Bringing a present to a ‘No presents’ party

[FemaleDilbert]

Have been invited to 5yo’s birthday party and the parents have said ‘no presents’. AIBU to bring a little present for the birthday child. They are 5 so old enough to have been to birthday parties and associate them with the birthday child receiving presents from the guests.

I just feel bad for the birthday child...or should I honour the parents wishes?

[ikeepaforkinmypurse]

that's the problem, it's just too awkward.

You can either let guests spend a fiver (if they wish) and bring something that your kid will love to unwrap - feel free to have a massive sort-out later, and give the toys to a school for their summer fair for example.
or you can let your guests agonize about doing the right / wrong thing, second-guessing if they are expected to bring something or not, spending more money than they would have done on an Aldi colouring book or a pound shop car

just let your guests bring a gift if they want, so much nicer for everybody

[ikeepaforkinmypurse]

birthday child loves birthday tat, birthday guests love party bags tat, parents not so much, but it's once a year for your own child... let us buy him a gift!

Many parents even ask what kind of things your child is into, if they do you can always direct them toward non tat

[nottwins]

Why assume virtue signalling? Maybe they have piles of stuff already which the kid never plays with, and don't want people to have wasted expense or for it to go to landfill? Maybe they don't have space for it all? Maybe the kid doesn't like opening presents? Maybe they know some people can't afford it and wouldn't otherwise attend and don't want those people to feel awkward?

All these are reasons why I'd say 'no presents' - except responses like the above make me too scared of offending people.

My DC genuinely would not care if they got no presents. Others would. I'd assume the parent(s) know their own situation so it would be best to respect their wishes.

[FlyingMonkeys]

@ianrushes Yep, sponsorship would be lovely. Child would get pics and whatnot throughout the year. Far better than some one off tat to be forgotten about.

Another idea is MonkeyWorld, OP. It's a TV series about the monkey rescue centre. They have an online Amazon donation page for things they need; toys, food. Stuff ranges from like £5.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

If you want to give a token, perhaps give a chocolate lolly or something in the card along with the cash you would have spent on a present. You could say it may come in handy when she’s a big girl or to buy herself something nice.

[MacaroniPenguin]

Send a nice age specific card, maybe with a badge, or tuck a pack of football cards etc inside if the child's into them.

Also be sure to send a nice written thank you for the party afterwards - text or email is fine - and make sure your child is primed to be polite if there are no party bags.

[InDubiousBattle]

I'd take a book or one of those little orchard toy games.

[Maryann1975]

Put some cash in the card and don’t think any more about it. I often think about saying no presents, but have never been brave enough, partly becasue I don’t think it is fair to my child but partly because I don’t want the other parents to think I’m mean. But we have a houseful of tat, we don’t need any more painted pottery, jewlerry making kits or cheap toys that break within a week. If everyone gave the child £5 they could get themselves something bigger that they actually wanted -ds got a scooter with his birthday money from his friends last year, I hadn’t even mentioned to the parents but they all gave money- brilliant for ds as he got something he wanted.

[GrouchyKiwi]

We have requested no presents for our children's birthdays when they're small. They get so much stuff from their grandparents that they really don't need anything else and our house gets cluttered. They don't play with most of their toys.

I think it's a bit harder at age 5, but maybe the child in question isn't that interested in presents.

[Trooperslane2]

I have this dilemma right now, though the parents have asked for a donation to a cause close to their hearts, so I'm happy doing this.

though I desperately want to take a book at least

[VikingBlonde]

a plant might be a good option too, I know both my kids like a little venus flytrap or small pot of daffs to look at, or a small bunch of flowers is a gorgeous gift... won't contribute to tat mountain but is a gesture

[londonista]

You should probably bring a card. If it was a good friend of my son's I'd bring a present to the house, not the party.
Otherwise I'd do as the parents requested, especially if it's a large party.

I had a huge party for my son's 6th bday, as he'd had a difficult year. 40 kids in local leisure centre. The amount of presents was obscene, he stopped opening after a bit and i skimmed some off for charity, as it was just before xmas.

[Agustarella]

I did once take a present to a 'no present' party because I thought (correctly) that everyone else would bring one! It would have been smarter to have left it in my bag so it could have been produced or not, depending on what seemed appropriate. Vouchers would be practical, being small and easily hidden, plus re-giftable if necessary.

