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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

666 replies

upsideup · 17/03/2018 11:16

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

OP posts:
ChocolateWombat · 18/03/2018 19:11

This isn't about confiscating people's property.
It is about being a responsible adult and knowing that all the advice is that individual kids shouldn't have devices in their befpdrooms and that groups certainly shouldn't. Any responsible adult knows this advice and takes it seriously.
A child might bring a knife or a gun into someone else's home. You wouldn't say that it's their property and they should be able to do whatever they like with their own property would you. I know it's a daft example, but you get the point. What about if a 14 year old is allowed to drink by their parents - you wouldn't want them having alcohol in the sleepover bedroom and sharing it round.
Children don't have rights to phones in bedrooms. Advice is very clearly against it and the problems associated with groups having phones overnight are widely known. Isn't it the duty of the host parent to show responsibility and not just let the kids do whatever they fancy regardless.
On one hand people are saying child safety is key, but allowing phones in the bedroom for groups of kids is quite clearly goiing against this. And all justified as not confiscating another's property or infringing their rights,

There is no confiscation - there is a simple 'just leave your phones on charge here now you're going up to bed' or 'it's nearly bedtime, if you want to send a goodnight text, do it shortly because we'll then put the phones onto charge down here over night. No phones in bedrooms here'

Original poster
upsideup · 18/03/2018 19:13

She wont be having sleepovers with that friends soon because she doesnt feel comfortable.
She has lots of sleepover with other people and will continue to do so because she is comfortable and enjoys it.

OP posts:
ChocolateWombat · 18/03/2018 19:15

My children do t have devices in their bedrooms.

From now on,maher they go to sleepovers, I will ask if the family allow them in the bedrooms. Sorry to say, if they do, they won't be going.

In my view, this is like parents letting teenagers have a party with the key to the drinks cabinet and the parents going out and leaving them to it. I wouldn't agree to my kids going to such a party until they are much older, and I won't be agreeing to sleepovers with phones.

HannahGraceDunning23 · 18/03/2018 19:21

I think maybe you should talk to your dd about being able to talk to her friends parent a bit more therefore if there was a problem and your dd needed picking up the mother would be able to contact you herself, at 10 years old I certainly didn’t have a phone to contact my mum I know times have changed but when my daughter gets to an age that she starts to have sleepovers I’d like to think that she’s able to feel comfortable enough to talk to other parents without having a mobile phone at her side all night long

funkky · 18/03/2018 19:21

Sigh! Lots of good advise here about helping your child overcome whatever issues she has and how an adult has responsibility over children especially if you trust them to have your child sleep in their house. Would be great if you took some of it.

jwpetal · 18/03/2018 19:22

YABU I recently had five 11 year olds over and the phones drove me crazy. 1 mum asked that her son have his phone but it would stay off and in the morning he can play if others asleep. What a nightmare first at 11pm I go into the room to find kids on the phones. 2. St midnight I was woken because he couldn’t find the phone. 3. He woke the whole house playing games. It was ridiculous. The kids don’t Do as agreed and push boundaries. That was only one of them. There was another also.

They are antisocial and if your dd can’t be without a phone and speak to the parents then she shouldn’t be there, but don’t put this on the parent. We now have a no phone rule upstairs. If the child or parent doesn’t like it, fine with me.

JaneyEJones · 18/03/2018 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheeseyToast · 18/03/2018 19:28

Sorry but you sound very neurotic and this is no doubt filtering through to your child. You are not ready for your child to do sleepovers. This problem is all yours, not your child's or the other families.

Teacher22 · 18/03/2018 19:30

“shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, ”

The idea that a child’s whim comes ahead of the views of adults responsible for their care and safety is completely outrageous.

You would turn up at the friend’s house to pick up your child without the parents being aware of a call being made to ‘rescue ‘her? And from what? Children are notorious for nonsensical and self centred impulses.

I am sorry but you have flouted every rule of middle class parenthood
there is.

I realise that I am being a little judgemental here but you are sawing at the foundations of civilisation and need to join the grown ups immediately.

manicmij · 18/03/2018 19:38

YABU. If DD didn't have a phone would she not go on sleepover? Needs to understand that you trust the adults to let you know if there is a change of plan or emergency. Sounds as if DD has become dependent on her phone. You both need to let go a bit.

Devora13 · 18/03/2018 19:42

How did we ever cope on sleepovers without mobile phones when we were children?? It's sensible to have technology out of bedrooms. This is a common rule used by parents as it can be very tempting to use them if in rooms and that can be a safety issue, not to mention the blue light emissions having negative impact on brain waves.
Their house, their rules. To be honest, if you can trust the family enough for your daughter to have a sleepover, surely you can trust them to handle any issues?

