Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

Also, 10 years old is far too early to have a phone in the first place!

But actually in this case it’s not safer and quicker. If she has an emergency which needs adult support, the safest, quickest thing to do is be able to speak to the adult in the house with her.

Knowing that her mum is easily contactable probably offers her some comfort

On the flip side - when my 11 yo went on a school trip to Europe, they were allowed to keep phones. So she texted me endlessly at 11pm, when she'd fallen out with her room-mate, when she couldn't sleep, when she was worried etc etc etc.

I really don't think it gave her a lot of comfort - it just encouraged her to try and lean on me instead of sorting things out for herself. And it sure as hell didn't give me any comfort knowing that my child was miserable and there wasn't a single thing I could do about it. Would have been much better if she hadn't had the option and had been forced to pluck up the courage to talk to the teacher in charge. Who is absolutely lovely and much more capable of sorting things out that I would be.

We’ve had friends of our DCs who have just sat and stared at their phones when here. They only do it once; I don’t invite them twice.

If a 10 year old can’t manage without a phone for one night, they have a problem.

1. It's up to you to check the house phone rules, not for the hosting Mum to tell you what they are ....as it's your daughter with the issues

1. I'd be VERY concerned that a 10 year old can't go to a trusted adult and ask for the child's phone to be returned for 2 minutes to send a text,

10 is too Young for a phone in my view. sorry OP.

I don't think 10 is too young for a mobile. Some dc are walking to school by themselves at 10 and to local parks or shop and its useful. OP says it's not a smartphone so she can't go online.

YABU.

Her house, her rules.

I can see both sides to this argument but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

It's not a smart phone, its for emergencies, and some kids are particularly anxious so it's not really fair.

A non smart phone isn't interesting enough to keep kids up at night or distract from real life interaction, what is the worst they could do, make a prank call? That's a rite of passage.

Doesn't need to be a drama I would just maybe explain to the mum that your daughter is a little anxious without her phone for emergencies but assure her that it will stay switched off.

I don't know if your daughter has been on a school trip overnight yet. If so you may want to prepare her for the fact mobiles will be allowed (or at least not at any schools I have known).

I think you would be best to explain to DD that the rules in that house are she can’t have her phone at night, then DD can decide whether she wants to sleepover again or not.

Agreed with this. These are the kinds of processes that help her grow up LESS anxious and needy, rather than always giving her this crutch and nothing ever improving.

Explain that she can ask for her phone to call you at any time, but that she can't keep it overnight because her friends house has a no-phones-at-night rule. And obviously reassure her that she'll be just fine.

It will be good for her in the long run.

Yabu. Sounds like your DD is not mature enough for sleep-overs. Mobile phones can be mis-used (even unintentionally) in groups - especially at night when no supervision etc.

I think feeling safer because you have a mobile on you is a dangerous thought.
If your DD cannot cope without a phone during a sleepover at a friends house, she is not ready for it.

If you talk to the Mum and I missy she changes her house rules, that’ll end the sleepovers straight off.

Why don’t you use it instead as an opportunity for DD to assess risk (none), realise in the context she has no need to check in, because adults have things like bedtime, pick up time firmly in hand. If there’s an emergency or she’s distressed step 1 is let the hosts know; you all trust them enough to host a sleepover, surely you know they’d know what to do in a real emergency. Her job is to just have fun, she absolutely doesn’t need a phone in this situation.

You are being unreasonable.

You were aware of the rules at the sleepover House prior to the sleepover, so no excuses really. Your DD needs to learn that in life that sometimes you abide by rules that are set, and you may not especially like the rules. If you don't want to, don't go.

Also a bit concerning that a 10year old child is that dependant on a phone. Are you sure she's old enough to sleep over?

As a Year 6 teacher, please, please don’t let groups of children have phones (even ones that just text) unsupervised on sleepovers.

The amount of time that I spend on a Monday morning sorting out the fall outs over who texted who on whose phone pretending to be who... and that’s before we get on to people being excluded from WhatsApp groups or taking photos of each other sleeping...

I also agree that it is a life skill to have the resilience to ask a known adult for help, even if they are not family members.

YABU. She was a guest and their house their rules. I appreciate I am may be a dinosaur but a 10 year,old does not need a phone.

YABU her house, her rules. My dcs are not allowed any phones, screens etc in rooms after 8pm and any friends are expected to abide by this house rule too.

She does not need her phone on hand.

If she has a problem, the parents have your number and you have theirs. If that is not enough for your daughter, then she is not ready for sleepovers.

As others have said, it's not good for children to become so obsessed with being in touch that they get anxious when their phone is not around.

I'm sorry but when you allow your DD to go for a sleepover at a friend's house, the friend's parents are in loco parentis and it is their house rules. If your DD's friend isn't allowed to have a phone in her bedroom at night then your DD needs to be subject to the same 'house rules'. That's been so here when we've had our nephews and nieces to stay, and we'll be having 2 of DD1's friends over for a sleepover for her 9th birthday. There's no way they'll have phones/iPads in their rooms. They're not old enough to be trusted with them without supervision overnight.

I think if phones are being used to bully then the problem is the bullies not the phones.

At 10 years old I absolutely do take phones overnight and return then in the morning. Expecting a child to monitor and manage their phone use is in my view ridiculous. I don’t let them decide when they’ve had too many sweets, or whether they need to brush their teeth or when they’re going to go to bed because they’re children and in need of adult support, guidance and supervision. And as the adult, that’s part of my job - to set and maintain boundaries for my children and children in my care. If other adults disagree with my boundaries, that’s fine but I won’t be caring for their children.

We’re not talking about a teenager here, she’s 10 and still in need of adult support and intervention.

We all survived sleepovers without 24/7 contact. Tbh it sounds like you have created this anxiety of contact when she is away. You don't need to text her goodnight or text to say you are on your way. Presumably pick up time was agreed beforehand.

A 10 year old doesn't need a mobile phone. My 10 year old wants one. He isn't getting it yet. He doesn't need it at all. He just wants it because his friends ha e it and he would try and be on SM quicker than you can say 'smartphone.