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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

666 replies

upsideup · 17/03/2018 11:16

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 17/03/2018 15:40

Its not quite the same thing though Dolly is it. If your dd decides to spend her evenings watching god knows what on YouTube without anyone knowing, or chatting to new friends she's made on line, then she'll be harming no-one but herself. And if you're ok with the risk, there's no problem.

BakedBeans47 · 17/03/2018 15:43

My boys are 9 and nearly 12 and been going away on camps and stuff since the eldest was 9 and no phones have ever been allowed on these things. The only electronic devices allowed are kindles (the ones that are just e-readers, not kindle fire etc). The eldest is going away for 4 nights in a month and again there will be no phones. They are absolutely not necessary when the children are under the care of other responsible adults.

clarrylove · 17/03/2018 15:43

I suspect the host is trying to protect the privacy of their own child. Does the phone gave a camera on it? Do they gave Internet access? I know someone who allowed this and was shocked to discover pics of the girls in a state if undress were shared by the friend online.

Original poster
upsideup · 17/03/2018 15:43

You haven't answered my question, though, namely whether your DD has her phone at night when she's at home.

Tbh her phone probably is in her bedroom sometimes, she never uses it at home because theres nothing she can do on it, (again not a smart phone), Shes hardly going to stay up all night texting me when I'm next door.
If she had a smart phone and used it to do other stuff then I of course I would take it out of her room but its not and I theres no need for me to do so. Ipads and computers are not allowed in bedrooms.

OP posts:
user838383 · 17/03/2018 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bonnyshide · 17/03/2018 15:44

My DD went to a sleepover like this, she felt ill and couldn't text us, got really upset. She never went back again.

Hersetta427 · 17/03/2018 15:45

Should the mum have run through all their house rules with you to see if you agreed with them. Frankly you are being ridiculous, precious and vv unreasonable. You need to make your daughter less reliant on the phone - she can't be in contact with you 24/7. When she goes to secondary school they cannot even take them out of there bag for the duration. Presumably if she needed to contact you so desperately she could have gone downstairs to use the phone.

Original poster
upsideup · 17/03/2018 15:45

BarbarianMum

DD doesnt have a smartphone!! She has no internet access, she cant spend the night on youtube or talking to strangers online.
Thats not a risk I want to take either

OP posts:
Dozer · 17/03/2018 15:52

Not ideal to encourage her to rely on being in contact as a way of managing anxiety. Phones are not allowed on school trips etc.

Lizzie48 · 17/03/2018 16:03

My DDs have access to our iPad and they take photos on it. They are also able to text, they text us sometimes. To our horror, we discovered one day that they had been taking photos of each other's bottoms and wanted to send them to their friends. We nipped that in the bud and there hasn't been a repeat. But that's the sort of thing that children can do without WiFi, when their phone has a camera, taking intimate photos of each other.

That's a reason not to allow a phone in their room with them. Peer pressure can lead them to do things they wouldn't do at home, and if the adults are asleep and not supervising, you just don't know what they could get up to.

PorkFlute · 17/03/2018 16:03

Even if she’s only got a basic phone she could be texting anyone or being texted by anyone for all the other mum knows and they still have games and stuff on. You knew she was anti phones at bedtime so it was just as much your responsibility to clarify what would happen as it was the other mothers to inform you imo.

steff13 · 17/03/2018 16:10

Op has already explained that her dd can't get on YouTube etc on her phone so zero chance of any of that happening.

Was the OP's daughter the only girl sleeping over? Just because she doesn't have a smartphone doesn't mean the other girls don't. The parents couldn't have let OP's daughter keep her phone and taken the other girls' phones away.

Original poster
upsideup · 17/03/2018 16:12

steff13

She was the only girl sleeping over.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 17/03/2018 16:13

Why would it be necessary for you, OP, to ban your dd from go to sleepovers at that house? Surely your dd would just refuse to go, without you needing to veto it. Or will there come a time when your dd asks to go and you tell her she can't because she didn't enjoy it this time?

Original poster
upsideup · 17/03/2018 16:16

Coyoacan

I havnt banned her from going anywhere (where have I said I did? ), she doesnt feel comfortable going so she wont be going, if and when she wants to go again then she can.
8 year old ds goes on sleepovers without talking his phone most times because it doesnt bother or worry him.

OP posts:
AdBluSucks · 17/03/2018 16:24

YANBU.
She doesn't have to keep it with her overnight though does she - she can plug the phone in on the landing then your dd knows it is there if she needs her parents.

PorkFlute · 17/03/2018 16:31

If you’re going to plug it in on the landing where a child can go and get it what is the point of removing it?

CalliopeMcPherson · 17/03/2018 16:32

I didn't have a phone until I was 16 and I did just fine (and I've had generalised anxiety disorder since as long as I can remember). I actually think it is more healthy for a 10 year old to not have a phone in the first place. This way, they learn not to be dependent on the fact that they can contact their parents at any time. It teaches them independence and to deal with situations on their own rather than running to mum and dad. Kids have to go through tough situations in life in order to become resilient and to be honest, I think this is just one of those situations. I can think of much worse things that could've happened. Taking a child's phone away because it is a house rule is not a big deal! Maybe if she didn't have this dependence on her phone she would actually learn to speak to adults and ask if she could use theirs!

UnicornRainbowColours · 17/03/2018 16:46

I think it’s their house their rules and a 9 year old doesn’t need a phone at night in any situation.

m0therofdragons · 17/03/2018 16:55

@upsideup 8 year old ds goes on sleepovers without talking his phone most times because it doesnt bother or worry him.

Huh? Why does an 8 year old have a phone? I just cannot get my head round this. This is bonkers. Shock

fessmess · 17/03/2018 16:59

I think if the mum wanted your dd to put her phone downstairs at night then she should have had a conversation with you beforehand so you and your dd would have had a heads up. Without that conversation I think she is BU. I have had kids over, and when younger ours didn't have phones in their rooms at night, but let them all have them on the understanding they were turned off at 10. To me the comfort of the guest trumps any house rules.

Creambun2 · 17/03/2018 17:08

^boopsy*

my dd in particular finds it hard to get to sleep at other peoples houses and likes to text me or put her earphones in and watch YouTube if she can’t sleep

So its fine for your DD to distubrb others then by watching screen all night? Selfish.

ChocolateWombat · 17/03/2018 17:09

I'm keen on the comfort of guests too. However, when they are 8 years old, I see them as guests who are children and children require an adult to act as an adult and make a variety of decisions as they see fit.

Small children with phones and possibly internet in bedrooms over night - strikes me as negligent - not looking out for the good of the kids. Just imagine it being allowed on a school trip, regardless of whether they are smart phones or not. The fact it wouldn't be allowed, even though lots of kids would love it, just might be an indication that it's not a good idea.

I'd be horrified if I thought my child might spend the night somewhere, in a room with lots of phones and no adult presence.

ChocolateWombat · 17/03/2018 17:13

8 year olds are probably in Year 3 - first year of Juniors.
Why do they have phones? Are they out and about by themselves so need them?

Just a reminder to parents who want to be in contact with their kids - if your kids go to sleepovers and you need to speak to them or they to you - the host will have a landline and probably a mobile too. Making contact will not be impossible.

Honestly, can anyone really give me a GOOD reason why a mobile is needed by an 8 year old?

ShortandAnnoying · 17/03/2018 17:15

Why shouldn't an 8 year old have a phone? They are cheap and can be used to text their friends or call Grandma, no harm in that.

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