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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go?

101 replies

CaptainCabinets · 19/03/2018 20:54

It's a wedding one!

DP and I were invited to his close friend's wedding in May. We both booked the day off work and have just found out that the bride has de-invited us (and the majority of the groom's friends) from the ceremony to cut costs - but didn't scratch a single member of her family/friends off the guest list. For background, she's controlling and rather horrid in many ways (constantly badgers him to come home when he's out with friends - at 8:30!) They don't have kids.

So WIBU to just not go? I know how expensive weddings can be but deinviting your HTB's friends from the ceremony (without consulting him!) is so fucking rude?!

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 20/03/2018 14:16

It is sad to see so many people call him names, that just wouldn't happen if it was a woman. However it's his choice - they aren't married yet, he can choose to go ahead with it is not.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/03/2018 14:22

The people saying if this was a guy doing it to a girl are right, everyone would be screaming emotional abuse and LTB!

If this guy is honestly a good friend, you and DH or just DH on his tod, need to get him out for a sit down conversation. A proper 'We are worried about you. Are you actually happy? Do you actually want to get married?' chat. Give the guy and opportunity to say what's going on.

Give the poor guy a chance to open up.

Original poster
CaptainCabinets · 20/03/2018 16:10

he proposed after about 3 months when he was drunk and has just bumbled along with it because he can't stand up to her

Has he actually told you this and he didn't mean to propose/made a mistake? Or are you just guessing this/talking about it behind his back?

I'm just wondering if your friend's fiancée has picked up on you all talking about how doomed the marriage will be and that's the real recent you've been uninvited to the ceremony?

He's told us that he proposed when drunk and didn't really mean it, and his response to being asked why he was still going ahead with it was "well you know what she's like." And we do.

Nobody's said anything in her presence about how we feel about her/the marriage so she doesn't know his friends.

There is definite emotional abuse, I have seen one occasion of physical violence from her towards him about a year ago (I don't mean to dripfeed, but it's been asked upthread) - he was drunk at a party and had fallen asleep so she kicked him several times to wake him Angry, we told her in no uncertain terms to leave him alone, then walked/carried him home (1.5 fucking miles!!) while she stormed off ahead and offered zero assistance.

I'll speak to DP about inviting him out for a beer, either just the two of them or the rest of their group, to give him a little pep talk and see if he wants to open up about things, and that he still has all of our support whatever happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaptainCabinets · 20/03/2018 16:10

*She doesn't know his friends don't approve

OP posts:
Original poster
CaptainCabinets · 20/03/2018 16:17

Again, apologies for the huge dripfeed and the fact that this has turned into so much more than the initial post, which seems pretty fucking trivial compared to what I described as 'background'; I've just never written it all down in one place before but reading back over it, it's ghastly and now I feel like we've a much bigger problem to think about. Thanks for bearing with me!

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 20/03/2018 16:21

I wouldn't go to the reception or stag/hen dos. The writing is on the wall isn't it? This isn't a marriage that looks like a long haul job so keep in touch with him and be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes pear-shaped further down the line.

Thistlebelle · 20/03/2018 19:45

well you know what she's like." And we do.

Short term fall out from breaking up would be far less distressing/damaging that tying yourself legally and financially to someone who is abusive.

You need to do something about this.

clairedelalune · 20/03/2018 22:40

I disagree that if this was a woman language used would be different; there are plenty of threads on here about people asking for advice about dealing with controlling/weird/unreasonable friends/relations/siblings/neighbours. 9/10 times people are told to "stop being a doormat". My understanding, although I welcome being corrected if I am wrong, is that the majority of mn users are women, therefore women are being told that they need to stand up for themselves. Lots of people are told to 'ltb'. I don't think is unreasonable to question what this man has done to stop things happening. In my former colleagues example, he just couldn't be bothered to say no to each more ludicrous scenario and now with child doesn't feel able to get out.

However from the further information you have given OP, he does sound like he needs some help and if nothing else a sounding board and potentially a safe place to go if he decides to leave. Maybe he has suggested to her he doesn't want to get married and she has threatened to do something dreadful? Maybe she would be fine (albeit devastated) if he said he doesn't want to go through with it.
Sending lots of luck.

Daddystepdaddy · 20/03/2018 23:16

The ceremony is the cheap part! Do you mean the wedding breakfast/afternoon do?

To be honest it sounds like this couple haven't planned properly at all. We knew the costs of all the parts of the day before we even issued formal invites to people (they'd had save the date cards that did not indicate whether they were invited to the whole day or just the evening do, but anyone invite could go to our ceremony at the church).

fabulous01 · 20/03/2018 23:20

I would keep theave booked and have a lovely day... not at wedding

Ginger1982 · 20/03/2018 23:26

Wow, I've heard of an upgrade at a wedding but not a downgrade!

Original poster
CaptainCabinets · 05/05/2018 23:54

Update: we did not go to the reception!

Very much doubt we’ll ever hear from either of them again.

OP posts:
KittyVonCatsworth · 05/05/2018 23:57

I’d still go but make a day of it. Have a nice lunch out with your DH, get dressed up and go.

KittyVonCatsworth · 05/05/2018 23:58

Should have read the thread 😂

C0untDucku1a · 06/05/2018 00:05

Why? What was the Outcome?

SmileyTee123 · 06/05/2018 00:06

They were uninvited to the ceremony but are still invited to the reception afterwards

stressedoutfred · 06/05/2018 00:23

Oh no @CaptainCabinets , what happened?

C0untDucku1a · 06/05/2018 00:26

I know that. I meant why the forever fall out aith the groom!

PerspicaciaTick · 06/05/2018 00:32

That is sad - it sounds like he needs his friends. Did your DH say something to him before the ceremony?

Original poster
CaptainCabinets · 06/05/2018 00:59

Yes, we sent him a text a couple of days ago after agonising over it. Something along the lines of “Hi mate, it’s a shame how things have panned out and we can’t say we’re not disappointed to have been crossed off the list but enjoy your day and enjoy married life. Still here if you need us. Best wishes, CC&DP.”

But now she’s got that ring on her finger, I doubt she’ll ever let him speak to us again. I reckon that was the end game, tbh. Cut off his friends so she can then say “see, they don’t care about you” and have him all to herself forever Sad

OP posts:
Motoko · 06/05/2018 08:22

Such a shame he went along with it, he's well and truly trapped himself now.

Original poster
CaptainCabinets · 22/05/2018 12:30

Another update!

DP went out for a drink with the groom the other night and it turned out he was totally oblivious to the fact he’d upset us Hmm

Apparently we were selected for the cull because they ‘didn’t think we’d mind’. Unfortunately they didn’t realise this meant there would have to be some sort of explanation and reassurance that we hadn’t done anything to upset them!

Anyway, DP and groom are happily chummy again and have gone out for lunch together today. A happy ending! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
CaptainCabinets · 22/05/2018 12:31

Oh, and groom said to DP that he was going to start standing up to his wife! He’s finally realised she is rather controlling and doesn’t want that for the rest of his life.

OP posts:
Motoko · 22/05/2018 16:22

Well, good luck to him, he's going to need it, because she's not going to like being stood up to.

So, most of his friends were cut from the wedding, and it didn't occur to him that people would notice, and want an explanation?

Still, I'm glad that he's been out with your partner, he'll need a good mate to listen to him, and tell him that he doesn't have to put up with his wife's attempts to control him.

Wallywobbles · 22/05/2018 21:43

He sounds ducking dumb frankly.