Ugh. I hate these kind of social mixed messages. It's like those fancy dress parties where nobody actually bothers with the fancy dress, leaving the sole fancy dresser feeling like a prat. Yes, I have been that person.

[kubex]

Ffs. The invite says no presents. What is so bloody hard to understand??

DO NOT TAKE A PRESENT!

The child in question probably has far too many toys as it is and the parents don't want any more plastic crap!

A lovely party with friends and a birthday cake is more than enough. A child doesn't need to have a mountain of presents to enjoy a birthday.

[Titaniumpins]

I hate that because in my experience people buy a present anyway and you risk being the only one. It won't be the hosts that comment though but probably the other mums. I end up alway getting a present regardless. If you know the other mums you could suggest donating to a childrens charity.

[homeworkinghubbard]

We say this on the DCs' invitations, for the reasons stated by @nottwins - don't want to put pressure on families who can't afford it, don't want extra stuff in house, don't want wasteful presents that are just landfill. (Yes, it's only once a year, but that's once a year for every child that ever has a party. That's a LOT of tat in the bins.)

Also, we're not talking presentless Harry Potter territory here. With parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, family friends and godparents, my DCs have 20-30 presents per birthday already. Add in a class party and that would be sixty gifts, at least half of which aren't chosen by the giver, and are totally unnecessary/unwanted. Totally mad. The DCs generally just want to play with their friends at a party, open a card, and eat cake, and couldn't give a monkeys about the presents. With the number of parties most kids generally go to, I'd so love to get us all out of this nervous habit.

And if the invitation says "No presents", why on earth would you be embarrassed that other guests ignored it? That's not your problem!

[londonista]

Can I ask a general question? What's the prevailing view of 'no present' parties? Are they annoying/worthy?

Was thinking of having one for my son's bday. It's so close to xmas, it's just all too much, and he gets so much from close friends and family.

I ask because I recently went to a wedding where they said no presents and quite a few people were genuinely annoyed!

[ikeepaforkinmypurse]

I hate "no present parties". It's awkward, and a mixed message.

You don't know if parents really meant it, or just tried to sound cool but have a present table all set up.
You wouldn't turn up for diner empty handed, so it does feel wrong not to bring anything to a birthday party
It;s a complete waste of time to agonise over bringing something or not!

What's the solution? not bringing a toy for the child, but bring some flowers or a bottle for the parents? It ends up costing a lot more than a book for the child.

If your kids have too many toys, lucky them, feel free to give some away to a hospital if they are wiped clean, to a school, to a charity, or regift them to the next party. Hide half and take them out next time you are stuck home because of the weather or to occupy them when you are ill yourself.

[HolyGoats]

I did this for ds’s last party, he was 5 too. I didn’t realise it was virtue signalling . We just did want ds to have any more presents! He has a big family who all insist on buying him things, was a whole class party and he really didn’t need 30 presents! Ds is also autistic, doesn’t really play with anyone but was insistent that he wanted a party. I thought adding a no present clause might maximise chances of people coming. No one turned up a with a present although a few people put stickers sheets or tattoo transfers in the cards, it was fine.

[lifetothefull]

I'm sure it's not on there at the child's request. I'd take a present. Preferably something fun that doesn't hang around once it's been used. Eg gelli baff, helium balloon, flower seeds for the garden, cup cake kit.

[Svalberg]

A family that I know has a "1 in, 1 out" policy for toys*, so if wanting something, the child has to make the decision which existing toy has to go - and usually decides that they don't want the new item! I don't know if they do this with birthday party presents...

*it's a lack of space issue

[giggidy1]

I would do as pp suggested, buy a gift and keep it in the car. If you spot presents then you can pretend you forgot to bring it in.

[HolyGoats]

I did because I’d just watched Blue Planet and was feeling awful about plastic waste . It wasn’t ds’s decision but he is easily overwhelmed and I also wanted to make things as comfortable as possible for him.

[Hoppinggreen]

Are they of Asian Heritage?
I remember getting an invite like that when DD was about 5, luckily I was standing next to a friend who also had Indian Heritage when we opened the invite and advised me I should totally ignore it
Glad I took her advice or we would have been the only ones not to have taken a present
Other than that, if they don’t want presents then don’t take one

[Titaniumpins]

@londonista I find it annoying as people generally ignore it. I wish we could all just believe the party host and not bring anything but a card. Its not just childrens partys, adult partys and weddings.