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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I have to give a reason why I don't want sex?

87 replies

ineedsleepasap · 18/03/2018 22:25

DP says it's "perfectly fine for me to not want sex every night and is quite happy to cuddle" but seems to expect some kind of explanation as to why I don't want to have sex with him. If I just get into bed, cuddle up and fall asleep without explanation (this is very rare) he feels rejected and says it reminds him of his ex-wife. Sometimes I fall asleep quickly because I'm relaxed and really, really tired as am a single mum to 3 kids and am very physically active as don't drive so walk several miles a day. He comes over once the kids are in bed (and spends two weekends a month with me at my house), watches shite on tv then says "right bedtime!" about 2 hours later than when I go to bed normally so I'm already ready for sleep by then. I don't feel I should have to explain if I don't want sex. We do have sex most nights but if for whatever reason I don't fancy it because I'm tired, unwell, stressed or just not in the mood for no particular reason then he gets in a silent strop and starts stressing I'm like his EW if I don't explain why. AIBU to not want to explain every time?

OP posts:

RedPandaMama · 18/03/2018 22:29

You should never have to give a reason. If you hadn't had sex in six months? Yeah, he'd be reasonable to bring it up and ask if everything is okay.

Not wanting sex sometimes is perfectly normal. If he tries to initiate something, you say 'sorry I'm a bit tired tonight' then he tries to make you feel bad and emotionally manipulate you into it: that is abuse. Why would you want to have sex with someone who isn't in the mood?

UpstartCrow · 18/03/2018 22:31

Yanbu, he certainly is.

MissionItsPossible · 18/03/2018 22:32

You don’t have to have a reason to have sex nor should anyone force you to give one

crashbangwhallop · 18/03/2018 22:34

You don’t need a reason not to have sex every night at all. Not many people do ime. Feeling like you have to give an excuse or should want to have sex all the time has put me off in the past. I used to go months and months without because it was too much pressure.

LimonViola · 18/03/2018 22:38

No, you don't need to give a reason.

That sounds odd to me that sex every single night would be the assumed default, and no sex is a deviation. In most relationships i reckon it's more the opposite. Majority of nights you don't have sex so it's just normal, not needed to be explained.

Seems a bit fishy to me he's trying to set it up so you feel sex is expected from you every night.

I get that he's shared his reasoning re ex wife but you're not his ex wife and another partner leaving him feeling rejected doesn't mean he gets to work through that using you.

I wouldn't pander to it. I'd initiate when I wanted it and accept his initiation when I wanted it and if he got weird or huffy be pretty up front in saying 'are you aware you're making me feel like I should feel guilty for not wanting sex or telling you exactly why?' or I'd make it very boring for him to get his answer by shrugging each time with a 'just don't fancy it' and going back to my book!

Pastaforlunch · 18/03/2018 22:39

YANBU. "We do have sex most nights"...fuck that, who has the energy ?! What explanation could you give other than you're tired/just don't fancy it anyway ?! Plus tell him to stop comparing you to his ex wife, that'd piss me right off/turn me off!!

Allthewaves · 18/03/2018 22:40

I'm tired and it's 2 hours dater my bedtime. If you want sex it needs to be wayyyyy earlier

Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2018 22:41

I think you should be very wary of a man who compares you to his ex, never mind the fact that he prayers you for a "reason" as to why you don't want to have sex. Is he daft?? You're TIRED. And you are NOT his bloody ex wife. I would send this controlling twat packing. You can do much better.

Pinkvoid · 18/03/2018 22:43

I sort of get where he’s coming from to an extent. I’ve been rejected for sex a couple of times by a previous partner and it made me feel like absolute shite. I genuinely felt unattractive and deflated. That wasn’t a live-in partner though so I wasn’t expecting it every night...

Once you’re in a serious relationship it isn’t all about humping like bunnies so of course it won’t happen every night and no, you don’t need an excuse. I would be worried if my DP refused sex for a week straight though, unless he were ill.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/03/2018 22:44

Awful behaviour on his part.

twattymctwatterson · 18/03/2018 22:47

I don't like the sound of this guy op

coconuttella · 18/03/2018 22:48

We do have sex most nights but if for whatever reason I don't fancy it because I'm tired, unwell, stressed or just not in the mood for no particular reason then he gets in a silent strop and starts stressing I'm like his EW if I don't explain why.

