Bringing a present to a ‘No presents’ party

[FemaleDilbert]

Have been invited to 5yo’s birthday party and the parents have said ‘no presents’. AIBU to bring a little present for the birthday child. They are 5 so old enough to have been to birthday parties and associate them with the birthday child receiving presents from the guests.

I just feel bad for the birthday child...or should I honour the parents wishes?

[LokiBear]

I'd buy some sweets and a soft play voucher.

[andalittlebitofpixiedust]

I posted earlier but I thought I would post again with more detail as a parent who has asked for no gifts in the past.

My child's birthday is near Christmas. I always discuss with them the idea of 'no presents' and they are always fine with it and in fact prefer the idea of it being about the party and their friends, especially now they are older (but still at primary school).

We live in a mixed area with some extremely affluent people and some on very low income and I partly want to just signal to people that everyone can dial it down a bit wrt gifts.

Nearly everyone brings a gift anyway. However, some of these are 'smaller' gifts than might have been given otherwise - like a tube of nice smelling shower gel rather than a whole set of toiletries, or a handmade gift from one child to another (like a hama bead creation), or a fiver in a card instead of a tenner. My child equally thrilled with any of these as much as a £20 gift voucher or other more expensive items... and the only worry we have when someone hasn't brought a gift at all is when we are writing thank you notes and we worry that we have missed it out somehow... If we know they didn't bring a gift we write thank you for coming to my party.

I certainly appreciate less 'stuff' to deal with so soon after Christmas. My child has enjoyed their party and celebrating with their friends and honestly feels that that is the most important thing.

But obviously we both completely understand that most people don't feel able to come with nothing either because social expectations are very rigid or because they don't have time to give it any thought so they just do what they usually do. Obviously all these options are fine. It is meant to be a celebration and if we stressed about people actually bringing gifts when they had been told not to... Well, what is the point.

[thegreylady]

A card with a badge on it and a sheet of stickers inside covers all the options.

[anon99827]

What about a voucher for a book shop? X

[JingleJangle951]

Hi OP. What did decide to do? How did the birthday child, birthday child's parents, your child, and you feel about this? It'd be lovely to hear.

[Yura]

4 books, but all duplicates of what we have. Toy cars, a small toy race track, star wars merchandise, transformer stuff. Typical boy's presents, he's not in the slightest interested (I doubt he knows what star wars and transformers are to be honest)

[InDubiousBattle]

What are the gifts? A pile of gifts in a room and not a single one has interested a 5 year old? There's not even a book they might like to read?

[Unktious]

Yura. That's how my boys were. They liked gifts from us but random gifts were of no interest to them.
However my girls liked presents more as they were into crafts and shiny crap.

[Yura]

This thread has been silent, but i wanted to report back from our no gifts please party: party was last saturday lunchtime, combine of 2 boys (one mine), and a girl. around 30 guests. Most people didn't bring presents, some did. Today (monday) all the presents are still in a heap in the lounge, unwrapped but unopened. No interest from my son whatsoever (the same is the case for at least one of the other children). All the cards are arranged all around his room, he read them all and loves them. In 2 weeks or so if he hasn't shown an interest i'll bring all the stuff to the charity shop (i would be extremely surprised if he would show an interest). He is just not into things! you can believe parents uf they make that judgment for their child's party. He asked for one (modest) thing (think £20), a cake and a party, he doesn't want more. we will writt thank you cards, but the gifts really are more of an inconvenience than a gift. so, please believe the parents!

[caringcarer]

Stick a tenner in his card. Maybe parents don't have room for lots of stuff.

[Heartworries]

I always give books now to cut down on all the plastic tat. I expect the parents bought loads of plastic tat and do not want any more. I appreciate kids LOVE plastuc tat, as did i growing up. But most parebts have been happily surprised with books that can be reused and shared with siblings easily and easy to store or pass on if unwanted

[Teacher22]

A book is a good present on such an occasion.

I do not know what the etiquette is on a ‘ no presents’ invitation as I have never seen one honoured. Everyone likes to bring a pressie. I was given a wedding invitation to a well off young couple who suggested a donation to a political cause with which I thoroughly disagree so I gave them a ton in John Lewis vouchers. I also went to a ‘ no presents’ ruby wedding and all the guests brought garden centre plants, trees and bushes.

I think the safest thing for a child’s party is a book as who can quarrel with something so worthwhile? If the child has no books then it will be the best thing he or she could ever be given.

[Abbylee]

It's unkind of the parents, I think. Surprisingly to me, my dc enjoyed getting gifts that sponsor a penguin or sea turtles, etc. It is a half way measure.

