Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

In their house their rules go. We don’t allow technology upstairs so we’d probably do similar. If your daughter wanted to come home surely it’s better to speak to the adults around anyway and not for you to just turn up? They need to keep their rules for their own children the same as the rules for their guests IMO

I agree with MyDcAreMarvel. I'd never let my child unsupervised access to a mobile phone and the Internet overnight, let alone at a sleepover.

If your child is that anxious at a sleepover maybe it's not the right time to do them. When she's a little older she may be more confident to feel more relaxed with friends and their parents.

janeyejones if you just consider phones/ iPads/ xbox/ DVDs all night 'more relaxed' I pity your DC and wouldn't allow my DS to come to your house.
All my DS's friends regularly come here as we have fun, we're not stuck to phones all night. The board game we played last time DS (11) friends were round was so popular two parents requested the next day which one it was. And I, for one, consider any child of 11 to say they're not used to an ordinary staircase as a definite PFB. The fireworks ( across the field) and roasting marshmallows outside were hi-lights for the other lads.
When did we stop living and lose so much perspective that kids without a phone for a few hours is a crime against their civil liberties?
We're off climbing hills ( inc DS (6) who has asd) tomorrow and I sure am glad PFB friend isn't coming

OP next time your DC goes to a sleepover spell it out to both DD and the hosts what she/they expect. Surely a text saying she's going to bed is enough - and making sure she knows she can knock on the door if feeling sick? That's all it would take.
Agree with everyone saying remove phones - and don't allow kids to sleepover in a sitting room with a tv where they can watch horror films or unsuitable material.

The other thing is just to ban sleepovers. A friend to stay, fine. But sleepovers tend to be disruptive and leave children tired and dispirited and unable to complete projects/homework. They seem to have become a Thing in the 90s but should be put back in Room 101 along with aspirational birthday parties.

@milliemolliemou isn't having a friend to stay by definition a sleepover?? What's the difference, the number of friends or what?

It's worrying the way people talk about trust on this thread. 'You either trust people or you don't let your children sleep over'. There are degrees of trust. But in reality no one should be 100% trusted. You have to do things to mitigate risk, not just in relation to sleepovers. For some people, that means ensuring their child has access to a phone.

It's as if everything we have learned about childhood sexual abuse has been forgotten by posters on this thread. It's really not so black and white. People who seem trustworthy sometimes abuse children. People just fantasise that they know who to trust. Then just ridicule others who are not so blinkered, with PFB/snowflake idiot comments. Children can have frightening and damaging experiences when away from those closest to them. That is not a 'one in a million chance' and nor is sexual abuse.

One of the roles of parents is to assess risk for our children. We cannot totally eradicate it, but we can assess it and help teach our children to do the same and to reduce it.

Knowing who our children are going to spend the night with is a key way to do this. I remember my mother wouldn't allow me to sleep over at anyone's house unless she had personally met them and chatted through the sleepover. This wouldn't remove all risk of course, but she decided this was one way to assess risk. I remain surprised at how many people let their kids go to sleepovers at houses of people they have never met and whom they haven't had a conversation with about the special little ways of their child.

I do t know why people think having a phone is a good way of reducing risk of things like abuse. It is no substitutes for checking things out for yourself. An abuser is not going to not abuse because a child has a phone. Many children who are abused have phones.

This said, we must remain balanced in our assessment of risk. Yes there is a risk and we must minimise it, but at the same time, give our children freedom and growing independence. This sometimes involves relying on other adults at school or sleepovers or on residentials .....it's all part of growing up and knowing that parents cannot be there 24/7 and learning to make good use of other support networks.

It strikes me as odd that people are very worried by the risk of child abuse, and seem to think the best action to take to a void it is to provide a phone, not to be more careful about the time the children spend without any adult supervision or just being fully aware of where they are going for sleepovers. A phone isn't a coverall for all risk.

Completely false dichotomy as the premise of your post there unfortunately @ChocolateWombat

Sorry OP I’m another yabu

Are you absolutely sure the other parent understood that by saying your dd needs to have her phone with her on sleepovers this meant “at all times” and not just to say good night or whatever

Children who want to mess about can do this on a non smartphone

My bf and I spent many a fun time prankcalling and childline opening was like all our Christmases had come at once

Wildbhoysmama. I doubt janeyejones would want your DC over anyway if they are as judgemental, smug and pious as you.

This is so dull.

wildbhoysmama To be fair I don’t like fireworks and actually cried at a birthday party as a child. I seem to hate many loud noises and things like parades. I tend to avoid them so my kids don’t really get much exposer to them. I live in the worst country for it too. Same with roasting marshmallows, I’d never done that until a friends house and I was a lot older and still felt nervous as I don’t like fire. I don’t think that makes me bad at all. I do think your attitude is a bit off. Obviously you know the child better and all those things added up could be difficult to have round or on outings. I’ve not much experience of sleepovers as I wasn’t allowed on any and my kids aren’t at that age yet.

Take two phones and a tablet. Hide them in various places. If discovered use your Taser on the mother. Technology makes sleepovers much more exciting.

Yawn

Judgmental, snug, pious and compared to.Hyacinth Bucket?! I'm doing grand tonight, the comparison/ adjectives are hysterical if you knew me. I'm a teacher in the East End of Glasgow and see how the kids' lives revolve around phones: Instagram, Snapchat and filming everything whilst parents give free reign. I make no apologies for making sure my 3 DSons have perspective on technology, whilst having the gadgets they want. And it IS my business to police other DC in our, family house. It's no phones after bed (late as it's a sleepover) and if they or their parents don't fancy that they can decide not to come, simple. Doesn't make me any of the aforementioned things.
The fireworks were a neighbour and I'd asked all parents beforehand if this was okay. Similarly, no one needed to toast anything ( it was the drama which accompanied the toasting from PFB that was off). And where in a million, fucking is it NOT precious to regard stairs as a danger, ffs!

• fucking years

If you haven’t grown up around stairs then yes, they can be scary and seem quite dangerous. They already do have a certain amount of risk around them.

Nobody can claim not to have grown up around stairs, they're everywhere!

If you haven’t grown up around stairs...

I love the idea of a child who has reached sleepover age entirely on the flat.

Fireworks, okay, roasting marshmallows, hmm, yeah whatever.
But stairs
Wtf

Thank you for some perspective, recent posters! The boy is 11. He lives in a bungalow but his school ( and everywhere else) has stairs! We have 3 floors and he claimed it was " too high and scary" . Methinks it was a ruse to allow them to sleep in the living room with multiple charging points and TV/ DVD/ Xbox. This what happened at their mutant friend's house a month later- the sleepover he coped at fine as they were up half the night. I hate when DS sleeps over there ( as much as I really like the family and child) and limit it to birthdays/ holidays. That's all I was saying, but, apparently I'm Hyacinth Bucket!

If you haven’t grown up around stairs then yes, they can be scary and seem quite dangerous. They already do have a certain amount of risk around them

is there a peak mumsnet emoji

their mutant friend's house

😂😂