Do I have to give a reason why I don't want sex?

[ineedsleepasap]

DP says it's "perfectly fine for me to not want sex every night and is quite happy to cuddle" but seems to expect some kind of explanation as to why I don't want to have sex with him. If I just get into bed, cuddle up and fall asleep without explanation (this is very rare) he feels rejected and says it reminds him of his ex-wife. Sometimes I fall asleep quickly because I'm relaxed and really, really tired as am a single mum to 3 kids and am very physically active as don't drive so walk several miles a day. He comes over once the kids are in bed (and spends two weekends a month with me at my house), watches shite on tv then says "right bedtime!" about 2 hours later than when I go to bed normally so I'm already ready for sleep by then. I don't feel I should have to explain if I don't want sex. We do have sex most nights but if for whatever reason I don't fancy it because I'm tired, unwell, stressed or just not in the mood for no particular reason then he gets in a silent strop and starts stressing I'm like his EW if I don't explain why. AIBU to not want to explain every time?

The snoring sounds awful. Mentioning his ex sounds like unhealthy projection. You don't owe him explanations.

He usually comes over once on his kids free weeks
So we're not talking sex every night but not being interested in sex twice a month? Are you sure you fancy him?

Not sure why you are with him - he sounds awful. No going out - just comes over and expects sex?

I kinda understand why he's bothered, though he's going about showing it the wrong way.

I only see my DP on the weekends at the moment and we have sex everyday he's here. If he rejected me after not seeing me all week I would feel pretty rubbish.

So two weekends, plus 2 weekday nights each month?

Your OP sounded rather different.

Even so, you don't have to explain yourself but, I'm more surprised that you're both staying up late watching tv. If either of you was all that interested in sex you'd be moving bedwards earlier.

It's your house. Why does he get to choose what you watch on TV and what time you go to bed? You're a surrendered wife without even being married. The sex issue is not the only issue in this relationship.

People are picking up on the sex every night bit, but I think missing that's out of maybe 2 days a week that he sleeps over. So I think "every night" means something like 2 days a week.

Yes that confused me too.

I was wondering how you can have sex every night with someone who's not there every night?

I think he sounds needy and controlling. Why would you put up with this sort of behaviour from any man, I don't know.

I'd hand him a tissue, a tablet with Pornhub playing and nudge him towards the spare room whilst telling him "that's what little boys do, you can have a relationship when you become a man."

I may be way off the mark here wine but are sure you’re not unknowingly the ‘other woman’? The whole situation sounds weird, but 🍷

If he comes over after kids gone to bed, watch shite tv then expects sex - do you really want to be with him? No offence but hardly sounds romance of the century. I'd rather be in my own.

And you are with this man? Why? I would run a mile.

I don't understand what you want from this relationship and he probably doesn't either.

I'm Female, I'd expect sex, if I was him. I wouldn't see the point in having a boyfriend (that's what he is, not Partner), but not have sex. It's usual to meet someone new, fancy them and want sex. I'd wonder why you don't.

I've been a LP to three children, I still wanted an active sex life, i still do, at 50.

Why have you started seeing him? My ex frequently used to want to watch a film, or shite telly, but I far as I was concerned he could do that on his own time. We were dating, that means we do mutually agreeable stuff and have a good sex life. Dating should be fun.

You aren't having fun, it sounds as though you aren't compatible. I'd wonder if you are ready for a relationship and i'd end it, tbh.

I would be so irritated by him. You are not just a hole! His comments about his ex would have me saying that you and she do have something in common. When he asks what answer that he is an ex to you both.

He's using his ex wife to try to manipulate you into competing, he wants you to react by always agreeing to sex to prove you're better than her.

Its pure manipulation. Do not fall for it.
Break up with him.

Hes not coming off very well in this op, there's two possible reasons, 1 you are leaving out the good stuff 2 there is no good stuff.

I'm guessing it's 2.