[CosyLulu]

The child may be allergic to presents so I wouldn’t.

[Leeds2]

I think a request for "no presents" means just that. Which includes books, cash, charity donations et al.
I would be really cross (but would hide it!) if I had requested no presents, and people turned up with them anyway.
My DD never had a no presents party, but I do understand the reasoning behind the request.

[sleepymouse]

If the parents have specified no presents it would be rude to bring one, they may just already have far too many toys and clutter, no room etc. I would hope the parents have explained their no presents stance to the child though, it could get confusing for the child when they see other kids getting gifts at other parties. I think you should pop a gift card in with the birthday card, then the child's parents can have some control over what they get.

[Midge75]

I asked for no presents two years in a row. My kids have plenty of toys and we were inviting the whole class - hardly any of whom would buy a present if there was no party, so I didn't want them to have to go to the trouble (it was early days of school so the parents wouldn't have known my kids very well yet). Anyway, clearly everyone felt awkward about it as they all turned up with presents! I wasn't cross - I understood they just felt weird turning up empty handed. So I would say you're fine to not buy anything, even if everyone else does - the parents might be glad that at least one person did what they requested - but if you feel too weird about it, just get something small.

[IamAporcupine]

I also do not understand why some PP say that they might take a book. Are books not presents? That is usually what I but for birthdays when I do buy a gift!

[Singadream]

I would give a gift but maybe something non toy like a book. Gift giving is as much about teaching your kids to give gifts as that kid to receive them.

[IamAporcupine]

But look, there's this thread, and on the same forum there are countless threads about CF who came for diner/ or worst a weekend and are being abused behind their back for not bringing a gift. Turning up empty handed for a simple diner brings MN in a fury.

But the OP situation is different - the parent clearly said 'no presents'

[ikeepaforkinmypurse]

I am guessing this is a UK thing as here there is a general tendency to not say what you really mean, or even worse, to say the opposite of what you mean confused.
It took me years to understand......

I still don't get it

But look, there's this thread, and on the same forum there are countless threads about CF who came for diner/ or worst a weekend and are being abused behind their back for not bringing a gift. Turning up empty handed for a simple diner brings MN in a fury.

It's a mine field!

I don't think my kids need any more than they have, but I find it just easier not to mention gifts at all. Guests do as they please without pressure and it makes life easier for everybody

[UrgentScurryfunge]

I'd love it if we dropped the culture of buying stuff for the sake of stuff.

I've got two DCs close in age and interest, one of which has a birthday within a week of Christmas. We are drowning in toys because their interests don't change much and they like simple classic toys like Lego and trainsets.

I feel ungrateful but I find that so many of the presents are a waste of the givers time and money and a waste of resources. I then feel guilty about being ungrateful and the toll on the environment. Abandoned items in good condition go to charity shops but a lot ends up in landfill because bits break or get lost. The DCs don't need the presents, they get enough joy from having a party (which is why we have them) and the company of their friends. Their memories of parties are about what they did, not the stuff that is given.

Giving money at least means the child can put it to something more meaningful. DS1 was able to buy a good size Lego set by new year which was much better than lots of little Lego kits that present no challenge.

I have never made any requests about presents, but I would love for the culture to change. So often these presents just create a burden, so unless you know someone is the type to play mind games, respect the request. If you really want to give something £5/ 10 in a card gives the child the joy of buying something they will love.

[IamAporcupine]

They have asked for no presents, therefore...do not take a present!

JingleJangle951
Yes, OP you are being unreasonable. 'No' means 'no'.
It's frustrating in the UK (is it just here?) that many people do not communicate their wishes clearly, so people try to guess what they really mean/want. Here's to a future where 'no' means 'no', 'yes' means 'yes' and we're confident and polite enough to express our wishes and respect those of others.

This!
I am guessing this is a UK thing as here there is a general tendency to not say what you really mean, or even worse, to say the opposite of what you mean .
It took me years to understand........

[midnightmisssuki]

we've just been invited to one - its fo a 5 year old and they're having it at a working farm - they have asked for donations to the farm.

If the invite says no presents - surely that is what is should mean?!

[yikesanotherbooboo]

In this case it would be bad manners to take a present as you have been asked by your hosts not to. If others take something because they have no respect for the parents that doesn't mean you should feel bad for not taking a present.
Having said that I find this type of request really annoying. Opening presents is part of the party and the excitement for the birthday child and giving presents is part of the enjoyment for the invitee. It is fine for tiny children not to get presents and I totally understand not buying 1st and 2nd birthday gifts for toddlers ( particularly my own) but I really think it is mean and actually a bit obnoxious to make these sort of requests on behalf of a school aged child.