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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bringing a present to a ‘No presents’ party

195 replies

FemaleDilbert · 19/03/2018 13:06

Have been invited to 5yo’s birthday party and the parents have said ‘no presents’. AIBU to bring a little present for the birthday child. They are 5 so old enough to have been to birthday parties and associate them with the birthday child receiving presents from the guests.

I just feel bad for the birthday child...or should I honour the parents wishes?

OP posts:
Yura · 20/03/2018 08:08

and if you are the only one who listens to the parents wishes - don't feel awkward. as a parent, i'm thankfull you respected my choices (and my child doesn't care)

bumub · 20/03/2018 11:56

This reply has been deleted

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waterrat · 20/03/2018 12:40

the problem is that the 'norm' is for a child to arrive at a party with a present - my 6 yr old would feel sad if he takes a gift to every party he goes to and thend oesn't get one himself. maybe that's shit but it's true!

We have cultural norms - taking a small gift to a party is a cultural norm.

I think it's unfair to ask a child to step outside those norms - you the adult can do so but leave your kid out of it.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/03/2018 12:52

It is sad, the presents are part of the fun of the party, my dcs have still got some of the presents they received from parties years ago, not all plastic tat, nice books, Hello Kitty pillow etc. I would respect that, and just pop a £5 -10 in an envelope or gift Amazon gift voucher in the card, so they can get something or put it towards something for their dc.

LovelyBranches · 20/03/2018 14:26

Yura, I think your comments are misguided. I’m not bringing my children up to expect gifts. My eldest is 3 and doesn’t expect anything. Even at Christmas he didn’t expect presents. However telling people that your child doesn’t want presents or shouldn’t expect them is wrong. It’s not your place to turn down a gift on behalf of someone else, even if you are their parent.

Also there’s a lot of snobbery about small gifts on this thread. My son’s favourite things to play with are his small die cast cars and they cost just over £1 each. I don’t get it myself but i’m not 3 and car obsessed. It’s not my place to tell him that he’s playing with tat

livingontheedgeee · 20/03/2018 14:38

You should definitely not take a present if that's what they have requested. If you are unsure then call and ask.

Curiousaboutchoices · 20/03/2018 14:38

Not rtft but we did no present parties until very recently and it was because the kids got plenty from us, family and close friends and, whilst we wanted them to have a celebration, we didn’t want that really OTT 20 presents situation which would fill our house with unnecessary stuff and, in our opinion, potentially contribute to a more consumerist approach to birthdays than we’d like our kids to have.

Most people honoured this before school and some brought a little bottle of bubbles or a picture or something very small instead which was great. After starting school it’s trickier but we put any presents out of sight immediately at the door so no one knew if anyone else had brought a gift and we took away 75 per cent of the presents immediately to regift or donate to charity shops/school fayres etc later. So it was pointless buying them other than to assuage unnecessary guilt.

I would honour their wishes. If in doubt, express that you are uncomfortable and ask if you could offer a teatime at yours in return? The family would not make this request lightly and will have got the child on board with it beforehand. Bringing a gift in direct opposition to their request is almost as rude as not bringing a gift in ordinary circumstances. Feel no guilt, you are doing what they have asked.

Curiousaboutchoices · 20/03/2018 14:47

I’ve read a bit more and to those who say it’s wrong or mean to ‘do this’ to a child, my kids saw it as the norm and not once expressed any kind of view on it either way. Kids are fab like that, provided you explain things to them and give reasoning and allow questions, they can totally deal with their circumstances being different from others. They understood that in many other ways they are incredibly fortunate. And it means they have learned to love parties and celebrations, not stuff, which was kind of the whole point.

Imsosceptical · 20/03/2018 15:16

OK, most of the kids at my daughters school like a present and why not? however, there are a few families who do say NO present, most parents abide by that rule, I do, but I just make sure I take a well thought out card and often a special balloon, its not hard to think of something else, a homemade cupcake covered in 'gawd knows what' if my DD does it!! BUT, most of the parents Ive met who say no pressies, mean it, for their own reasons, they graciously accept those who felt that just couldn't but they also love those who get creative xxx

Dieu · 20/03/2018 15:19

Oh, I will never understand the utter joylessness of this, but each to their own. it's still bloody odd though

Yura · 20/03/2018 17:01

@lovelybranches it is perfecy ok for your child to value and expect presents. would i be invited to your party, i would of course bring one and do my best to find something your child loves. It really, really doesn't matter that you didn't bring a present to my childs party, because thats what we wanted. MY child doesn't care for presents, and doesn't like most toys. so we ask for no presents. he wants a party, cake, cards. so that's what he gets. My example probably influenced him, but who knows. if he changes his opinion, we will do smaller parties, and the gift sitzation is under control again.

