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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he's hiding something or just being a complete b@stard

133 replies

allthestars · 18/03/2018 18:40

Sorry this is long as don't want to drip feed, things have not been good with my husband and I for a while. I love him so, so much and really feel/felt like he was my soulmate but over the last 6 months or so things have really changed. He's become distant, we hardly speak, sex is almost non-existent and we can't go more than a few days without arguing about things - we can't seem to communicate properly.

I'm not suggesting it's all his fault, my work has been ridiculous, I've been working every hour god sends and am also pretty short tempered so know I'm not the easiest to live with.

We had a massive row last month and it ended up with me moving him out for a week because I just felt like we needed some space. We sorted things out and I came back and things have been ok, not brilliant but much better than they were.

This afternoon he's upstairs on his laptop, I go up to give him a cuddle and an email flashes up in the corner all I can see is the name of who it's from and it says "sounds like you need to get your head sorted. If I was next to you in bed..."
That's all I could see because it was the preview pane and as soon as I said that's weird who is xxx he slammed the email shut and told me to go away. Cue the last hour of me asking to see the email and him saying no. To the point he's put the laptop under his pillow and took it into the bathroom with him when he went to the loo!! He says it's spam and I've said I'm sure it is but in that case why can't he show it to me. He says he shouldn't have to and I've tried to explain it's his reaction that is weird - if it's spam then just show it to me.

To be clear I've never asked to see his messages/emails etc before and I wouldn't have even thought to if I hadn't seen that flash up. He says I'm behaving like a mad woman and should just trust him.

Am I mad? What the heck do I do now? AIBU to think that's not normal behaviour?

OP posts:
Nottheduchessofcambridge · 18/03/2018 18:57

I think you know what the conversation is going to lead to. Maybe the months of arguments and non sex is going to make sense now.

MiniCooperLover · 18/03/2018 18:57

I'm sorry OP but he's clearly been caught out. His behaviour change too shows that.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 18/03/2018 19:00

Spam my fucking arse, he clearly thinks you came down with the last fucking shower Hmm
Personally I'd show him the door & ensure he left through it with all his stuff.

0ccamsRazor · 18/03/2018 19:01

You don't need him to show you anything Op, you KNOW what you saw.

Time for him to fuck off

I am so sorry Flowers

Sullabylullaby · 18/03/2018 19:02

It probably is that he is just talking to someone else. You two need to sit down and chat about what's wrong/right for both of ye. I don't think he has cheated or he wouldn't be so indignant. I do think he is getting a listening ear elsewhere. A listening ear can be very appealing. You need to talk.

ugghhreally · 18/03/2018 19:04

If he had a plausible and innocent explanation it would have been immediately forthcoming. His reaction is questionable and frankly disrespectful to you. You deserve better.

SmileyBird · 18/03/2018 19:05

Of course he’s cheated.

expatinscotland · 18/03/2018 19:06

I'd say you've rumbled him.

AverageSnowflake · 18/03/2018 19:06

An innocent man would show you the message. Don't let him twist things, OP.

Tell him to do one.

SomeKnobend · 18/03/2018 19:07

I thought he was cheating form the behaviour you described even before I got to the point you caught him red handed. He won't show you that email because obviously it proves his cheating, he's got nothing to gain from it, he'd rather try to gaslight you then even if it doesn't work because you have a brain and you saw what you saw, then at least he doesn't have to admit any wrongdoing, he can just deny and minimise.

He's clearly a cheat and liar OP and you've caught him. I'd be chucking his shit out ASAP.

Angrybird123 · 18/03/2018 19:09

*I don't think he's cheated or he wouldn't be so indignant'
Oh dear..sorry but no. Many many people cheat and deny it even when the evidence I 110% there.

TheHeartOfTeFiti · 18/03/2018 19:10

He shows you the email or goes, end of. If he shows you it then your next move is up to you and whether you can try again

TheJoyOfSox · 18/03/2018 19:10

Time to make it official dear. Go see a solicitor, you need to start your divorce because he is cheating on you.

