Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

"its for emergencies"

If there is a genuine emergency at a sleepover then the child needs to speak to the friend's parent or guardian, not phone her own parents on a mobile, ffs. I can't believe anyone would think anything else!

Phones are not allowed in bedrooms overnight
End of story

We have a 'no phones in bedrooms' rule and I wouldn't change that for a sleepover. Unsupervised kids plus phones are a disaster waiting to happen with the extra excitement of a sleepover.

If it's that important to you that your DD has her phone 24/7 then you need to speak to parents before she goes to sleepovers adn find out their rules [not find out their rules - not try and impose your own].

I don't really understand why it wouldn't occur to you that that is plainly the rule in their house.

FGS I’m beginning to wonder if anyone actually remembers what life was like before mobiles. You went to your friend’s, you were too busy talking or playing that you wouldn’t even have wanted to use the landline! Get a grip!

If there's a next time be matter of fact that your dd is allowed to keep her mobile switched off in her bag or outside the door, otherwise no sleepover. Your DC your rules in this respect.

Well, I have to say I'm surprised by the comments. Upsidedown - I'm totally with you!!! My daughter is 9 and has a mobile phone for times when she goes to stay with her father - she only has 5 numbers in there, and doesn't play games etc, but it helps her to know that she can simply text me "night", and if that's what she needs to be comfortable, then so be it.

I do agree that the scenario of a sleepover with all the girls sat there on their phones is a recipe for disaster, but that clearly isn't this situation. And to be honest, that will happen anyway - whether we like it or not!

Do whatever makes you and your daughter feel comfortable. Mobile phones are here to stay, so make your rules clear, trust each other and if the other parent doesn't like it, then sleepovers at your house!!!

Okay I guess I am being unreasonable to ask that my daughter have her phone somewhere accessible to her so she can contact us in an emergency or even just for reassurance

That is not what people are saying. It wouldn’t have been unreasonable to ask. However, you didn’t ask so the other parent wasn’t unreasonable to take the phone off your daughter. The other parent can’t read your mind.
Other posters are trying to point out to you that not allowing ten year olds to have a mobile on a sleepover is normal. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can have whatever rules you want for your own child but you need to tell clearly tell people what they are. Expecting another parent to remember a comment about phones from a previous sleepover at your house is silly and unreasonable.

How did we all cope as kids on sleepovers in the days before mobile phones?? 🙄

YABVU. If she needed to contact you, she would just have to ask the other parents to get in touch

what a fuss about nothing

You were completely reasonable to expect your DD to keep her phone, especially after you had made your wishes very clear. Mumsnet is very strange about this. My DD had a sleepover where the couple screamed and shouted all night and one where she was made to sleep in a bed someone else had already weed in. And they were both situations where I knew the parents reasonably well. I wouldn't allow your DD to stay there again. In any other sleepovers I would say at handover 'I have assured DD that she wil be able to keep her phone so she can contact me if she needs to' and check that they are on board with this.

It’s like saying how did we cope before washing machines. We coped, of course we did. But phones are a part of life now. Most of us would struggle without them.

If there's a next time be matter of fact that your dd is allowed to keep her mobile switched off in her bag or outside the door, otherwise no sleepover. Your DC your rules in this respect.

Then don't expect your child to be invited to many sleepovers as any sensible parent would not allow mobile phones to be accessible to 10 year olds overnight.

PS. you forgot to add "hun" to the end of your post.

Funny isn't it, as adults women are encouraged to do what they need to feel comfortable in some situations, yet a little girl feeling more comfortable just by having a mobile nearby at sleepovers is Not On.

The fact that she felt scared to ask the other parent for her phone back would be enough for me to stop any future sleepovers there tbh.

Typical AIBU:

OP: AIBU?
Majority: Yep
OP: No I'm not, due to blah, blah blah

Why post if you think you are right? Or is getting validation so important to you?

I can see big problems with your DD as a teen if she can't be away from access to her phone for a few hours.

