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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he's hiding something or just being a complete b@stard

133 replies

allthestars · 18/03/2018 18:40

Sorry this is long as don't want to drip feed, things have not been good with my husband and I for a while. I love him so, so much and really feel/felt like he was my soulmate but over the last 6 months or so things have really changed. He's become distant, we hardly speak, sex is almost non-existent and we can't go more than a few days without arguing about things - we can't seem to communicate properly.

I'm not suggesting it's all his fault, my work has been ridiculous, I've been working every hour god sends and am also pretty short tempered so know I'm not the easiest to live with.

We had a massive row last month and it ended up with me moving him out for a week because I just felt like we needed some space. We sorted things out and I came back and things have been ok, not brilliant but much better than they were.

This afternoon he's upstairs on his laptop, I go up to give him a cuddle and an email flashes up in the corner all I can see is the name of who it's from and it says "sounds like you need to get your head sorted. If I was next to you in bed..."
That's all I could see because it was the preview pane and as soon as I said that's weird who is xxx he slammed the email shut and told me to go away. Cue the last hour of me asking to see the email and him saying no. To the point he's put the laptop under his pillow and took it into the bathroom with him when he went to the loo!! He says it's spam and I've said I'm sure it is but in that case why can't he show it to me. He says he shouldn't have to and I've tried to explain it's his reaction that is weird - if it's spam then just show it to me.

To be clear I've never asked to see his messages/emails etc before and I wouldn't have even thought to if I hadn't seen that flash up. He says I'm behaving like a mad woman and should just trust him.

Am I mad? What the heck do I do now? AIBU to think that's not normal behaviour?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 18/03/2018 19:36

Google the name and the name of his company.

Has he mentioned anyone new (not by name) recently, e.g. an annoying or impressive new workmate? Or a place he likes going for work?

When you try to phone him, does it go straight to voicemail recently?

Do you know or can you guess the password to his email account?

My ex started his affair very shortly after a bereavement, within weeks. That kind of event can make you rethink your life. My ex also changed his sleeping habits so as to get more "me" time with his mobile. The messages I and our daughter saw were a joke I didn't understand/our daughter lying.

www.news24.com/MoveMag/Archive/7-warning-signs-that-your-man-might-be-having-an-affair-20170728
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-Crisis-a-guide-how-to-hurt-people

Nounicornshere · 18/03/2018 19:37

Would YOU take your computer into the loo, OP? If so....why?

Would you put it under your pillow? If so....why?

CherryMaDeary · 18/03/2018 19:39

Don't fool yourself into thinking it's anything other than what it is. You would just be postponing thr inevitable.

ravenmum · 18/03/2018 19:40

Agree with category on the timeline.

NotMyNameButHereForever · 18/03/2018 19:45

Sweetie, I know it's hard but he's very definitely having an affair. End of.

And now he's treating you like a piece of (stupid) shit.

Neither of the above are edifying but both are 100% accurate.

Please, please, PLEASE don't fall for his BS &/or if/when he tells you his watered down version of the truth do the 'pick me dance'.

Appreciate you're in shock but right now is when you need to muster your rage and your self-respect. As in, right now.

Sending {{{hugs}}}

rothbury · 18/03/2018 19:58

Do you have DC? Do you own your home?

He is obviously having an affair, so sorry Flowers

Allaboutwork · 18/03/2018 20:06

Very very odd that he won't show you!!

AskBasil · 18/03/2018 20:09

He's very clearly having an affair.

Sorry.

Flowers
seventh · 18/03/2018 20:17

He may not have DTD but he's thinking about it. And talking about it.

More to the point he is treating you like an idiot. And looking like a prize twat himself. Laptop under the pillow? - fuck me, how old is he???

Pack his bag. Kick him out. Tell him you need 2 weeks to think about what you need. And about what he's done to your marriage.

notapizzaeater · 18/03/2018 20:25

He's trying damage limitation ....

bonnyshide · 18/03/2018 20:31

Computer to the loo?

