Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

I think you are creating a situation where your daughter is too reliant on her phone and you to calm her anxieties. She needs to be taught some tools to calm her anxieties and become more emotionally resilant. If she can’t sleep over someone’s house without needing to contact you for reassurance - she’s not ready for sleepovers yet.
If my children contact me when they are at a sleepover - I will contact them back. But I never contact them first - you have said you contacted her at least two times. Without meaning to, you are creating a scenario for her where she will be checking her phone to see if she has messages from you. You need to let her have some independence or she won’t be able to work out how to manage her anxieties without your help.

You have literally no idea what can happen at other people's houses, even people you know relatively well.

hmm If you actually think this is a remotely realistic scenario < absolutely deluded!

Its not vital, but it makes her more comfortable to be able to contact us. Everybody has phones to be able to contact people today

She can bloody contact you!! Aargh!! She just needs to go through an adult first. They’re not putting her in the cone of silence fgs.

Righto, bastard, you think that’s ‘deluded’? You shouldn’t be sending your kid there.

It is really unfair, actually, to be so explosive about a statement of fact relating to child abuse.

Historically, that is HOW child abuse thrived. “Uncle Bill? Don’t be so ridiculous.” “Dave at number 2? Don’t be so silly; we have known him years!” “Katie’s grandad? But you’ve been going to Katie’s to play since you were seven.”

Where do people think abusers hang out? It isn’t lurking in alleyways, you know.

If you don't trust someone else with your child then you shouldn't let them sleep over. Because someone abusive isn't going to stop to let them get their phone out of their bag to tell you.

I'm beginning to realise why the older generation call this the snowflake generation now.....oh she took my Chantelle's phone off her,oh I was so worried that she didn't text me 'goodnight' and the poor love was so upset about having to go without it for a few hours that she never slept a wink.What if her duvet had slipped off in the night how would she have contacted me so I'd be able to go round to tuck her back in? Or what if,God forbid she'd needed a poo during the night and she hadn't been able to call me to go wipe her arse for her? I'm distraught and poor Chantelle is now on the waiting list for counselling.Should I sue for the distress this has caused us as a family?

YABU - a very sensible rule in my opinion. No child needs a phone glued to them and for E-safety I think it was very wise thing to do.

You do know that if she goes on a school residential she won't be allowed her phone or to contact you directly?

It isn’t snowflakey to want a bit of reassurance from the person you grew inside

It sounds like the main problem is she's very anxious, you need to teach her how to speak up for herself. The phone seems to be just making it worse as she is still able to be totally dependent on you instead of learning to trust others and herself.

NutElla5x You are rude.

That might just be the most twee thing I’ve read on here. And not all children grow inside their mothers.

'My Bad' . Sorry JaneyE if 'My bad' offended you,my bad.

I can't deny that mobiles are useful for when children are out on their own, walking to school or even out playing in the park. Back in the olden days we had to have a coin for the phone box but I don't think there are even many phone boxes any more.

But, when you have a young child who is being delivered from the care of a parent into the home and care of another trusted (and surely they would have to be) adult, then there is absolutely no need for a mobile phone. Surely the whole point of a sleepover is to experience a bit of independence away from the familiar? Ten is a good age for sleepovers and developing resilience. Your Dd might have well stayed at home if you had to be within instant reach at all times.

DD wont be going on sleepovers there again, she will still go on sleepovers with her other friends because she is allowed to keep her phone in her bag and that is enough to reassure her.

I would be very concerned about ds if at 10 he couldnt cope with a sleepover just because he didn't have a phone next to him. She needs a phone and you are encouraging it as a crutch in an already very safe situation with her friends parents feet away. You need to encourage her not to be so reliant on it, to go to the sleepover and realise nothing bad will happen if she doesn't have that crutch and she can speak to other safe adults if she needs support.

If she can't do that she's not ready for any sleepovers, what happens if she needs help, her phone doesn't work and she is too scared to talk to a safe adult?

Nutella I think you're posting on the wrong thread, no one has said any of that.

I can see now why some kids I come across have a sneery, superior attitude if they are allowed to do something another isn't.

True. And it probably is twee, but I do think it is very human to want to reach out to the person you’ve got the strongest connection with if you’re feeling a bit peculiar. I really don’t see that as snowflakey.

What do you think my child is going to be doing on her phone?
Prank calling her grandparents?

I know someone whos 11 year old daughter was egged on to share naked photos to a boy by her peers. Those photos then flew round the school like wildfire by the monday. That little girl now has a 'reputation' because her parents didn't safeguard her. They had all the talks they needed to have but allowed her unresticted phone access and peer pressure won.

It isn’t snowflakey to want a bit of reassurance from the person you grew inside

You are THAT parent!

I think YABU. I don't agree with children having phones in bedrooms. If she feels anxious and needs to text you for reassurance, she's probably not ready for sleepovers. Will she be going away with the school in year 5/6? What will she do then, as she won't be allowed a phone at all.

I wish she didnt but she does

She could learn not to with some encouragement and reassurance from you, rather than "she won't be going on sleepovers there again".

You're just reinforcing her anxiety.

Children need to be taught to decide if something is serious and needs dealing with and then to speak to the adult in charge. If they cannot do this, then they shouldn't be at sleepovers.

Yes, girls can be mean to each other. Children have to learn to judge if the meanness is at a level that needs dealing with - and to speak to the host. If not, they just have to live with it. It's one or the other, if you are away from home, but bleating to a parent who drops everything to whizz round to collect, isn't helpful to anyone.
If you were the host and a parent just turned up to collect a child in the night, what would you think about it?

I actually think lots of parents let their kids go to sleepovers here they don't know the other kids or don't know the hosts. This is why they lack confidence in their child's safety/happiness - so my question is, why would you let your child go to sleep at the house if someone you do t know and who even you don't have good communication with? To be honest, this seems more negligent than not providing a phone.

I ink children need to be a certain age to enjoy and cope with sleepovers. They work much better if the child knows the adult hosts and has spend time with them on several occasions before the sleepover, so that they DO feel do feel they can voice any issues. Parents should also know the hosts a bit - speaking to them in advance about any little issues their child has is really important - they can't be expected to be mind readers, but they should be given a chance to look after the child properly, rather than over-ridden at the first sign of a minor issue.

If you don't know the hosts, the other kids or if the set-up is safe and that the adults can be trusted to deal with any issues that might arise....why on earth are you sending your kids to spend the night there? A mobile phone isn't a replace,net for parents doing due diligence in advance. I think that some parents think it is and simply allows the, to wade in at any time into any situation - sleepovers, play dates, school day, school residential. It's not a substitute. Teaching your children how to communicate and not putting them in situations which they cannot cope with, and making sure you have that info as an adult before putting them into that situation seems to be the adult responsibility. Simply saying 'yes' to sleepovers with people you don't know from a young age, because having a mobile makes it okay,mseemingly negligent to me.

Also what happens if you’re out of phone contact, are asleep and don’t hear your phone ring, your wn phone runs out of battery, you drop it down the toilet or whatever. God forbid that we might not be completely contactable 24/7 for our kids.

I snorted at NutElla's post. I guess I must be rude too.