If he’s like this early on, which I presume it is as he’s popping over in the evenings and you’re generally having sex nightly, that’s not a good sign, even less that he’s then making unflattering comparisons with his EW!

LimonViola · 18/03/2018 22:51

I’ve been rejected for sex a couple of times by a previous partner and it made me feel like absolute shite. I genuinely felt unattractive and deflated.

Really? Just a couple of rejections made you feel that bad? Do you have some underlying low self esteem issues or relevant history or something?

coconuttella · 18/03/2018 22:52

I’ve been rejected for sex a couple of times by a previous partner and it made me feel like absolute shite.

ffs, if a man said this they’d be told to get a grip... so your partner didn’t happen to want sex when you did - on two occasions.

Original poster

ineedsleepasap · 18/03/2018 22:55

We've been seeing each other 10 months. He lives an hour away and has shared custody of his kids so we are limited as to when we can see each other in the evenings. He usually comes over one evening on his kids free weeks. I'm not keen on more as I barely sleep as he snores so badly I can hear him on another floor even wearing earplugs and I'm usually the one who ends up sleeping on the floor downstairs. Which he complains about but complains even more if he has to sleep downstairs even though he's only done it a handful of times and I am down there most nights he's here. Which I think is really unreasonable!

OP posts:

LemonMuffin837 · 18/03/2018 23:04

Reminds you of his ex wife? What a prick.

Duckeggbluetin · 18/03/2018 23:05

He's coming over for a booty call basically. I would get rid he should be behaving much better than this in these early days.

LimonViola · 18/03/2018 23:07

He usually comes over one evening on his kids free weeks. I'm not keen on more as I barely sleep as he snores so badly I can hear him on another floor even wearing earplugs and I'm usually the one who ends up sleeping on the floor downstairs. Which he complains about but complains even more if he has to sleep downstairs even though he's only done it a handful of times and I am down there most nights he's here. Which I think is really unreasonable!

Ten months in? Such early days :/ does this relationship even have a future when you can't sleep in the same part of the house?

Lethaldrizzle · 18/03/2018 23:09

You have sex most nights! I'm impressed

TheBrilliantMistake · 18/03/2018 23:10

You shouldn't have to explain anything. In most cases it's pretty self explanatory anyway - you're tired, or just not in the mood.

Sure, if there's a long term issue, it's reasonable to ask the question and try to understand what the problem is, or if there is anything he can do differently (and vice versa), but if you're having pretty regular sex anyway, there's clearly no issue.

Maybe he's got insecurity issues and those need to be discussed (in the cold light of day, not when he's asking for sex). You not wanting sex isn't a rejection of him (which he might think it is). It won't do any harm to explain that to him, but you should have to keep explaining that (if you have already).

Prestonsflowers · 18/03/2018 23:11

What is it about him that keeps you interested?
He pesters you for sex, sulks when you don’t want to have sex, you end up sleeping on the floor when he stays with you. He compares you to his EW, who, as she is his ex obviously didn’t suit him.
OP, what do you get from this relationship?

Prestonsflowers · 18/03/2018 23:12

Cross posted with loads!!

lottiegarbanzo · 18/03/2018 23:13

Of course you don't have to give a reason.

He doesn't sounds ready for a new relationship - referencing his ex all the time.

Why are you staying up 2 hours past your normal bedtime? Aren't you exhausted by this? Why not say to him 'my usual going to bed to sleep time is X. If you want to catch me awake, you'll need to come up to bed before then!'

He doesn't sound like good news, from what you've posted.

Firesuit · 18/03/2018 23:19

People are picking up on the sex every night bit, but I think missing that's out of maybe 2 days a week that he sleeps over. So I think "every night" means something like 2 days a week.

If I drove an hour away to see someone two days a week I'd be disappointed if I didn't get any action. (But it's not their fault if they're not in the mood, and they don't need a reason.)

Maybe try telling him he might get lucky more often if he didn't keep you up two hours past your bed-time?

AdoraBell · 18/03/2018 23:20

So he waltzes into your home, takes over the TV - in your home -then tells you - in your home - that it’s time for bed.

Fuck that.

And no, you don’t have to explain why you don’t want sex. But in your shoes I would be explaining, briefly, why I don’t want to see him again.

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