Bringing a present to a ‘No presents’ party

[FemaleDilbert]

Have been invited to 5yo’s birthday party and the parents have said ‘no presents’. AIBU to bring a little present for the birthday child. They are 5 so old enough to have been to birthday parties and associate them with the birthday child receiving presents from the guests.

I just feel bad for the birthday child...or should I honour the parents wishes?

[ThursdayLastWeek]

@ikeepaforkinmypurse

I don’t think you’re understanding my point.
I take gifts to people at appropriate times because I like to give, and I like to express my gratitude and all the other reasons it’s nice to take gifts to people.

I assume that anyone who brings gifts to a person who absolutely does not want them feels that their need to give Is more important than the recipients right to have their request heeded.

[JingleJangle951]

Yes, OP you are being unreasonable. 'No' means 'no'.
It's frustrating in the UK (is it just here?) that many people do not communicate their wishes clearly, so people try to guess what they really mean/want. Here's to a future where 'no' means 'no', 'yes' means 'yes' and we're confident and polite enough to express our wishes and respect those of others.

[gemgemgemgemgem]

A card with a pack of stickers in

[gemgemgemgemgem]

If you must

[ikeepaforkinmypurse]

I assume that anyone who brings gifts to a person who absolutely does not want them feels that their need to give Is more important than the recipients right to have their request heeded.

the problem is that people do not know if the person actually means it or not! That's why it's so awkward, no way of knowing if someone is pretending to be cool, trying to be polite, or genuinely does not want gifts. If someone brings you a gift for your own child, and the whole party gives a gift to the birthday child, you do feel very uncomfortable empty handed.

[HolyGoats]

Why would they not mean it though?! I understand some people cannot bring themselves to turn up empty handed even when specifically asked, but why would anyone go the the effort of writing ‘no gifts please’ if they actually meant ‘bring gifts’?

[ThursdayLastWeek]

Well that’s where we differ I suppose then.

I take gifts when it’s socially appropriate/acceptable/whatever. But if someone asked me not to I wouldn’t second guess them.

In fact as a general rule I’m with JingleJangle. Even if I suspect someone isn’t being straightforward with me, I still ask as if are. Because whose got time for that kind of nonsense?

[Teeniemiff]

I would possibly put a voucher in a card. It’s a present- although not a bulky one- so parents might prefer that for their child

[JoySaidThat]

Three different options I would consider doing in this situation

1. buy & wrap something that is refundable & keep it in the car or your bag as a back up just in case everyone else turns up with a gift
   
   
2. Put some money in a card - if they have too much junk at home then the parents can either put this into the child’s bank account / spend it on something they know they child needs.
   
   
3. If you know their address then you could sign the child up to a subscibtion - my friend did this for my daughter & every month we get a new recipe card & the ingredients etc & make cakes etc. It’s so lovely & we look forward to it so much

[JoySaidThat]

Subscription *

[Gwenvamp]

Our junior infants class have started doing €5 card parties. So handy! No unnecessary pressure then either.

[BeeMyBaby]

I've not read the whole thread but I did this for both my DDs 5th birthdays when they had whole class parties. With DD1 most people respected our wishes, 3 gave gift cards which I politely returned. With DD2 when people asked, I suggested they could get their dc to draw a picture for dd2- over a year later and she still has all the drawings and will keep them for when she is grown up as a lovely memory. I haven't minded them getting gifts when it's a small party (5 friends) but they really didn't need 25 gifts, it's just wasteful and excessive.

[HolyGoats]

Joy a fourth option would be not to get a gift. Like the parents had specifically requested.

[BeeMyBaby]

Almost forgot! We went to another party and the mother told me via text message no presents, however DD2 was the ONLY child not to bring a gift, so I reckon the message wasn't consistent. If it was on the invitation then fine but if it was just by text then like others have said, bring a back up gift.

