Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

Totally agree TSSDNC, but it if to some kids having a mobile is one element of that and helps them feel comfortable then I think fair enough. It doesn't mean that child is going to be some neurotic freak, especially if they use it sensibly which it sounds like ops Dd does.

I have said I am being unreasonable to think the mum should of warned me and dd that she was going take away the thing I have specifically told her dd likes to have to feel comoftable on sleepover or ask that dd be allowed to keep it.
DD wont be going on sleepovers there again, she will still go on sleepovers with her other friends because she is allowed to keep her phone in her bag and that is enough to reassure her.
I dont care if you think she shouldnt be anxious and want to be able to contact us, she does, I wish she didnt but she does, thats not her fault. If she was alive 50 years ago then she wouldnt be able to go on sleepovers yet at all but luckily mobile phones exist so she can.
What if god forbid the parent was abusive or doing something inappropriate, do think dd would just ask them to call me to tell me about it? I actually find the whole I am going to take your phone that only has your parents contacts and no social media, games etc off you so you are unable to contact them a bit worrying.

OP YANBU - it would be reasonable for the parent to take her phone so that it wasn't in the bedroom as that is their house rule but it should have been put in an accessable communal space so she could get it if she needed, which her bedroom is not.

I remember being 10 and sleeping over at my best friends houses all the time and -even though I knew all of their parents well - I was still shy about asking adults directly for something.

I also remember some miserable sleep overs having woken with a nightmare/just a bit homesick/felt a bit unwell usually down to too many sweets etc so I just wanted my mum but had to stick it out because I didn't feel I had any other choice. I was too scared that I'd seem rude if I asked to go home; or that my friends would make fun of me for being a baby who had to go home early; or that I was scared to cause a fuss by waking my friends parents at 1am; or that my friend was fast asleep and I didn't know her house well enough to find her parents' room in the dark even if I wanted to wake them for some reason. If I'd have had my own phone in those situations and so could call my parents I'm pretty sure 90% of them wouldn't have happened as sometimes all I needed was the reassurance of hearing their voice.

My DD 9 has a mobile phone - it is not a smart phone, it is a basic PAYG handset that has phone and text functions only. She only has it because her dad and I share custody 50/50 and it means she can contact either of us at any time, even when she is with the other parent. So when she's with her dad I will often get goodnight text messages and she does the same to her dad when she's at my house.

If she went to a sleepover I would have no issue with the friends parent not wanting her to have the phone on her all the time but I would expect them to keep it somewhere that DD could access it if she needed/wanted.

DD has in the past been to a sleepover where she felt quite anxious as she realised she had forgotten to pack her stuffed bear that she always sleeps with but didn't want to seem like a baby if I turned up with it ... Because she could call me I then called the friends parent and explained the situation. We then arranged for me to drop the bear off and the parent agreed she'd slip the bear into the bedroom when the kids were busy and just quietly let DD know it was there so it was done with minimal fuss but my DD had a great night at her friend's because she knew the issue was resolved. If she didn't have her phone she would have been anxious all evening about the impending teddy-less bedtime, would not have slept properly and would have been awful the following day through tiredness because she would not have had the confidence to ask to call home, especially if the friends parent had asked why (even in a genuine concerned way).

Nobody struggles without a mobile phone while in bed at night mustnotlook and people who think their child and child's friends are different and will never be tempted to misuse a phone on a sleepover are naive.

Children of ten are subject to sensible adult rules, they are not adults. It would be inappropriate to tell an adult guest when to brush their teeth and get ready for bed, or when to stop reading and turn the lights off, but obviously it is absolutely appropriate to tell a 10 year old guest what to do in this context.

Their house, their rules. We do the same. All the guidance says you shouldn't have mobiles in bedrooms at night.

What do you think my child is going to be doing on her phone?
Prank calling her grandparents?

I don’t think you or your dd sound grown up enough for sleepovers tbh. What an attitude.

Well we will go round and round in circles but I’m so surprised that so many don’t understand kids just like to be able to reach out to their parents. It doesn’t mean they aren’t ready for independence, it’s just normal to me.

It is undermining to other adults who are in charge, if children can decide there is something they are worried about and go directly back to the parent, without the adult in charge knowing anything Bout it or having a chance to sort things out.

Children often aren't the best judges of things. They can decide there is an issue when there isn't, or a quick word from another child can create an over-reaction. The adult who is in charge is reposnsilbe for mediating and ensuring smooth running. I would be be horrified as a host to see parents turning up to take children home, over a mis reported incident or partially reported incident, which I knew nothing about.

I maintain, that children who cannot deal with the adult hosts are simply too young to be on sleepovers. There is nothing wrong in waiting until they are ready. The whole point is to be away from home and parents......but if you're not ready to do that but need to speak to parents about every little thing that is happening, the you're not ready.

