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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go?

101 replies

CaptainCabinets · 19/03/2018 20:54

It's a wedding one!

DP and I were invited to his close friend's wedding in May. We both booked the day off work and have just found out that the bride has de-invited us (and the majority of the groom's friends) from the ceremony to cut costs - but didn't scratch a single member of her family/friends off the guest list. For background, she's controlling and rather horrid in many ways (constantly badgers him to come home when he's out with friends - at 8:30!) They don't have kids.

So WIBU to just not go? I know how expensive weddings can be but deinviting your HTB's friends from the ceremony (without consulting him!) is so fucking rude?!

OP posts:
Cupoteap · 20/03/2018 06:35

You need to speak to him and tell him how you feel and that you are worried about him and him marrying her. If she's doing this now it's only a matter of time before she gets rid of his friends completely. Try and stop him from making this mistake

DarkRoomDarren · 20/03/2018 06:44

Yikes! This sounds horrible. I don’t think I could go, knowing that he’s making a dreadful mistake in marrying her, (which I think he is, based on what I’ve read here). You could say you aren’t going because you think he’s making a big mistake, but then if he goes ahead with it, things will be super awkward...

Alternatively, you could speak to him, say your piece as diplomatically as possible; that you’re worried etc, but that you will support him whatever he decides. Then go to the wedding reception as his friend.

backsackcraic · 20/03/2018 06:56

Can't you persuade the groom not to go too? WinkWink

DarkRoomDarren · 20/03/2018 06:58

Just to add; go to the reception to support the friend but be ready to also support him when the SHTF.

newdaylight · 20/03/2018 07:04

He does sound a wet lettuce. So much so , I am amazed she finds him attractive.

This is a controlling relationship. There's loads of reasons why people feel trapped in controlling relationships. Quite a lot of victim blaming on this thread but saying I'm surprised she finds him attractive tops the rest. She didn't want someone who will stand up to her, she's worked on him exactly so he'll do what she says

Dipitydoda · 20/03/2018 07:14

She’s a controlling cow. Trying to create distance between he gusband and his support network. If this was a man doing this to a woman people would be rightly calling emotional abuse. I could not go to support s wedding like this. I would be telling the groom what she is doing , how it will only get worse etc. I bet you have seen your friend wither away as a person during the course of this relationship

Appuskidu · 20/03/2018 07:17

So, you are only invited to the evening do?

She’ll be wanting a full decent present then which is why she hasn’t banned you completely!

If you don’t go, I expect she will use against you forever and you (and whoever else) will be the ‘friends’ that couldn’t be arsed to come to the wedding OR buy them a gift! She probably won’t ever let him talk to you again for betraying them Grin.

To be honest, she sounds awful and he sounds pathetic!

Jamboree05 · 20/03/2018 07:24

I'm very surprised by all those calling this poor chap a wet lettuce. Victim blaming at its best.

Black and white situation is he is in an abusive relationship, where his wife to be controls his every move.

OP, I really don't think the problem here is that you've been disinvited from the wedding. The problem is the actual bloody wedding. Please try and help this bloke to leave her before it is too late.

Wallywobbles · 20/03/2018 07:31

When you marry an arse your friends all take a step back sooner or later. In his case it looks like it's going to be sooner.

wibs77 · 20/03/2018 07:41

Wow what a way to start a marriage. At our wedding we split the numbers 50/50. This meant most of my side were friends ans most of his side were family but it was our choice who to invite for our 32 adult places for the ceremony. I certainly wouldn't have disinvited anyone unless they had done something terrible and we were no longer friends.
I think you should go to support your friend. I also didn't invite anyone to my hen that wasn't invited to the day it would have felt rude.

DarkRoomDarren · 20/03/2018 08:03

If you don’t go, I expect she will use against you forever and you (and whoever else) will be the ‘friends’ that couldn’t be arsed to come to the wedding OR buy them a gift! She probably won’t ever let him talk to you again for betraying them

Exactly.

This is why I would think twice about saying your piece and NOT going. I would say my piece and go OR not say anything and make a very good excuse not to go if you can’t bear to be there. I wouldn’t want to give the bride any ammo to beat the groom with, or any reason for her to cut me out entirely.

Either way, I’d want to be in the groom’s life now as much as possible, so that if things escalate, he will still have friends to turn to.

I also agree this sounds like worrying, controlling behaviour by the bride.

QueenDaisy · 20/03/2018 08:26

She’s very rude & if I was you I’d not be going. Since you & your DP have booked the day off work, you should have a day out together. As for Weddngs, if I’m invited to the full thing I buy a present, if I’m invited to the evening part only & go, I only take a card.

hubbabubbanightmare · 20/03/2018 08:30

I'd like to hear her side of the story!

