Do I have to give a reason why I don't want sex?

[ineedsleepasap]

DP says it's "perfectly fine for me to not want sex every night and is quite happy to cuddle" but seems to expect some kind of explanation as to why I don't want to have sex with him. If I just get into bed, cuddle up and fall asleep without explanation (this is very rare) he feels rejected and says it reminds him of his ex-wife. Sometimes I fall asleep quickly because I'm relaxed and really, really tired as am a single mum to 3 kids and am very physically active as don't drive so walk several miles a day. He comes over once the kids are in bed (and spends two weekends a month with me at my house), watches shite on tv then says "right bedtime!" about 2 hours later than when I go to bed normally so I'm already ready for sleep by then. I don't feel I should have to explain if I don't want sex. We do have sex most nights but if for whatever reason I don't fancy it because I'm tired, unwell, stressed or just not in the mood for no particular reason then he gets in a silent strop and starts stressing I'm like his EW if I don't explain why. AIBU to not want to explain every time?

Rumple He's on medication that means he takes forever to climax if at all. He's very insecure in bed. Always asking me if I'm enjoying it, like about 5 times per session. Drives me crazy. He says it's the best sex he's ever had

Of course you don't have to give a reason every time you don't want sex. He is being a tool.

Did you say you sleep on the floor?

Pen most nights I end up downstairs after sex as his snoring is so bad. I feel bad waking him up to get him to go downstairs and he's been so grumpy about having to do it in the past that it's only if I've been desperate for a decent sleep that I wake him. I wouldn't mind so much but he has 26 weeks a year kid free so gets loads of undisturbed nights and lie ins! I always have my LO as she doesn't see her dad at all as he's not interested in her. Hence why I'm so tired as don't get any respite and don't drive so walk everywhere which amounts to 45 miles a week.

So he snores his head off in your bed and you sleep on the floor after a two hour sex-a-thon?

Get rid of him!

Oh OP. Really, you can do so so much better!

Think I agree- better men out there

Purple and Pen Yep that about sums it up.

If he's on meds and insecure, then you should be more considerate in my opinion. And offer some re-assurance that you really like him but I too tired/not in the mood so you could just have a cuddle.

And calling him lazy? He's the one who seems to travel 1h each way to see you every single time.

But either way, it seems that everything about him pisses you off and you can't really seem to think of anything positive to say about him so you'd be better off not together.

I can see where he's coming from tbh - 10 months in, you only see each maybe 6 days a month and you're not having sex on all of those days.

Sex is important to some people - I know sex less than 6 times per month wouldn't be enough for me.

JoJo I'm always paying him compliments and trying to raise his self esteem but that's not my responsibility.
Its not that I don't want to have sex, more that I'm just bloody knackered on week nights. I feel sad if we don't as know it might be a whole before we are together again but I'm not making myself do it just to keep him happy. And I don't think I should have to essentially prove I'm not like his ex wife to avoid a sulk.
Whoever it was who said about him coming to mine- I don't drive, have no childcare and he's more than happy to come to me in his kid free weeks. I've never asked him to, he suggests it.

He may just be failing to look at things from your pov, re never having a night off from the dcs. That in itself is quite telling.

He sounds quite needy and manipulative though - perhaps casually so but all the same - presumptuous use of 'DP', comparing you to his ex (ugh), grumpiness if asked to take his turn on the floor. All designed to get his feet under the table and you where he wants you.

The crucial thing would be if he changes behaviour when challenged in discussion. That would depend on whether he's not just able but wants to empathise with your point of view though.

@lottiegarbanzo he does t respond well to any discussions because any issues I have are deemed criticisms and that makes me "just like her" Any issues I have are me being ridiculous and he denies anything and everything or says it's not an issue and I'm overreacting.

Well urgh and double-urgh. That is your reason to dump him. You can't be partners with someone you can't discuss things with.

Right, so you're expected to respond to his questions, because as long as you can discuss things your relationship is in good shape, but when you want to discuss something, that makes you his ex-wife? And no one who behaves like his ex wife can ever possibly be reasonable, because she was a psycho? Yes?

Going back to the original OP - of course you don't have to give a reason, but personally I'd have thought it would be good to help both parties understand each other better "I don't want to have sex because I'm tired - when we're together we go to bed much later than I do usually and tbh I don't enjoy staying up watching crap TV".

Having read the later posts though it would seem that he's a knob (or at the very least you're not suited) so maybe not worth bothering with communication..

@Pengggwn he never called her a psycho but she was "weird, manipulative, sulked if she didn't get her own way"

This all sounds like hard work. I'm sure it's not supposed to be like that 10 months in!

OP it’s not usually the controlling person who leaves. I would not believe that his ex left because she is the controlling one. Leaving cuts off the control and very few people who want to control a person would give up that control voluntarily.

Yes, sorry, OP: I suppose I was referencing an ex-wife trope - they're all weird, manipulatively etc., especially when the man comes up against something he doesn't want to discuss!

he never called her a psycho but she was "weird, manipulative, sulked if she didn't get her own way"

A bit like him then really

I really appreciate everyone's comments here which have given me some things to think about, opened my eyes a bit and made me realise how shitty this makes me feel. Thanks!

Honestly, this is awful! You sleep on the floor in your own house while he occupies your bed and snores so loudly you can hear him from downstairs? And all those things he says... Well, you're keeping him off the dating market, OP - lots of women will be grateful for that!

Well, I guess the only thing to do is dump him. I can see after reading these comments that he is very manipulative and I'm not putting up with a control freak for a boyfriend.

Good decision