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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go?

101 replies

CaptainCabinets · 19/03/2018 20:54

It's a wedding one!

DP and I were invited to his close friend's wedding in May. We both booked the day off work and have just found out that the bride has de-invited us (and the majority of the groom's friends) from the ceremony to cut costs - but didn't scratch a single member of her family/friends off the guest list. For background, she's controlling and rather horrid in many ways (constantly badgers him to come home when he's out with friends - at 8:30!) They don't have kids.

So WIBU to just not go? I know how expensive weddings can be but deinviting your HTB's friends from the ceremony (without consulting him!) is so fucking rude?!

OP posts:
Original poster
CaptainCabinets · 19/03/2018 21:09

No he's not sure, DP has asked Sad it's a horrible mess

OP posts:
AthenasOwl · 19/03/2018 21:10

I'd be surprised if he has any friends left if she's disinviting them all from the wedding.
I've never heard of that happening in my life.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2018 21:10

Nah, fuck that. I'd decline. I'd tell the groom, too, but he won't listen. He's an adult, if he decides to kowtow to her he has only himself to blame. Wouldn't take time off work for an evening do.

Teaandbiscuits35 · 19/03/2018 21:10

That's so rude! I've never heard of anyone being uninvited to a wedding! She sounds lovely 😂 I wouldn't go but I'd at least send my husband for a couple of hours if it would mean a lot to his friend.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 19/03/2018 21:11

So she still wants you to get them a present and take it to evening do? Fuck that.
Have a nice night out with your dh and toast 'good luck' to the poor fucker!!

MrsDilber · 19/03/2018 21:13

Sorry op but the groom sounds a bit of a wet lettuce for letting her do this. I don't fancy their chances much.

Don't go.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2018 21:13

'I think the groom would be heartbroken if his friends didn't come to the reception, that is the single reason I would even consider going. '

Diddums. He's a grown man. He can't be that heartbroken if he won't stand up to her.

Norugratsatall · 19/03/2018 21:13

To 'cut costs'? Surely the ceremony is the least expensive aspect of the whole thing? Makes no sense.

Thistlebelle · 19/03/2018 21:14

He’s not a lovely guy.

He’s a coward and a door mat.

Either he approves of the decision to cut you (dreadful manners he should be mortified not sheepish) and he should be straight with you and not blame it on her.

Or he should have made sensible decisions about budget and guest list with her before invitations went out.

You can’t just pin this on her. He’s equally culpable. No one is holding him at gun point.

I’d seriously lose respect for a friend like that.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2018 21:17

'To 'cut costs'? Surely the ceremony is the least expensive aspect of the whole thing? Makes no sense.'

They're cut from the ceremony and the meal after and only invited now to the evening do.

'So she still wants you to get them a present and take it to evening do? Fuck that. '

Bet you it's a cash grab, too. 'Give us money as a present'.

I'm with Thistle. I'd lose all respect for him. No gift and certainly no card celebrating marriage to a twat.

Gemini69 · 19/03/2018 21:20

Ooofft sounds like a disaster waiting to happen Flowers

I wouldn't go either OP Grin

Juells · 19/03/2018 21:26

Diddums. He's a grown man.

That's how I'd feel, too. He isn't standing up for his friends now, and his friendships are going to disappear over the next couple of years anyway, as she'll cut them out.

No show, and no present.

jcsp · 19/03/2018 21:26

You can go to the Church part - they are public. (And legally so I think)

It might create problems if it’s a very small Church of if you’re writing about Harry and Meghan’s wedding.

However I suspect you’ve a deal of hairwashing not to mention shoelace ironing to do that day.

We were invited to the evening do recently but went to the Church bit first. There were quite a few of that Church’s regular congregation there who weren’t invited to any later part but just wanted to see the bride married ( most had known here and her family for years)

MadisonAvenue · 19/03/2018 21:26

That's awful. He's really going to regret marrying her.

It sort of reminded me of my cousin's wedding. His wife put over 400 photos on Facebook and there wasn't a single photo which showed anyone from our side of the family, apart from her new mother in law and sister in law and obviously her husband.

Zazzleza · 19/03/2018 21:28

We had to disinvite a few people from our ceremony as they told us about fire restrictions a month before. It was in a large room in a Registry Office so we had no reason to question numbers and our wedding party wasn’t very big (50). We had to cut it to 42, which was massively embarrassing and a horrible task.
We gave a number of friends that we knew would have probably preferred to go straight to the Reception venue 30mins away the option. It all worked out fine and I honestly don’t think anyone was offended.
If it hadn’t been our Wedding we both agreed we would rather have just gone to the reception anyway... Personally I find the ceremony bit quite boring 😬

PatchworkElmer · 19/03/2018 21:29

How breathtakingly rude of her! Honestly, I think in your position I think I’d feel too awkward to go. I wouldn’t bother- just tell the groom you’ll celebrate with them another time.

Hellsbellscockleshells · 19/03/2018 21:29

I once got de-invited from a wedding breakfast many years ago and was encouraged to instead attend only the evening party. I didn’t go to either in the end.
I was single at the time and had been invited to the wedding breakfast on my own originally. Previously I had been the brides best friend for years did lots of babysitting for her whilst she worked and when she was out with her husband to be, who I introduced her to (before she newly split up from her first husband had the chance to tell her parents about her new relationship).
The bride de-invited me as she thought I might feel better just going to the evening doo ah said this more than once etc etc.
Anyway another friends husband was invited but not his wife. The reason they didn’t want me there during the day was bebause the groom speech was a complete pack of lies as to how and when they actually first met.

stellarfox · 19/03/2018 21:29

She sounds awful but I think I would still go for the groom as he is your friend!

museumum · 19/03/2018 21:31

It’s horrendously rude but if you care for the groom don’t let her cut you out of his life. This is coercive control and if it was the other way round people would be screaming abuse. Be there for your friend and hope he manages to break free.

travellinglighter · 19/03/2018 21:31

Yep, definitely tell the groom to man up or he’s setting himself up for a life of misery and he’ll probably end up divorced anyway.

A partner this selfish is a recipe for disaster

luxurybiscuit · 19/03/2018 21:33

They'll be divorced soon enough - I'd not go & save the dress budget for the second wedding!

expatinscotland · 19/03/2018 21:41

You can still be the groom's friend and not go. I'd see going at all as a big lie because it's to celebrate a marriage I think is horrid. Just tell him why, say sorry it's come to this, I think you're making a mistake and I can't support this. Wish you the best and you know where to find me.

'This is coercive control and if it was the other way round people would be screaming abuse. '

Possibly but the person is an adult and no one should feel obligated to collude in it by enabling it or supporting it against their own feelings.

MammaTJ · 19/03/2018 21:50

He does sound a wet lettuce. So much so, I am amazed she finds him attractive.

I had a wet lettuce BF at bout 14 year old, the willingness to do exactly as I wanted was actually off-putting.

BadLad · 19/03/2018 21:51

The groom sounds so wet that he's probably going to his stag night by boat.

The bride sounds like a nightmare.

I don't think I'd be going, unless it's in the hope of some drama.

clairedelalune · 20/03/2018 05:20

Expat's response is a brilliant one, perhaps reminding him also that he doesn't have to marry her and it isn't too late to cancel the wedding. Some men are wet lettuces... A few of my former colleagues have ended up married/with kids having been told that is what is happening and they haven't had the guts to say they didn't want it.