2 I left her for 5 nights at 11mo. We took dd1 to Disneyland!

I guess I'm saying my priorities shifted, 11mo was left with my parents, whom she knows and loves. She had a wonderful week and my parents speak fondly of that time together. We had a wonderful time with dd1. Much better than would have had with dd2 (who would not have gained anything from it).

So in your case, you get to show your DH how much you care and support him. As well as get a shared experience, which are rarer now you are a family.
Your ds seems like he will have a good support system and I imagine your sister might even enjoy the extended bonding time?

I have to stay I would never have considered it with dd1, but I probably should have. Try to be objective and make a decision which benefits you all, that may be not going, but try to be as honest and balanced in your thinking as possible. It's hard, mummy guilt is a really powerful force!

NameChange30 · 21/03/2018 12:01

YANBU, I wouldn’t want to leave my 1yo for a week.
I understand the dilemma though as it sounds like a cool trip and a big deal for your husband.
Could you afford a one-way flight so that you go for part of the trip (3 or 4 nights)? Make sure you’re there for the ceremony bit?
I think the fact that no children are allowed is quite discriminatory tbh as it excludes parents of young children, particularly breastfeeding mothers. I don’t see why they couldn’t allow people to take young children on the trip and keep most of the events adults only.

DollyMcDolly · 21/03/2018 12:05

I'd go. 100%

LittleLionMansMummy · 21/03/2018 12:06

There is a massive difference between a five and fifteen month old.

A fifteen month old most certainly WILL notice his immediate family disappearing for days

Yes but equally a 15mo usually has enough experience to know that their parent will return. A 5mo doesn't. No judgement on Bluelady at all, just that I'm not sure there is a 'good' age to leave a child and that people shouldn't feel guilty for making these decisions purely on the basis of age. It's more about the personality of the child and their ability to cope in a given situation. Which is why the op would do well to have a 'dry run' which might put her mind at rest, or equally decide it's not an option for her.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/03/2018 12:07

Sounds like an amazing trip! Maybe try a few practice sleepovers first so both DS and your sister (and you!) can have a trial run?

drspouse · 21/03/2018 12:20

I left DS for 2 weeks when he was 21 months - work trip. I had a lovely breakfast Skype session with him every day (him in high chair, me just finishing up my work day in Asia).
I'd go but practice sleepovers as a PP has said.

NameChange30 · 21/03/2018 12:23

Just to add, I would be much more comfortable leaving DS with DH, than I would going away with DH and leaving DS with someone else.

Herbalteahippie · 21/03/2018 12:23

I’m sure DS will be fine, but I imagine you would miss him a lot xxx

Pinkprincess1978 · 21/03/2018 12:26

I know how you feel, my husband won a trip away, it wasn't an option to take our children who were 2 and 3 at the time. We were away 4 nights/5 days and it was hard but so worth it. Children were fine with family. DS cried during one of our calls which upset me but my DB kindly sent video of him playing and laughing just moments later to reassure me he was ok.

Go, support your husband and enjoy the break.

BubbleAndSquark · 21/03/2018 12:29

I definitely wouldn't at that age, they're too young to understand.
When DD was 4 I had to spend 2 weeks in hospital with DD2 in isolation so only saw her briefly a couple of times, and even at that age where she understood she was upset and clingy about it after.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/03/2018 12:35

Is def go, sounds like a wonderful opportunity and he's very familiar with your sister if she's already looking after him one day a week. Start doing some overnight stays to get him used to u.

Occasionally you need to put yourself and your relationship with your DH first .... much better in the long run for your DS.

Fruitbat1980 · 21/03/2018 12:41

I left my 6 month old son with my SIL &DB for 48 hours while we went to Vegas (we were already in California visiting them) I won’t lie- it was bloody awesome 😂 he was fine and dandy. However I still carry guilt and haven’t left him since (he’s 3!)
Go, do it, it’s a one off! And FaceTime is a great thing!