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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

666 replies

upsideup · 17/03/2018 11:16

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 18/03/2018 18:10

I think your anxiety is possibly effecting your daughter. You have given her a phone so she can stay in contact with you? Because your anxious about her not being with you? So no she panics if she hasn’t got the phone because she’s worried you will worry about her. Your making a problem that doesn’t need to be there. If anything went wrong at the sleep over the parents would contact you?

I don’t think a child needs a phone at primary school, I don’t think they really need one at high school eaither (first couple of years). I bought one for my daughter in case she missed the bus home from school but then found out she wasn’t allowed to take her phone to school anyway so for a year she never really used it. Now it’s used for me to check on her when I’m at work (I leave her for 3 hours with her younger sister). She doesn’t use it for sleep overs or at school.

Hotfootit · 18/03/2018 18:11

No phones in bedrooms on sleepovers st my house either - but I do tell parents this beforehand. I have three reasons:

  1. No accidental or intentional bullying of kids not at the sleepover via social media
  2. I want them to have some(!) sleep
  3. I grew up without my every silliness being recorded or photoed. They need that space too, so they can goof around and make mistakes without
Original poster
upsideup · 18/03/2018 18:11

She has never needed to contact me on a sleepover, I have never needed to come and pick her up, she does sometimes text goodnight and in the morning to say make sure you have to be here at whatever time and then the phone stays in her bag, theres nothing on it that is entertaining.
I would never just turn up to pick her up, I would ring the parents first and say dd was too upset/embarrased to tell you but shes not feeling great so I am going to come. The phone is just a reassurance and comfort to her that if anything happened or she was upset she would be able to text us her parents who she feels most comfortable with and trusts the most, its not neccesary but it makes it easier for her.
I said earlier on in the thread that this happened to us when a child wet the bed in our house but was embarrased to come downstairs to tell me and dh's, child text their parent who rang us and I went in and helped them sort it out. I am the adult and I cared more about the child feeling most comfortable than me being 'disrespected' as others have said and upset to not be trusted by the child as much as their own parents.

OP posts:
Hotfootit · 18/03/2018 18:13

Oops
*make mistakes with it all being recorded and on social media.

Phones are stored together in the kitchen so accessible if really needed. But if kids need to get in touch with their parents at 2amwhen they’re under my care, I need to know about it first!

Carriecakes80 · 18/03/2018 18:15

None of my kids had or will have a phone until they are over 16, my eldest two boys have their own phone now, but my two girls will have to wait. I really don't see what is so different with the world that they need them at any younger age than this?? My daughter is ten, and goes on sleepovers, and a couple of her friends have phones, and I have no idea why.

Seriously, I want my daughter to have fun and be a kid, having access to a screen 24/7 is utter rubbish, and I would be the same.

I never needed nor had a mobile til I was 21, and didn't even really need it then. The only reason my boys have a phone is because they are working and going places alone, and I like the safety aspect, and its helped a lot, so I do see the point of them, but not for kids. Teach your little lady how to be able to speak to an adult if she feels uncomfortable. xx

theeyeofthestormchaser · 18/03/2018 18:15

I do the same with dc that age. Your dd should have been able to ask sleepover mum to contact you. Didn’t you have the mum’s number? You could have texted her to ask how dd was.

Original poster
upsideup · 18/03/2018 18:16

Lovemusic33

Nice try. I dont have anxiety, I have 3 other obnoxiously extroverted and over confident children, dd is a worrier thats not mine or her fault.

OP posts:
TheAntiBoop · 18/03/2018 18:17

On the point of a phone making her feel safe - when out and about this is an artificial crutch. It's important she learn to be street wise without the tech and know what to do if she doesn't have a phone on her.

Babymonkeynuts · 18/03/2018 18:20

Is this serious?
Is it normal for 10 year olds to have own phones?
I must be living in the dark ages - am I?
I'm honestly 😶

Whitecurrants · 18/03/2018 18:21

I have taken phones from children that age who were staying for sleepovers. Otherwise getting them to actually sleep can be a nightmare. If a child was likely to want to be picked up in the middle of the night I'd certainly want to know about it.

ChocolateWombat · 18/03/2018 18:27

This is all about the difference between people wanting their children to develop genuine independence and be able to gradually break free of parents (seen as a positive thing) without the need to be in 24 hour contact, and those who want that 24 hour contact for both the kids and themselves and see any signs of it not being available as a threat.