Cheating 100%

Birdshitbridgegotme · 18/03/2018 20:43

Really does sound like he's having a emotional affair at the least. That's why he's off to bed so early

Pinkvoid · 18/03/2018 20:47

You’re naive if you believe that is spam. My DP and I get a lot of dodgy spam emails from ‘sexy Russian babes’ but they’re not as personal as what you said that one said... you caught him red handed.

BoobleMcB · 18/03/2018 20:49

I'll put my house in the email(s) no longer being there. You know the answer, sorry OP.

thiskittenbarks · 18/03/2018 20:51

Oh that's not good. Poor you ThanksWine
EA at the least. Taking laptop to the loo is ridiculous. If you know the password I'd wait till he's asleep and then I'd go through the laptop, the phone, everything (this I because I'm weak and I know I'd take him back when the "she meant nothing" comes pouring in and I would NEED to know the exact extent of the goings on - so I could call him out when he lies - which of course he will).
Of course you'd probably be better to just kick him out - but I'd want all the details personally.

Dangerousmonkey · 18/03/2018 20:52

Yeah. He's a liar and a cheat.

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/03/2018 20:54

Even if he isn't cheating (and it sounds like he is or planning on it). Life is too short and precious to waste on someone like that.

Snowysky20009 · 18/03/2018 20:57

He's cheating. You won't find the message because he's deleted it and emptied his recycling bin.
He's going to bed early because I he's texting someone else.
It's time to split. And if you don't believe he is then you are a fool.

Thebluedog · 18/03/2018 20:58

He’s been busted, he’s panicking and buying time until he can think of a plausible excuse.

It’s either he shows you the email or he leaves. Even if it was spam (never in a million years), he should be eliviating your fears and showing you, not using some bullshit excuse that he shouldn’t have to show you because you should trust him.

Even before you mentioned the email his behaviour screams affair

MrsMaxwell · 18/03/2018 21:01

Before we married my now husband had an affair, he took his phone to the loo etc.

We have worked things out and since married (I know it’s not a popular life choice here Grin) but I always know the code to his phone etc - which is a lasting legacy of breaking trust.

All the signs were there for me too I was just totally oblivious to them Sad.

I am so sorry OP if this is what has happened to you it is a horrible thing to go through but please do not see it as a reflection on who you are as a person and partner.

It’s him who has done a shitty thing to you not because of you Flowers

Chattymummyhere · 18/03/2018 21:01

His at least emotionally cheating to Ben getting emails like that. My EX notice ex used to say he would say nice things because X was feeling down. He wasn’t he was opening up for an actual sexual relationship. I kicked him to the curb and had many an ex of his texting/fb’ing me asking for Info because they cannont trust him. His not Held down a long term relationship since I kicked him to the curb because his a cheating dick.

Kittycuddles · 18/03/2018 21:08

Hi! Fwiw my Ex partner would not like me looking at his messages at all. He didn't want to share any info about his private life or his mates. Bear in mind we lived in the same house before I moved out after I came to my senses. He didn't cheat on me As far as I know but did want to keep an eye on my phone. He liked to check my messages but not vice versa. X

LexieLulu · 18/03/2018 21:37

How horrible. You've caught him that's why you can't see it. Dump his ass!

allthestars · 18/03/2018 21:54

I've made him sleep downstairs. He's still adamant it was spam but when I broke down crying he said he's sorry he's made me feel like this and he loves me. Again I asked to see the message and he said he'd deleted them all - I told him I'm not an idiot. He kept saying he was sorry that he'd made me feel like that an affair was even a possibility and he loves me. But laptop is still hidden somewhere.

I don't want my marriage to be over, I love him so much despite the last 6 months being so hard. I feel like I've been hit in the chest, literally don't know what to do. Even if he isn't having an affair it's all gone to sh1t now hasn't it because the fact that I could even consider it as a possibility shows what state our marriage is in.

OP posts:
allthestars · 18/03/2018 21:57

Oh and no children, we've had infertility issues for the last 4 years. Next step is IVF but we decided to put it on hold for a year (actually more me).

OP posts:
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