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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he's hiding something or just being a complete b@stard

133 replies

allthestars · 18/03/2018 18:40

Sorry this is long as don't want to drip feed, things have not been good with my husband and I for a while. I love him so, so much and really feel/felt like he was my soulmate but over the last 6 months or so things have really changed. He's become distant, we hardly speak, sex is almost non-existent and we can't go more than a few days without arguing about things - we can't seem to communicate properly.

I'm not suggesting it's all his fault, my work has been ridiculous, I've been working every hour god sends and am also pretty short tempered so know I'm not the easiest to live with.

We had a massive row last month and it ended up with me moving him out for a week because I just felt like we needed some space. We sorted things out and I came back and things have been ok, not brilliant but much better than they were.

This afternoon he's upstairs on his laptop, I go up to give him a cuddle and an email flashes up in the corner all I can see is the name of who it's from and it says "sounds like you need to get your head sorted. If I was next to you in bed..."
That's all I could see because it was the preview pane and as soon as I said that's weird who is xxx he slammed the email shut and told me to go away. Cue the last hour of me asking to see the email and him saying no. To the point he's put the laptop under his pillow and took it into the bathroom with him when he went to the loo!! He says it's spam and I've said I'm sure it is but in that case why can't he show it to me. He says he shouldn't have to and I've tried to explain it's his reaction that is weird - if it's spam then just show it to me.

To be clear I've never asked to see his messages/emails etc before and I wouldn't have even thought to if I hadn't seen that flash up. He says I'm behaving like a mad woman and should just trust him.

Am I mad? What the heck do I do now? AIBU to think that's not normal behaviour?

OP posts:
Wetwashing00 · 19/03/2018 13:06

It’s obvious he’s been caught red-handed.
Been through this years ago...he would rather leave than show me the messages. Then told everyone I had chucked him out because I’m paranoid and mental.
Guess who ended up in a new relationship with the woman sending him texts? Yeah... but they got together after we broke up so that confirms he wasn’t cheating.
What utter shite, get some space from him and have a think.
Maybe some an appointment at relate could save your marriage if you both really want to save it.

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/03/2018 13:23

He’s an utter dickhead. How can he stand there refusing to show you the message and calling you mad??

‘Going round in circles’ the patronising little shit, it’s not a circle it’s a question he refuses to answer.

‘Show me the message then’

‘No’

‘Why not?’

because there is no answer - the only reason not to show you is because it contains something he doesn’t want you to see, ergo he is guilty.

Backscratchesforever · 19/03/2018 13:24

Can you get on to the desktop of the laptop?
You could install a keylogger?

ilovekitkats · 19/03/2018 13:51

Trust your instincts. The very first email I saw between XH and OW had me questioning their "friendship". I found further emails and thousands of texts. He denied all, deleted all. He left.

He is married to her now.

If your H has done nothing wrong, he would show you the emails, then have a go at you for not trusting him. By the very fact that he won't show you, after what you saw, means that he very much has something to hide. My XH wouldn't let me near his phone once he was communicating with OW.

category12 · 19/03/2018 16:10

My cheating ex once threatened to throw his phone out of the car window rather than show me what was on it. Hmm

GreenVoyage · 19/03/2018 18:25

Hope you're ok OP and packed his bags or chucked his things out the window Flowers

givemesteel · 20/03/2018 07:20

I'm sorry OP, it's a lot to have to take in and accept.

Unfortunately he would rather move out than explain himself or show you the email.

I would be calling in sick at work and packing his bags whilst he's at work.

I think he needs to know that you'll start divorce proceedings unless he can tell you the truth about his affair (who she is, how long it's been going on, physical /emotional). Only you can judge whether to believe him.

You do, unfortunately, need to accept that there is no other explanation for his behaviour and it is an affair, and act accordingly.

I'm sorry OP, I've been through fertility problems as well and it can tear relationships apart. But it doesn't excuse this.

Henrysmycat · 20/03/2018 08:46

OP, you say you love him but he shows he doesn’t. Why waste yourself and your life for someone who doesn’t reciprocate. Words are cheap, actions matter.
Think about it. Don’t settle for anything else. We’ve all been there, one way or another. Don’t waste your life.

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