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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To anyone wanting to leave and being told "and you will be entitled to child support"

108 replies

Njordsgrrrl · 17/03/2018 23:03

Get this letter.

You will have noticed (I did two weeks ago) that your payment of £7 ( a fortnight) has not been received by us.

This is what will happen now.

You will not receive this payment.

I'm going to adopt this approach to all my financial dealings.

"Dear British Gas, you will have noticed no payment has come in.

What will happen now?

You will not receive this payment.

It's a good enough excuse for the CSA who have collected about £90 in eighteen years.

Doing it.

OP posts:
MissTeri · 18/03/2018 00:09

My ex has never paid. Despite the fact it's an insulting £5 a week or less. This is because he went on to have other children.

I got a letter last week about a Liability Order so theoretically they can now, as I understand it, send him to prison, remove his driving license and/or send bailiffs around. If he gets sent to prison the debt won't be removed, he'll still owe it. I'm not hopeful of recieving it. Funnily enough he manages to find thousands of pounds to keep up with his coke habit.

Yellow - People change. My ex had a steady job (over ten years in the same place) when we got together. He 'seemed' kind, caring, sweet, loving - my failing is that I didn't identify that him being 'too good to be true' was indeed too good to be true. I always thought I'd never fall for an arsehole, I'd spot them a mile off ... turned out that he was a controlling psychopath (and I don't use the term psychopath lightly). I do wish I had your ability to see into the future, maybe then I would have made a better 'choice' as to the father of my child.

Thehogfather · 18/03/2018 00:12

really Grin

Nah, no need to change the law. The poverty that is often a side effect makes lps a lovely scapegoat for the media.

LolitaLempicka · 18/03/2018 00:14

Why is everyone attacking yellow, she is speaking some sense, it is the NRP fault for not paying. And it is really important for women to not be financially dependent on their partners.

Thehogfather · 18/03/2018 00:16

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Original poster
Njordsgrrrl · 18/03/2018 00:17

This'll make you laugh

I've been out of the workplace ten years, breastfeeding for three, co sleeping for four, teaching my autistic DS to read, FIGHTING every step of the way researching, getting a DX at TWO (almost unheard of ) and still doing everything possible to help.

Getting people from the LEA coming mob handed to insist he goes to mainstream because he'd get so many hours of support

The trouble is, I'd BEEN a teacher and i saw how that "worked"

It doesn't. So special school eventually.

DLA forms (horrible)

Mclaren Major.

Nappies for a ten year old needing to be organised

School nurse about his size.

AND I HAVE LOST HIM TO MY EX

Who didn't pay a penny for the whole year I was coping alone

And he's now claiming child support from me.

It's abuse.

OP posts:
MissTeri · 18/03/2018 00:17

And it is really important for women to not be financially dependent on their partners - I'm not financially dependent on my ex and neither is my child, that does not absolve him from his responsibilities as a parent though!!

LolitaLempicka · 18/03/2018 00:21

You are absolutely right MissTeri, but these boards are full of women who are financially dependent and that is not a good position to be in. of course it does not stop the non-payers being absolute tossers though.
Aw hogfather you were able to get out then.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/03/2018 00:26

What the fuck has someone being financially dependant on their partner got to do with an ex not financially supporting their child.

PrincessLeia80 · 18/03/2018 00:27

I think it's a case of the CSA is unfit for purpose I have a friend who is supposed to have his children 3 nights a week. He is unable due to no home he earns about £1500 a month the CSA takes £800 a month of which his ex claims she's never received a penny. He recently appealed as he had no bills his payments were increased. The payments are taken directly from his wage yet as his ex claims she doesn't receive by money the CSA have told him that he is £28k plus interest in arrears after 3 years seperated

HerSymphonyAndSong · 18/03/2018 00:28

But these are not women who are financially dependent on men Confused

Because the men aren’t paying. So the women are, by definition, not financially dependent on them. They have to have another source of funds

They just want the men to make the bare minimum contribution towards supporting the children they have fathered

It’s not anything to do with being financially dependent on men when you are talking about such small amounts of money as to be more or less symbolic

Original poster
Njordsgrrrl · 18/03/2018 00:34

sorry I should have made it clear the CSA letter was about my older child.

Her father owes something like £3k in arrears.

He had a big inheritance last year, half a house in Dorset.

Did we see a penny?

"no that is not considered income for maintenance purposes"

You couldn't make it up.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/03/2018 00:35

What?

How on earth did you lose him to your ex?

I always say not to count on getting CM, to treat it as a bonus if you do get it because so many don’t and you need to be able to cope without it. It’s wrong, but it’s reality, sadly.

MyKingdomForBrie · 18/03/2018 00:36

princessleia he’s either lying or he’s just utterly incompetent. He could very easily demonstrate that money going to the CSA, which would be incontrovertible.