[ikeepaforkinmypurse]

why would anyone go the the effort of writing ‘no gifts please’ if they actually meant ‘bring gifts’?
lord knows, but some people do! No gift then seeing a "present table" all set up.. it happens

[PattiStanger]

I think I must be on a minority, if I got such an invitation I'd assume they didn't want any presents and wouldn't give it a second thought.

[HolyGoats]

Are you sure it wasn’t just that people had turned up with presents despite being asked not to,m. The host then put it on a table, which then other people who couldn’t resist bringing stuff had put their unasked for presents on. I have been to a lot of kids parties, most don’t request no presents and I have never seen a pre prepared present table. They just go on a spare table or in a corner. Nothing ever decorated by the hosts declaring it as such.

[Sarahrellyboo1987]

This kind of thing really irks me!!
It’s the child birthday!! Issues around space and toys are parents issues!! What kid wants a birthday party and not to receive any presents. Especially at such a young age.

[Xmasbaby11]

They don't want a gift. Don't give a gift.

I would still give a card though.

[wooo69]

My grandson (6) recently went to a no presents party, there was an option to give to charity in lieu of a present.

[yikesanotherbooboo]

In this case it would be bad manners to take a present as you have been asked by your hosts not to. If others take something because they have no respect for the parents that doesn't mean you should feel bad for not taking a present.
Having said that I find this type of request really annoying. Opening presents is part of the party and the excitement for the birthday child and giving presents is part of the enjoyment for the invitee. It is fine for tiny children not to get presents and I totally understand not buying 1st and 2nd birthday gifts for toddlers ( particularly my own) but I really think it is mean and actually a bit obnoxious to make these sort of requests on behalf of a school aged child.

[midnightmisssuki]

we've just been invited to one - its fo a 5 year old and they're having it at a working farm - they have asked for donations to the farm.

If the invite says no presents - surely that is what is should mean?!

[IamAporcupine]

They have asked for no presents, therefore...do not take a present!

JingleJangle951
Yes, OP you are being unreasonable. 'No' means 'no'.
It's frustrating in the UK (is it just here?) that many people do not communicate their wishes clearly, so people try to guess what they really mean/want. Here's to a future where 'no' means 'no', 'yes' means 'yes' and we're confident and polite enough to express our wishes and respect those of others.

This!
I am guessing this is a UK thing as here there is a general tendency to not say what you really mean, or even worse, to say the opposite of what you mean .
It took me years to understand........

[UrgentScurryfunge]

I'd love it if we dropped the culture of buying stuff for the sake of stuff.

I've got two DCs close in age and interest, one of which has a birthday within a week of Christmas. We are drowning in toys because their interests don't change much and they like simple classic toys like Lego and trainsets.

I feel ungrateful but I find that so many of the presents are a waste of the givers time and money and a waste of resources. I then feel guilty about being ungrateful and the toll on the environment. Abandoned items in good condition go to charity shops but a lot ends up in landfill because bits break or get lost. The DCs don't need the presents, they get enough joy from having a party (which is why we have them) and the company of their friends. Their memories of parties are about what they did, not the stuff that is given.

Giving money at least means the child can put it to something more meaningful. DS1 was able to buy a good size Lego set by new year which was much better than lots of little Lego kits that present no challenge.

I have never made any requests about presents, but I would love for the culture to change. So often these presents just create a burden, so unless you know someone is the type to play mind games, respect the request. If you really want to give something £5/ 10 in a card gives the child the joy of buying something they will love.

[ikeepaforkinmypurse]

I am guessing this is a UK thing as here there is a general tendency to not say what you really mean, or even worse, to say the opposite of what you mean confused.
It took me years to understand......

I still don't get it

But look, there's this thread, and on the same forum there are countless threads about CF who came for diner/ or worst a weekend and are being abused behind their back for not bringing a gift. Turning up empty handed for a simple diner brings MN in a fury.

It's a mine field!

I don't think my kids need any more than they have, but I find it just easier not to mention gifts at all. Guests do as they please without pressure and it makes life easier for everybody