Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

So would you really be allowing them unfettered access to electronics all night because they are their possessions?

If you haven’t grown up around stairs then yes, they can be scary and seem quite dangerous. They already do have a certain amount of risk around them.

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Blimey. OP I think you are being given a rough ride by this lot tbh. You had spoken tonthe Mum about your daughters phone. The Mum took the phone away. Your daughter has some seperation anxiety, it helps her to be able to communicate directly, with you, her Mum.

So a kid with anxiety cant go on sleepovers? Sounds a bit mean to me.

I remember being somewhat socially awkward and would of been very shy in speaking to the other Mum too. You do whats best for your daughter and ignore this bunch of vipers!

Yanbu. If it were me, I would speak to the parent and remind them that your daughter has separation anxiety and would prefer access if she feels she needs it. As long as it's switched off, I don't see the problem.

Those saying it's their house rule, yours is that it's allowed but still followed the wishes of the other parent, surely it should be reciprocated? Obviously if they started sodding about then that would change things but you know if your child is trustworthy to behave.

Sorry I haventvread the whole thread so sorry if this was explained in the middle somewhere, but is it mumsnet normal for 10 year olds to have their own phones now? At DS primary school hardly anyone has phones, it's a bit of a going-to-secondary thing to get a phone. Are we very unusual?

Ok fair enough. Reading my comment back it does sound nuts. Some kids grow up in bungalows and get carried up and down stairs. Or maybe I’ve just been watching too much peppa pig. I’m sure somewhere someone must be precious about stairs. I’m not one of them by the way. I even used to try and jump down them, stupidly.

Why does a ten year old need a phone? Do all ten year olds have phones? My 12 year old doesn’t have one, has never asked for one. My 14 year old has one but doesn’t use it much, she only really uses it if I leave her at home on her own so I can contact her.

Absolutely no need for phones. We have managed without them for a reasonably long time without the world coming to an end. I’d be more concerned regarding the anxiety at being separated from a phone at the age of 10. I’m prettty sure that if needed the parents would have been happy to contact !

I think the bigger problem here is that she is only 10 - why does she need the pressure of having a mobile? When they start secondary school, yes, but at age 10? More for the parents' convenience as they don't need to entertain their children as much. If she has started with a phone this young then you have much bigger problems to worry about then it being taken off her when she should be enjoying actually speaking and hanging out with her friend.

Do 10 year olds really have phones? My 9 year old tells me a lot of his friends have phones I thought he was making it up to get a phone. I imagine when he goes to secondary school we will let him but not before. Maybe I am I reasonable for that. If we did have friends for a sleepover though i would feel uncomfortable leaving them uncupervised with a phone so I don’t think the parents in this situation were unreasonable.

How on earth did we all manage before mobile phones?? My kids went on lots sleepovers never took their phones and if contact needed (son throwing up) parent rang and we collected. Same when kids came to us had parents contact details in case needed but rarely, if at all, did. If I didn't think my kids wouldn't have comfortable enough to be away from me with the other family then I would consider they were not ready for sleepovers. When they go on school trips you can't contact them the whole time they're away my kids loved the freedom and I was happy they felt secure enough to be away without contact.

This strikes me as one of those 'people live very differently' threads.

Some people give their 7 and 8 year olds phones, have said children off alone for periods of time and send their children to sleepovers where they barely know the parents and don't really communicate with them about any specific needs before the event. These people also allow their kids to have access to phones or electronics 24/7 and see a child being asked to leave a phone downstairs as tantamount to theft and believe their child should be able to make 24/7 communication with parent and parent with child and that whatever parent usually does at home should apply whilst in another's home too.

Others don't give young children mobiles and wait until top primary and find their children have no need for them before this point. They make sure they know the people their kids are going to spend the night with and have clear communication with them in advance about any needs, and trust these other adults to get in touch or help the child get in touch if needed. These parents accept that child will be out of direct contact for the period of the sleepover and see that as a growing independence thing, not something which needs covering with a phone.

It's clear from this thread that some areas and schools have lots of one type and others have lots of the other......this is why there is such surprise and disagreement on this thread - very different approaches to parenting.