Trendy1 · 20/03/2018 17:26

Honestly, why is this even a question? You have been asked not to bring presents so unless you really want to piss off the parents, DO NOT bring presents. I would be very cross if you didn't honour this request. It is none of your business to get involved in the reasons why.

morningconstitutional2017 · 20/03/2018 17:27

I would honour the parents' request. I often say to ILs, 'let's just do cards, not presents for Christmas and birthdays' but do they listen? Sometimes, and it's a bit awkward when they don't, especially if I haven't got anything for them.

pollymere · 20/03/2018 17:46

I have a stash of gifts for times like this. Have it wrapped ready in the car, just in case, and do give a card. If genuinely no presents, it will do for another child's party (or an extra fc one for your own dc!)

redexpat · 20/03/2018 17:50

We tried a no present party for our joint 30th. One person bought no present and felt v awkward, but I LOVE her forever because of this. Others bought a hamper of beer (i dont drink beer) and loads of other token gifts that I then had to transport to the charity shop. Our house is small with almost no storage and I simply didnt have the mental or physical space for presents.

Ssarah39 · 20/03/2018 18:10

It maybe their subtle way to ask for money instead?

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 20/03/2018 18:22

My younger kids really wouldn't understand. They are fine with not getting anything themselves - because they do have so much already - but they wouldn't understand turning up somewhere empty handed.

It''s sad that home made gifts are looked at in disgust in this country, read the forum, people are offended or just plain nasty if a family member dares giving them home-made food or a gift. I would not give that to a friend, only close family members. My point is that it's a shame that you end up giving cash, or an expensive bottle to the parents, when a cheaper gift or some chocolates or a cake made by a child would have been nice

NotDoris · 20/03/2018 18:39

My boy is 6 and we’re starting to think about his 7th birthday party. He loves playing with his friends, days out, riding his bike, playing/watching sport.... but never plays with toys. In a way I’m dreading his party because I know he’ll end up with loads of “stuff” that I’ll give away, it’s just a waste of time and money. I’d much rather he had money to spend on something bigger or a day trip, but it’s too rude to ask, and it seems that ‘no present parties’ are frowned on. So I don’t really have an option but to say nothing, accept toys that people have brought, and give them away.

MsHarry · 20/03/2018 18:52

YABU.

mummyof3kids · 20/03/2018 19:14

You could ask parents if a magazine subscription or voucher for an activity is acceptable. there could be many reasons they have asked for no gifts, if you can find out their particular reason or may be a guide to what may be considered acceptable.

Icanttakemuchmore · 20/03/2018 19:16

They have stipulated no presents and I bet its because they don't want to to home loaded up with tat and nowhere to put it except the bin because let's face it, you can't buy a decent present unless you spend lots these days. So stick a tenner in a card, they haven't said no cards. Then if they've invited ten children, then that's £100 and this will buy something the child may actually want.

bsbabas · 20/03/2018 19:21

Just give him money

andalittlebitofpixiedust · 20/03/2018 19:22

I have thrown 'no present' parties for my kids. Virtuality everyone brings a gift regardless, but many are money or vouchers.

cheval · 20/03/2018 19:40

Slightly different but do remember years ago giving a child a present that was obviously worth far less than that contained in party bags to attendees. Oops. But I am the Grinch.

ThatItIs · 20/03/2018 19:53

My boy is 6 and we’re starting to think about his 7th birthday party. He loves playing with his friends, days out, riding his bike, playing/watching sport.... but never plays with toys

My boys were very much like this too. They loved their birthday parties but were totally nonplussed about any presents they would get. They were polite but didn’t care about them at all. They liked their presents that we gave them because we knew what they liked.