Superwomaninmysparetime · 18/03/2018 19:43

Maybe it’s just me.. I have a 10yo dd, and there’s no way she’s having a phone until she starts big school this Sept. We have the same rule in our house too, no friends mobiles, they go on the side for plsydated and sleepovers.

metalmum15 · 18/03/2018 19:44

Phones and tablets aren't always a good idea in bedrooms at night as they can distract kids from sleeping. However, anyone who takes a phone etc away overnight and thinks that stops their children from accessing sites they shouldn't, contacting people they shouldn't, sending photos etc they shouldn't, is deluded. Kids will still do these things at any time of day, and anywhere they happen to be with their phone.

Qvar · 18/03/2018 19:45

I genuinely don't give a fuck if one kid can't cope without their phone overnight and therefore doesn't come. That's fine. They don't come.

If you seriously think it's ok to leave a smartphone overnight in a room full of ten year olds, you're welcome to do it at your house. I wouldn't let my kid come to yours either - failure to safeguard.

sallythesheep73 · 18/03/2018 19:50

We had an 8 y.o. for a sleepover last night. We did not think to text / phone to say she was ok. No news is good news. She rang her Mum this morning to organise re pick up.
I wouldnt let a kid sleep with a phone. We had kids over for a sleepover once before (age 8) and she wanted access to our wifi for her tablet and we said no and no tablet upstairs. Her parents didnt even know she had brought it with her and were quite embarrasssed.
You knew this woman's rules on phones so if there was a conversation to be had you should have done it before the sleepover. Its a bit sad if your child cant sleep without a phone? As said if there was an emergency she needs to be telling an adult not phoning you. IMO 10 is too young to have a phone.
Sorry, YAB very U and pretty snowflakey too...

BifsWif · 18/03/2018 19:50

YABU. Very much so.

Your daughter is 10. She doesn’t need a phone with her constantly. If there’s an issue and she wants to go home, she speaks to the adults.

Does it not worry you that she gets so anxious about not having her phone at TEN years old?!

BifsWif · 18/03/2018 19:51

You are really not doing your daughter any favours by enabling this.

kiloh · 18/03/2018 19:56

Fair enough it’s a house rule, but personally as it’s her first time there, and knowing she usually has her phone I’d have asked if she wanted to call to say goodnight and to let you know she was turning her phone off, she was probably worried that you wouldn’t know and that you would worry if she didn’t reply (rather than at the removal of electronic devices)

ChocolateWombat · 18/03/2018 19:58

Op, will your DD be going on a school residential later this year?
How will she (and you) cope with not having access to the phone or to contacting you?
Would it be helpful to have a try whilst at a friends house now, so managing without the phone isn't so daunting for her on the trip?

What's the difference between schools saying no phones in bedrooms on trips and parents saying it on sleepovers? I suppose some people think the schools are cruel too....perhaps their children even do t go as a result.

Hudson123 · 18/03/2018 20:03

Totally agree with Teacher22. If there is a ‘problem’ at the sleepover then the host parents need to be informed first. It would be completely unreasonable to turn up to collect her having received an SOS without the parents being told in advance. I know a situation where this happened and the host Mum was extremely angry.

KimonoDragon · 18/03/2018 20:04

As a foster carer it's one of our house rules to have no phones, ipads etc in the rooms at night. It's for the safety and protection of the children and so when my birth children have friends stay over I also ask kindly for them to hand them over for consistency. I have had children spend a lot of time on their phones whilst visiting and it also seems really anti social.

Lizzie48 · 18/03/2018 20:05

My DD1 is having a sleepover for her 9th birthday next Saturday evening, I never thought about them having mobile phones! I wouldn't be comfortable about them having them in the bedroom, our DDs' iPad is always left in our room to charge overnight.

Icanttakemuchmore · 18/03/2018 20:06

A compromise might be in order. Mobile phone downstairs on the side until the morning and if your daughter feels she needs to contact you, she can tell the other Mum she wants to text you and then does so. Then it's there in the morning on the side for your daughter to have again.

Lizzie48 · 18/03/2018 20:07

And yes, I'd have thought that at 10 the OP's DD will have been on a residential. My DD1 will be on one in April and has already been on a couple of camps.

MsDugong · 18/03/2018 20:08

YANBU generally as think no phones or tech in bedrooms, after bedtime, is a good rule. However, I have one child who has anxiety and sleep issues. Those are things that others wouldn't notice day to day but we have lived with her whole life. A sleepover is a very big deal for her. She wants to be able to do what other children do but needs support to do so. That support can be something as simple as making sure she has access to her phone. It doesn't have to be in the room with her but somewhere she can get to it easily. She most likely wouldn't use it but knowing she can makes a world of difference.

Modern technology is part of our lives. If used sensibly, it can help us in our lives. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to have wanted your daughter to have had access to her phone (it didn't have to be under her pillow), considering you had explained this in advance.