I cant see any reason for a 10 year old to have a phone, if there is a problem and they want to contact you use the house phone. There are so many kids addicted to phones it isn't healthy, no phones until High School is our rule and even now my DD12 doesn't take her phone to school/sleepovers through choice.

I hope my 10 year old doesn’t think he’s getting a phone! Not really the point of this post obviously but I was expecting this to be about a 14-15 year old not a 10 year old. If it were me then I would say mobile phones off and in the hallway at a certain time too.

@starlight13

I will say for the last time that she doesnt have a smartphone, the phone is purely to be able to contact us and for us to be able to contact her. Its not to entertain her because there is nothing entertaining on it, its never used when she is at home with us.
She doesnt have any social media, any games, and friends numbers.
Why is it suddenely needed for secondary school but not before, my kids go out without us before secondary school.

Have not read all 19 pages, but just say NO to sleepovers! What are they for anyway? Is any friendship improved by them? My elder daughter, now 38, was asked, and went to first sleepover aged 10. Parents were known to us: both quiet responsible teachers. Two weeks later, another friend decided to have a sleepover. I didn't know the parents, but first husband did. He was a policeman, and he knew them in a 'professional capacity'. We made an excuse and said there would be no more sleepovers. Glad we did. There was a murder at the poor girl's house a few weeks later, and it was horrifying to hear what went on in that house over several years. Just say that all parties and get-togethers will be during the day. You are a parent, not a mate. Just say no!

Lovemusic33 I was beginning to think I was the only one to think it strange for a 10 year to have a phone. My DCs didn’t get phones until secondary school.

Sorry OP I think YABU, surely sleepovers are about being with friends away from home/own parents. Allow your DDs friends’s parents to have their rules in their house and you encourage DD to be independent, it will be fine in the long run.

YANBU at all. Most of the people here have obviously never had a day of anxiety in their life. And have never had to deal with the awful burden of an anxious child. She has done amazingly well to cope that night without her phone. Please encourage her about that, and tell her how well she’s done. The statistics on people affected by mental health issues are mind boggling. And it’s not just adults. I have a niece with severe anxiety, she’s 23 now, but her first sleepover, with phone, was a massive breakthrough. Keep on loving and supporting your daughter.

up why would she need it to contact you? Surely the parents of the child have your phone number? She could have asked to call you before she went to bed?

It’s sad how things have changed. When we were kids there were no mobiles, at the age of ten I used to play out all day, if I needed to contact my parents I would have to use a land line. Nothing bad ever happened to us.

OP - what would be so serious that your DD would need to contact you during the night that she couldn't discuss with her friend's parents and what would precipitate action on your part, such as turning up at the friend's house during the middle of the night and such that you wouldn't have anticipated before allowing her to stay over?

I haven’t read all replies. But how did we all survive before mobiles? If I’d wanted my parents when I was a child on a sleepover. Tough. We didn’t even have a house phone let alone a mobile. I’m just as bad with mobiles, my son (at age 15 and plenty old enough to look after himself) went to our nearest city by train for the first time. I told him to text me he’d arrived and plans for Home train. For some reason his phone list signal completely. I couldn’t contact him all day. I was getting in such a panic just because of no reply. If he didn’t have a phone I’d have just had to wait. One of his friends texted me to say my ds had got no signal and told me arrival time. But phones do make us worry unnecessarily.

And yes, I suffer from anxiety, my eldest daughter has Aspergers and suffers with anxiety but I didn’t let her have a phone until high school. If she stays with a friend I usually stay in contact with the child’s parent, I give them my number if they need to call.

She is also 11 in two weeks, starting secondary in september.

Why is it so horrific for a 10 year old to have a basic phone with her parents contacts but neccesary in a few months when she is at a different school?

No phones in the bed room is a sensible rule.

Turned off and in a bag I might have allowed it to stay but if your child doesn’t feel comfortable asking the other parent s to contact you when anxious or talking to them about her anxiety I wouldn’t be happy about her staying.

My DC is anxious but sometimes in trying to help you end up enabling the anxiety not helping to deal with it