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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he's hiding something or just being a complete b@stard

133 replies

allthestars · 18/03/2018 18:40

Sorry this is long as don't want to drip feed, things have not been good with my husband and I for a while. I love him so, so much and really feel/felt like he was my soulmate but over the last 6 months or so things have really changed. He's become distant, we hardly speak, sex is almost non-existent and we can't go more than a few days without arguing about things - we can't seem to communicate properly.

I'm not suggesting it's all his fault, my work has been ridiculous, I've been working every hour god sends and am also pretty short tempered so know I'm not the easiest to live with.

We had a massive row last month and it ended up with me moving him out for a week because I just felt like we needed some space. We sorted things out and I came back and things have been ok, not brilliant but much better than they were.

This afternoon he's upstairs on his laptop, I go up to give him a cuddle and an email flashes up in the corner all I can see is the name of who it's from and it says "sounds like you need to get your head sorted. If I was next to you in bed..."
That's all I could see because it was the preview pane and as soon as I said that's weird who is xxx he slammed the email shut and told me to go away. Cue the last hour of me asking to see the email and him saying no. To the point he's put the laptop under his pillow and took it into the bathroom with him when he went to the loo!! He says it's spam and I've said I'm sure it is but in that case why can't he show it to me. He says he shouldn't have to and I've tried to explain it's his reaction that is weird - if it's spam then just show it to me.

To be clear I've never asked to see his messages/emails etc before and I wouldn't have even thought to if I hadn't seen that flash up. He says I'm behaving like a mad woman and should just trust him.

Am I mad? What the heck do I do now? AIBU to think that's not normal behaviour?

OP posts:
seventh · 18/03/2018 22:00

It's shitty atm and you need time to think. Time to talk it through and get your head together.

Don't rush into anything and don't roll over and play the understand-me game he wants you to play.

This is about you and what's right for you. You don't need to rush and make any decisions but you do need to take steps to understand what you're worth and whether he can give that to you xx

seventh · 18/03/2018 22:02

Maybe see relate ( on your own?)

Talk to a close friend?

See your doctor?

You're under a lot of pressure and you need to concentrate on you 💕

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2018 22:03

Op. You know if it was spam he'd have shown you and avoided all this don't you?

I'm sorry, but yes I would say there is another woman, he's involved with someone else and yes it likely started six months ago.

💐

keepingbees · 18/03/2018 22:13

Sorry but I think you know the truth. Ask him if you can look at his laptop if he's nothing to hide. Emails might still be in a deleted items folder.
Really sorry, you must feel all over the place. Stay strong and give yourself time.

tolerable · 18/03/2018 22:23

sweetheart-go with youre gut.everytime.evidence is for everyone else to chew over.plug laptop in and drench his pillow(if stuck)sorry x

greenlanes · 18/03/2018 22:28

I, like every other pp on here, am saying sorry to you Flowers. Either an emotional or sexual affair. I dont think it really matters - the emotional betrayal for me was actually worse than the pretty much inevitable sexual affair. What really pissed me off was things werent great, be an adult, own it, deal with it. Dont lie, cheat, pretend, fake etc.

But dont let him gaslight you. He's sorry? Liar - he is sorry for being caught out.

LimonViola · 18/03/2018 22:33

God what a knob.

He's selfish for having an affair in the first place (and there is ZERO chance he isn't having an emotional affair at the very least, possibly physical).

But his actions now? They're cruel. He's choosing to put you through hell and doubt and questioning and that gnawing sense of not knowing as you mean less to him than him not getting caught betraying you.

He's literally treating you like shit on his shoe, insulting your intelligence, keeping you on edge and lie, lie, lie after lie spouts from his mouth.

Whoever that email is from it'd be over for me. If it was possibly an emotional affair only or very recent or he came clean then maybe there'd be a chance it's salvageable. But the way he's acting? It's over. I'm so sorry. You'll never be able to move on from this when you don't even have the dignity of knowing what it is you'd be trying to move on from.

What a spineless nasty little prick.

Mumontherocks1 · 18/03/2018 22:35

Just say one word to him - solicitor. That might make him stop treating you like you were born yesterday. You don't have to do anything drastic yet but just shift a bit of power back your way until you get the truth out of him. I'm very sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself.

Snowysky20009 · 18/03/2018 22:42

You know deep down he is being unfaithful, but you are trying to grab any ounce of him not, and believing that. Wake up and smell the coffee. God job you found out now being going for ivf.

DrCoconut · 18/03/2018 22:54

This is a carbon copy of the situation with my STBXH. Even with the evidence in his face he denied it. And eventually after admitting it and promising never to do it again, he did do it again. The only question you now have to ask is how long you will put up with it. Is it worth trying again? Three strikes and you're out? Only you know that. If you issue any ultimatums they have to be doable because the odds are he will test you to see if you're serious. STBXH never thought I'd actually divorce him.

ugghhreally · 18/03/2018 23:11

I'm sorry you're going through this. If it was me I'd think actions speak louder than words (him still hiding laptop and having deleted messages), And that talk (saying sorry) is cheap. If it was entirely innocent he wouldn't have had anything to hide, or push you to the point of breaking down. Regardless of whether he is or he isn't please don't blame yourself. From what you described, situation was unusual and his response, whether genuine or not was not normal and frankly suspicious.

crashbangwhallop · 18/03/2018 23:21

He’s hiding it from you for a reason OP. Please don’t let him waste any more of your time and love

Myneighboursnorlax · 18/03/2018 23:28

You say he told you he deleted “them all”? That’s a weird thing to say if it was just one spam message ...

halfwitpicker · 18/03/2018 23:35

So he's admitted guilt?

CircleSquareCircleSquare · 18/03/2018 23:39

He thinks you’re a fool.
Ask him to let you know if you need an STI test.

MrsMaxwell · 18/03/2018 23:43

I would just go and have an STI test anyway - you might find your answer there Sad

Greyponcho · 18/03/2018 23:48

“I love her like a sister” was EXDPs response to me finding a text to his coworker (OW) saying “I love you too”. Hmm
He only let his phone out of his hand for a millisecond while he was spewing his excess alcohol up

Gemini69 · 19/03/2018 00:01

my Spams never that affectionate with me... Hmm

he's totally BUSTED .. sorry lady Flowers

SmileyBird · 19/03/2018 00:48

Why would he need to delete them all if they were just spam?

ohfourfoxache · 19/03/2018 00:54

I’m so sorry, but you know what the answer is Sad

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/03/2018 01:09

Sweetheart you know what you saw and you know there’s no other explanation for that and his subsequent refusal to show you.

He is having an affair - emotional or physical.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 19/03/2018 01:42

OP, get thee hence to chumplady.com STAT!

NorthEndGal · 19/03/2018 02:22

It's easy to retrieve deleted messages.
He is hiding them, and he is being dishonest.
I'm so sorryFlowers

Psychobabble123 · 19/03/2018 05:40

As PP said, if it really was innocent he would show you the messages, not gaslight you and hide the laptop Sad So sorry this is happening to you Flowers

Els1e · 19/03/2018 06:24

What a horrible situation for you. What about Relate? They might be able to help.

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