I can see that some children might arrange a designated good night call or something similar, but the idea of being blue to freely and frequently chat with parent and voice concerns (which parents are pretty much inviting and asking for) just seems to make a mockery of sleepovers.

Children are either ready for a bit of independence or they are not.

Wakemeupbefore, well said.

When one of my DC was about 11, he had a friend at our house for a sleepover. I took the friend's phone (DS didn't have one at that age, but he did have a Nintendo DS, and I always took that overnight). DS's friend started panicking because he "needed" his phone in case he had to ring his mum. I told him that if he needed to ring her, he could come and let me know. He survived.

"How did we all cope as kids on sleepovers in the days before mobile phones??"

I don't remember sleepovers being such a thing as they seem to be now when I was a child. But as I said, I spent a week in the Lakes when I was 10, a week in Scotland when I was 11, and a week in France at 14 on an exchange. All hundreds of miles away from my parents, and not a mobile phone in sight, but with responsible adults whose duty it was to keep us safe and whom we could speak to if we had a problem. Added to that, I regularly spent hours either riding around on my bike, or taking a book to the woods and meadows near my house, and sitting there all afternoon reading, with no phone. How did I cope, indeed!

I don't think this is a good place to get sensible discussion on this issue OP, but I'm sure you have worked that out already.

Loves it’s s case of where does the reliance stop/start isn’t it.

Perhaps the arrangement should be no phones, but they are in [this place] but ask before you use them after x time. But I do think it’s fair theyre removed from temptations way to avoid their misuse, which I’d bet is s whole lot more common than nut job hosts.

And I’m still not convinced by this prevalence for sleepovers for -10 year olds at homes where the parents don’t trust the hosts. Are people really going to the aid of DD’s at 3am because the hosts are having a barney?

The OP doesn't want sensible discussion, she wants justification that she is right. 90% posters disagree and she still thinks she is right.

clarrylove Would you also accept house rules allowing phones?

Last summer I was exhausted after a hard day at work and feeling really just quite sad and down. We’d had a horrible case, it was stuffy, there was a traffic jam and so on.

I sent a random text to my DD just because I wanted to connect with the person I have the strongest bond with. We’ve always done it and i have a few friends who we never shut up to one another via text/WhatsApp.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a mummy message and I’m 37!

What if god forbid the parent was abusive or doing something inappropriate, do think dd would just ask them to call me to tell me about it?

If you actually think this is a remotely realistic scenario, as opposed to a ‘what if she’s kidnapped out the window and can’t text me’ scenario, then she shouldn’t be going there for a sleepover.

Defensive much!

On many school residentials, mobiles are either not allowed at all, or are allowed for a short 30 minute slot in the day for making calls. This is usually trips for Yr 5 or 6.

Schools make these rules because they have seen the problems generated otherwise. Parents need to either accept these rules and send their kids or not send their kids if they cannot cope with the idea of their kid not having 24 hour access to them.

This is a similar thing. I actually think it is often the parents and not the kids who are stopping the apron strings being cut even slightly. This stuff about who knows what might happen in someone else's home and a child needing to be able to report stuff or be collected instantly is just excessive and unhelpful fear and concern. Quite simply, only let your child go to sleep somewhere where you know the people and they know the people. Only let them go if they are mature enough to communicate with the adults about concerns and are likely to get through the night, and accept that if you are happy with all that, having a night without communication is fine.......a mobile cannot prevent every single risk of harm to a child and the level of risk needs to be assessed accurately by parents, rather than refusing any independence because all risks can never be removed. Parents who are excessively anxious and worried pass this onto their kids. It's often they who want the constant contact and possibility to make contact - I would suggest that if the kids are old enough for sleepovers, it's a good lesson for parents too, to manage a few hours without contact and to learn to trust another adult to look after their child.

If you’ve ever done a night shift on any free helpline you’d not be asking who she could prank call. I’ve seen kids charged with causing a nuisance to folk like NHS 24, Breathing Space and the Samaritans not to mention the amount of prank calls overnight to Childline. You’ve got a very limited imagination of you think quite young kids aren’t capable of prank calls.

The point that poster was making is that you don’t know. It’s highly unlikely, granted.

DD was at a party once when a group of girls she was friends with just started to be a bit mean to her: just a few little digs to start with, I think, but then it escalated throughout the time there to become downright mean. I went to pick her up and she just burst into tears

There is no way she’d have felt able to tell someone and it was partly because it was that subtle, conniving sort of meanness: the sort clothed in side looks and sniggers and cold shouldering which can be hard to explain as an adult never mind a preteen. It’s those sorts of things people mean, I think.

HuskyMcClusky It is realistic, rare but still possible. I wouldn’t overthink it though but I’m sure it can and has happened.

I actually find the whole I am going to take your phone that only has your parents contacts and no social media, games etc off you so you are unable to contact them a bit worrying

Oh God. You are nuts.