Big hugs to you, it’s not going to be fun for a while, but you will be better off in the future. 💐Gin

Tistheseason17 · 18/03/2018 19:11

He needs to be honest with you. Nothing more annoying than that sick feeling in your gut when you suspect someone you care about is lying. Sorry Flowers

KurriKurri · 18/03/2018 19:15

In my situation it went like this
September : I go up to put my arms round him while he is using his laptop. he slams it shut and says 'why are you spying on me you weirdo'
October: I wake up to find a letter on the doorstep saying he's run off with another woman he's been having an online affair with for ove six months.

He's having an affair - either actual or emotional. But now you know you can make your plans for how you want things to be. Dont let him gaslight you, you call the shots, you make the decisions that suit you. He knows he's been caught out so he's trying to turn it on you - he's a pathetic coward.

ilovekitkats · 18/03/2018 19:18

Sorry OP, agree that you have caught him red handed. There may not be anything physical going on, but his emails have crossed the line for sure.

However, bearing in mind he has been distant for several months, I think you know now why.

I agree with what you are doing, either he shows you or he goes anyway.

LongWalkShortPlank · 18/03/2018 19:20

There's no good way for him to come out of this. Either he shows you the email and you know he cheated, or he deletes the email and you know he cheated or he has her send another email similar but innocent and you know he cheated. Keep note of the time you saw it so you know for sure. But everyone else has given you good advice already. I'm sorry lovely.

Rudgie47 · 18/03/2018 19:23

You need to ring a solicitor tommorrow and tell your husband your making arrangements to split. Dont listen to any BS hes cheating on you.

bimbobaggins · 18/03/2018 19:24

The change in his behaviour over the last 6 months would be enough for me to suspect he was cheating, the email would be the confirmation.
If he had nothing to hide he would show you

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/03/2018 19:25

I’m so sorry, it’s a really, really horrible thing to deal with. I wish I’d had MN at the time, but I didn’t, so I did the ‘pick me’ dance big time. He finally admitted it & I tried for a couple of years to ‘get past it’. But I couldn’t. Trying to get past it was FAR more soul destroying than his affair and I would never put myself through that again.

Do yourself a massive favour. Resist the urge to need further proof, accept what you already know. Tell him that you will be filing for divorce and that you want him to do the decent thing and leave now and that you’ll sort the house out via solicitors. Unless of course you rent, then I’d move out myself, fresh start.

I really am sorry, it’s a pain I’d only wish on my worst enemy.

Lovemusic33 · 18/03/2018 19:26

You caught him read handed, there’s no other explanation for what you just saw and he knows it. If it was spam then he would happily show you his lap top, the fact he has hidden it and took the laptop with him proves he has something to hide.

PlasticWatch · 18/03/2018 19:27

Yes defo been busted. Hope you're ok.

skippykips · 18/03/2018 19:29

He put the laptop under his pillow and to the bathroom.
I am so sorry OP. I know you know that the email wasn't spam!
Im so sorry.

LokiBear · 18/03/2018 19:30

My husband had a very short emotional affair. Texting a girl at work. He was blatent about the texting because they were 'really good friends' and when I challenged the frequency of their messages he was so indignant. How dare I? He had NEVER so much as even looked at another woman! So he can't have female friends now? After everything we'd been through, did I actually think he was that much of an arsrhole? (I'd had a miscarriage at 13 weeks three months before). Turned out that a work friendship turned into attraction and became flirty. One night, whilst I was on a rare night out, texts turned sexual (Because he'd been drinking, obviously!!!) Then they talked at work about what it all meant - was there something there? Probably not but still it was hard to keep away from each other...... that was on my birthday. They decided theyd make a hortible couple but kept texting as 'friends'. I called him out on it and after much denial he realised he couldn't get out of it and admitted everything. Nothing physical had happened- it all started and was over within about two weeks. I kicked him out for a while but I was pregnant. We worked through it but I made him pay for relate. Our marriage is better now but I will never totally forgive him. When I write it down and read it back I could kick him out all over again. Go with your gut, op. You deserve the truth, even if you ultimately choose to stay.

category12 · 18/03/2018 19:34

I'd say about 6 months ago he met OW.

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