Why go if you hate her so much - your friend loves her and is marrying her.

Original poster
CaptainCabinets · 20/03/2018 11:28

I'm a bit Shock at all the responses calling him weak and pathetic for letting her do this, it's tantamount to emotional abuse! Would you be saying it if the situation was reversed and it was a man controlling a woman? Sad

I don't know what we're going to do. Neither of us think he's making the right decision (he proposed after about 3 months when he was drunk and has just bumbled along with it because he can't stand up to her), we've seen less and less of him since, and if we do see him then she stays at home (she's always invited) and bombards him with texts all evening asking him when he's coming home. She's forced him to cancel plans he's made with his friends before because she's decided they're visiting her family instead and she needs him to drive there. I don't know what to do, how can you convince someone to not marry someone who is so wrong for them Sad

OP posts:
DarkRoomDarren · 20/03/2018 11:33

how can you convince someone to not marry someone who is so wrong for them

You can’t! Same as if it was a woman in a controlling relationship with a man. You can really only make sure he knows you’re there for him if he needs you, (which he will by the sounds of things)!

I’d say my piece once if it was a close friend, but not mention it again unless he did.

expatinscotland · 20/03/2018 12:29

'I'm a bit shock at all the responses calling him weak and pathetic for letting her do this, it's tantamount to emotional abuse! Would you be saying it if the situation was reversed and it was a man controlling a woman? sad'

He's an adult. He's a grown up. And you're friends, so why hasn't anyone said anything to him? I'd say the same thing to him as I would to a woman when I declined (only unlike you'd I'd declined all the way even before the retracted invitation. 'Sorry it's come to this, I think you're making a mistake and I can't support this marriage. Wish you the best and you know where to find me.'

'Wow, she's really controlling. It's a real pity you're leaving early because she's so controlling. It's so unlike you, X, I'm really worried about you. Have you considered that you're being abused?'

lostinjapan · 20/03/2018 12:40

Sap, wet, coward, wet lettuce (x3), door mat, 'I am amazed she finds him attractive'...

Would you use these insults towards women who have controlling partners?

Thistlebelle · 20/03/2018 13:14

lost The OP didn’t indicate emotional abuse though. Just that the OP didn’t like the fiancé and that the fiancé didn’t like the friends.

“Controlling” is very open to interpretation.

Even the follow up post just said he’s a nice guy that doesn’t like to upset people.

He’s an adult male, there’s no indication in the post of physical abuse or financial abuse. They aren’t yet married. There appears to be no basis for assuming that he’s unable to make his own decisions.

If the OP does in fact think her friend is being abused (which she didn’t say until her last post) then I would be speaking to his family and seeing what I could do to help him.

Motoko · 20/03/2018 13:14

He is being abused. When he stops seeing his friends, keep in touch with him via email/phone whichever way you can.

Maybe send him info on coercive control, and let him know that it's illegal now. Far better to suffer a bit of embarrassment now, than years of living with an abusive spouse.

Motoko · 20/03/2018 13:15

I meant, embarrassment cancelling the wedding.

mollied · 20/03/2018 13:22

I would stick it to them and go for the evening maybe buy a lovely white dress to wear!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/03/2018 13:24

I think he is being emotionally abused and all you can do in the longer term is keep the door open for him. As for the wedding you are damned if you do and damned if you don't to some extent. If you don't go she will use it as an excuse to undermine his already shaky friendships but if you do go then she knows she can get away with dumping on his friends.

clairedelalune · 20/03/2018 13:51

Has he expressed to her that he doesn't want to do xyz or go to abc? What has she said she would do if he refuses to go along with her. It may well be that while she is definitely controlling, she is also emotionally abusing him, but what is he doing to counter it/others doing to stop it? The first step to stopping any form of abuse is admitting, even if it is just to yourself (if you are the victim) that there is a problem. The original post suggested someone who was just going along with it; if you genuinely feel he is being abused, you need to be there for him and tell him he has options available. What would she do if he saud he didn't want to get married?

WonderLime · 20/03/2018 14:02

he proposed after about 3 months when he was drunk and has just bumbled along with it because he can't stand up to her

Has he actually told you this and he didn't mean to propose/made a mistake? Or are you just guessing this/talking about it behind his back?

I'm just wondering if your friend's fiancée has picked up on you all talking about how doomed the marriage will be and that's the real recent you've been uninvited to the ceremony?

WonderLime · 20/03/2018 14:03

Reason*