Ginger I have to say, I’m never quite clear on the utter obsession with sleepovers. I just don’t get them, so much angst.

Bastard is what happens if at 2am you get a teary call saying “I’m in a piss filled bed”?

JANEY oh I am sorry I didn't realise it was mandatory for a child to have a phone in order to leave the house,my bad.

bastard can't you see that the situations you describe are the very strange ones? What kind of people is your DD sleeping over with, that they make her sleep in a bed someone else has urinated in or scream at one another all night?

So let me get this straight. You followed the other mums rules regarding no phone at night. Yet she ignored the rule that your daughter has. People on this thread have skipped that and are shouting it’s her house rules etc. Well, you have your own house rules too so from now on when her daughter comes over, allow her to have her phone. All night if she wants. Then when she questions why, just state that your house rules are different and like her you will only implement them.

Of course you should just talk to her first but that would be what I do if she doesn’t allow your child her phone again.

My two are still very young but one child has a transplant and if she is away on a sleepover I would like to be in contact with her. She may feel more comfortable telling her worries to me over the phone or a text if she starts to feel different than someone she doesn’t know very well. I will not take chances with my child’s health whereas a kid might not want to bother another adult. Hopefully though she will grow up to be confident and able to ask anyway. I don’t see anything wrong with having a phone for reassurance. It kept me in contact with my other child (through my mum) whilst I was away for a while with the other child. I also need my phone constantly incase we get phone calls from the hospital etc and I am dependant on it. Times have changed, I don’t see having a phone as a bad thing.

Commuter - fair few "huns" missing off other posts then

Loves I think what some of us are saying is that kids need more than the knowledge they have a phone to keep them safe/assess risk.

Oh god yes, because things like that obviously never happen do they. We have absolutely no idea what life is like behind closed doors in other people's houses. If I got a 2am call and my child was not okay, I would collect her.

I would be concerned if anyone came to my house for a sleepover and was unhappy and chose to contact home directly about it, rather than letting me know as host. This would be inappropriate in my book.

I think many children go to sleepovers before they are ready to cope with them. To be able to cope you need to;

• be willing to tell the host if you are having a problem about something
• have a very good chance of getting through the whole event without needing to speak to parents or go home half way through the night.

If I had a child who had big concerns about speaking to a host then I would think they were not ready. At the least I would be explaining that to the host and asking them to check in child.

No phones in bedrooms is very normal as you can see from this thread. When you stay at someone else's house, their rules need to apply. If you cannot accept that, don't let your child go to the house if others.

I would have a good think about your DD and her going to sleepovers and how she handles difficulties.....the answer isn't always to go straight to mum. It's why on residential trips and during the school day at primary, kids are not allowed to have their phones all the time and are asked to tell a teacher if there is an issue......teachers, and hosts in this case, cannot have children asking to be picked up and parents randomly turning up in the night bout issues they have no idea about.

Phones in the room of a group of young kids at night is a recipe for problems. Most parents recognise this.
If there is a genuine issue and reason why a child needs their phone all the time, you as parent would need to explain this in advance to host and talk through what they are and aren't happy with.

DD2 is 12. She often has friends here or goes to other houses. The rule in every house is all electronics removed at bedtime so they actually get some sleep. The last time one of her friends stayed here I caught them on their laptops at 2am and was not impressed. So now it's everything downstairs and they are allowed to read for a while before sleeping.

She has a residential this week to Europe. They are away from Monday to Friday. They have been told (and the parents told) that all phones/ipods will be removed from them at lights out and given back the next morning. I should think there will be enough trouble getting them all to go to sleep without adding electronics into the mix.

If your DD is that anxious about being able to contact you at all times then I think you need to work on building her confidence and getting her able to talk to other adults if you aren't around. Bear in mind that at some point her phone may run out of charge, she may lose it or be in a bad signal area. Being totally reliant on a phone is not a good idea.