That would be if it is in any way possibly true that they have been taking over 50% of his take home wage (which it isn’t by the way).

PrincessLeia80 · 18/03/2018 00:41

MyKingdomForBrie I was sceptical but I've seen the evidence. If he's lying so is his employer and his bank.

Minestheoneinthegreen · 18/03/2018 00:43

Lolita I'm not financially dependent on anyone. I don't NEED the ex to pay towards his child for us to live, I do it all myself with zero from him. Why should he get away with being able to pay nothing? He wants to see her and be in her life, I can't stop that. She needs new shoes, school uniform, a roof over her head, all me. Why should s fuckwit who decides he doesn't want me get away with punishing his child?

AskBasil · 18/03/2018 00:45

Jesus all these cunts who say women shouldn't be dependent on men.

What you are actually saying, is that children shouldn't be dependent on their fathers.

Because of course, expecting fathers to be responsible for their children, is utterly unreasonable in patriarchy.

NellMangel · 18/03/2018 00:47

I've not bothered with CMS. I feel like it'll just stir up ex's petty anger without much gain. He pays something approx 7/12 months. If it was an organisation with teeth I'd be more inclined to pursue.

I realise I'm lucky to have that choice.

I'm sorry about your younger son being separated from you x

Thehogfather · 18/03/2018 00:51

lolita yeah, I only came in to feed one it appears. Very original and exactly the level of wit I expected.

It isn't about financial dependency. if we were actually debating whether it's ok to just not pay tax or n.i., would anyone say central government shouldn't be dependent on it in the first place, so shouldn't bother pursuing it? On a personal need level I'll happily keep my tax etc and pay for the rare occasion I need healthcare etc. But that just isn't how the system works, you don't get to abscond moral and legal dues. Unless of course it's cm

HelenaDove · 18/03/2018 00:57

Lolita Id buy that if she wasnt also on the "crap jobs" thread saying its only ok to have a "Mcjob" if the job is COMPLETELY self supporting meaning no claiming of working tax credit.

Im COMPLETELY sure that when she is in old age and needs her arse wiped by a care worker she will stick to her principles and refuse unless the care workers wage is completely self supporting.

Birdsgottafly · 18/03/2018 02:52

It's like being in a time warp. I had friends in the 80's who were LP and it was impossible to get maintenance awarded (so having a female PM wasn't of any use). It was thought that the changes that made it easier for a unmarried Man to get PR, could include the responsibility of maintaining the child, as is written into Children's Law, but it never did.

Now we have reliable DNA testing (which was always one of the nonpaying reasons given) there is no reason why NRP shouldn't be made to support their children. The "be picky who you have children with" works both ways, or rather should, so Men are held as equally responsible. There isn't any excuse for abandoning your children and I think that, like criminal offences, they should effect the persons employment etc.

Mamabear14 · 18/03/2018 06:53

My EXH has worked out how to avoid paying with no consequences. He refuses to pay, they set up a deduction of earnings. As they take 11 weeks I'm told to set up by that time he's left his job. Then they have to find him again and start the process all over again.
They won't grant a liability order while he is in employment and they can't stop him job hopping. I am owed literally thousands over the nine years since we have split. He hasn't seen him in those 9 years either.

GrannyGrissle · 18/03/2018 07:06

They are useless fuckers. Not worth wasting your time chasing up. The staff at the CSA or whatever it's called now are utterly incompetent and lie/make up names for themselves so you can't follow up/report them.
DDs father claims to earn £70 a week so DD is entitles to the princely sum of £7 p/w. And HMRC BELIEVE he earns that little Hmm Women really do count for nothing in the UK.

MrsDeathOfRats · 18/03/2018 07:09

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VioletCharlotte · 18/03/2018 07:17

I've had a similar letter OP. I've not had a penny in maintenance in 14 years, gave up on the useless CSA (as they were known at the time) over 10 years ago. Then, out the blue, I receive a letter from the CMS saying they've not collected a payment this month!?

They're absolutely hopeless.

IanRushesInadequateFlushes · 18/03/2018 07:18

Urgh, that's so shit.

To give the same story of shit from a decent father's perspective, they are also useless and unfit for purpose. My uncle paid every single month after his wife ran off with the bloke next door and took his son with her. He also sent extra money from time to time and of course Christmas/birthday presents etc. She never took his son to see him, but took the cash every single month, and was constantly on at the CSA to make him up the amount. She didn't work and never had, despite the child being about 9 by this point.

My uncle was not remotely a high earner, and was seriously depressed by the whole thing, as you would be. He couldn't believe that she was able to get more help from the CSA in those circumstances when he was told that all he could do was to spend more money that he didn't have left over in going to court. It's almost like they want to go for the the soft easy targets...!

In the end my cousin started going round by himself when he was about 15, but the years in the middle fucked up their relationship and now they're pretty much just on Christmas card terms Sad Sad

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