I don’t understand how this is a relationship that you are happy with. What else does he do for you apart from sulk about sex, sit and watch your tv, snore loudly so you end up on the floor of your own home! He gets upset that you are being like his ex wife but it sounds like you’re getting a small sample of why his ex wife is actually his ex. He sounds lazy and selfish and boring. You deserve better than this.

I had understood from the initial post that you were having sex daily except on the odd occasion that you didn’t feel like it, and he was being difficult about that....

But now it seems as though he comes round once every other week when the kids are in bed and watches crap tv before expecting sex, and also comes over every other weekend. To be honest this barely seems like a relationship, let alone a partnership as is implied by calling him your DP.

Of course you have the right only to have sex when you want and not to be interrogated over the reasons, and he does seem to be acting like a dick especially with references to this ex. However, I can see why he’s frustrated! He’s seeing you every other week or so, and when he does there’s quite often no sex, and your not communicative about why... I’d be frustrated with that... most people would.

I’m really not sure what you’re both getting out if this... He drives an hour to see you to watch crap TV and then be pressured to sleep on the sofa after perhaps getting sex. You get kept up well beyond your normal bedtime to watch crap and then pressurised for sex when you just wish you were asleep, and then you can’t sleep because he snores so loudly...

Ah sorry, I should have explained better. When I said every night, I meant every night we are together. And on those nights we often have sex twice. I think there's only a handful of times I've not been in the mood. We usually spend full weekends together from Friday night to Sunday night or sometimes Monday morning. And then his kid free weeks he comes over one night a week but depends on work. I used DP for ease, I refer to his as a bf but he says we are partners. Seems immaterial though.
Thank you for your comments especially about him being controlling. I often wonder why his ex left him and he said she was controlling and sulked.
He does have lots of good points but to be honest just lately he has become boring and sulky and mr negative.

It sounds like he’s there for one thing. I wouldn’t really call this a relationship, it sounds more like an arrangement for him. Sorry.

Rumpled if I've ever suggested that he's been really annoyed and offended but that's the way it seems during the week. On the weekends we do loads and go away for short breaks or for day trips. He'll happily go anywhere I want to go (because he's too lazy to organise things himself but that's a whole other AIBU).
I tend to go to bed at 8 once all the kids are in bed which is ridiculously early I know but I need to be in bed by then otherwise I feel like shit in the morning. I can't expect him to go to bed as soon as he gets here so stay up. But then it's 2 hours of sex and I'm knackered and stiff from sleeping on the floor come morning.
Think he might have to go.

OP, you're flogging a dead horse.

Print out a load of tick charts providing concise reasons for rejecting sex, ie. Period, too much jack russelling and nerding, irreversibly not in the mood, pissed off etc. Complete the chart and leave it on his bedside table before settling down for the night.

He'll happily go anywhere I want to go (because he's too lazy to organise things himself but that's a whole other AIBU).

This is very telling. Really, he's just in it for the shagging and tolerates all the other stuff.

Granny 😂

Ah ok. Even if I enjoyed his company in the day the sex thing and guilting you by saying you’re like his ex would probably be enough of a deal breaker for me. I think I’d start to feel a bit on edge every time I saw him that if I rejected advances there was going to be a row. Also late night plus 2 hours of sex , when you have 3 kids to get up with?!
No way. You can have perfectly satisfying sex in a lot less time that that imo.

Purple I'm not sure he "tolerates" the other stuff. He takes us on holiday, takes my kids to school on the rare occasion he can, always offers to help with whatever I might need help with. It's usually him who initiates getting together during the week. Im reluctant for him to stay over because of the snoring.I have told him I want to go out on more dates but they don't seem to be happening and yes I am bored.
I do have a lot of interest in sex, it's very rare that I don't want it but my question was to do with having to provide a reason. He made it sound very reasonable that he needed to know why. "As long as you tell me what you're thinking that's fine (otherwise I'll worry that our relationship is falling apart)." Ffs I'm not necessarily thinking anything and just want sleep!