Question to all those who want their primary age kids to have their phones all the time - how will you feel about a school trip that says no phones for 5 days or phones come out for 15 mins each day?

MadameLaplante · 18/03/2018 18:39

@upsideup Still waiting for the answer to my question about what sort of phone your DD's sleepover friend has...

Original poster
upsideup · 18/03/2018 18:45

@MadameLaplante

I'm not sure of the make, its bigger than dd's and has touch screen. I'm not sure if its a smartphone or not its sort of an in between phone but as far as i know her dd doesnt have any social media.
I'm not sure why that is relevant though?

OP posts:
Prometheus · 18/03/2018 18:47

How on earth did we cope in the 80s and 90s with no phones and no access to mummy and daddy on tap.......

MadameLaplante · 18/03/2018 18:52

Thanks @upsideup. It's relevant because you acted on the friend's mum's wishes. But if you didn't otherwise allow smartphones (and there's no 'in between': either a phone is a smartphone, or it isn't. Mine is not, and only one of my teenage plus DC has a smartphone, and I know the difference), it would surely be your own policy not to allow your DD's friend to have it overnight (rather than just agreeing to this because the mum asked it of you)? If your general policy is that "phones at night are ok", then everything you have said about your DD not having a smartphone is negated. I think there are inconstencies here.

Original poster
upsideup · 18/03/2018 18:58

I allow our guests to keep their phones, I dont have a policy that involves taking other children possesion. If they come with a phone I assume there parent has allowed them to come with a phone.
Though we have never had a child with a smartphone (access to social media etc) who has done anything bad with it or anything that means i have even noticed they have a phone tbh.

OP posts:
pinkstripeycat · 18/03/2018 18:58

Just because the sleepover parents don’t allow their own child a phone at doesn’t give them the right to take your child’s phone away. It’s not really their business to take your child’s phone. My 12 year old isn’t allowed phone upstairs at all (it comes in our room at night) to stop him from playing with it. I wouldn’t even think of taking the phone if his friend who sleeps over. It’s not mine to confiscate

gillybeanz · 18/03/2018 18:59

I do think you need to support her to stop worrying rather than pandering.
teach her that you will be there at collection time and that she doesn't need her phone as a crutch.
The other parent has different values and it is her home. If it's the rule of no mobiles in bedrooms then that's how it is.
Your dd needs to learn that everyone is different, when in Rome etc.

Hillarious · 18/03/2018 19:00

OP - is it not possible to say to your DD - "Don't worry, you'll be fine, you'll have a great time and we'll see you in the morning. If you have any worries, get your friend to speak to her parents and they'll be more than happy to help you." If that chance has gone for this sleepover, then can you adopt this approach going forward?

Qvar · 18/03/2018 19:01

No ten year old is having a phone in a bedroom overnight in my house.

Toomanytealights · 18/03/2018 19:02

Why has a 10 year old got a phone?Shock

No way would 10 year olds be spending a whole night unattended with a phone in my house. It's simple Safeguarding.

10 year olds aren't old enough to have a phone and they're certainly not old enough to be left alone with one overnight.

So sad such young children can't function without one,not even on a fun activity such a sleepover.

Toomanytealights · 18/03/2018 19:04

If she can't cope with a sleepover without a phone she is too young for sleepovers.

MadameLaplante · 18/03/2018 19:07

Thanks, @upside up. The reason I ask is that if you were to let your DD's friend have her smartphone at night, you would be opening a whole horrible can of worms. Surely you know that they are all very, very silly at that age, and are capable of any crap? (My brood, who are all teenagers, never cease to amaze me). So would you have let your DD's friend have her phone overnight, if her mum hadn't intervened? If so, I suspect it will be more the case of the friend's mum not wanting DD to sleep over at yours, rather than you not letting your DD sleep at her friend's.

MadameLaplante · 18/03/2018 19:08

^ @upsideup (grammar pedant here, who can't bear not to put a space between words!)

voddiekeepsmesane · 18/03/2018 19:09

OMG before mobile phones what did we do??!! If your daughter feels that uncomfortable talking to her friends parents if a situation arises that she needs to contact you then maybe she isn't ready for sleepovers yet? Also if she really is that uncomfortable then maybe you shouldn't allow another sleep over at this friends house. They are 10! My DS at 10 only had sleepovers with friends that he had known for several years through junior school and therefore I had already had several dealing with playdates etc. Again I say if you or your dd is so uncomfortable without contact for 24 hours or so then maybe sleepovers are just not your thing yet