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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

666 replies

upsideup · 17/03/2018 11:16

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

OP posts:
Tralalee · 17/03/2018 14:43

What isn't?

littlecabbage · 17/03/2018 14:44

I don't think kids should have 'phones/tablets etc in their bedrooms overnight. They need a break from technology - they spend enough time with it during the day as it is.

If there was a problem, a child could speak to the parents of the friend with whom they are staying. If they do not feel comfortable to do so, maybe they are not ready for sleepovers.

Judder · 17/03/2018 14:44

YABU Their house, their rules. They are treating your DD just the same as their own DD. If she wanted to speak to you she could have asked them to use the phone. I do understand why you're upset though as it's hard when they start going off for sleepovers and we're used to them always being under our care and attention.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 17/03/2018 14:45

The host Mum probably didn't want them arsing about on their phones all night. If you think she may have been in a position to have to call for help, either from her family or the emergency services (seriously?!) then you really shouldn't have let her go.
She's 10. She can make it through the night without a phone.

Tralalee · 17/03/2018 14:46

Anyone that doesn't think that their 10 year old would be straight on YouTube when the lights go out needs to give their head a wobble

BarbarianMum · 17/03/2018 14:47

I'd serously give zero fucks if someone wanted their precious prince to have access to a smartphone all night. Why on earth would I risk a sleepover full of children under my care being exposed to cyberbullying, pornography, unsuitable YouTube content etc etc just to placate one child and their parents?

gateto · 17/03/2018 14:50

If the phone isn't a smart phone and they can't access the internet/social media on it, then I don't see why it would even cross the mums mind to remove it? I agree kids shouldn't be reliant on phones, but I wouldn't think to take something belonging to a guest away from them? Especially a non smart phone.

Lovesagin · 17/03/2018 14:50

Op has already explained that her dd can't get on YouTube etc on her phone so zero chance of any of that happening.

ChocolateWombat · 17/03/2018 14:51

Why didn't the OP clearly voice any specific needs her child had to the host?

It seems very very common that parents don't allow phones in bedrooms. Therefore Op must have known that when going to sleepovers, this could be usual....this should provoke a conversation with both child to prepare them, plus if a special action is needed, then you discuss it in advance mrather than assume the hosts will be mind readers.

I had a 9 year old bed wetter some to stay. All fine, because parents talked me through it in advance and actually checked I was happy with what was required and happy to go ahead. All fine, everyone happy. There is no way I would have known otherwise.

So here's a question - is there an inverse correlation between how much parents insist on their rules applying, no matter where a child is (school, other people's houses etc) and the ability of children to cope in different situations? Is there an inverse correlation between how young a child is when they get a phone and have lots of access to it, and their ability to cope? Is there an inverse correlation between the frequency with which a child makes contact with their parents when not with them, and their levels of independence?

I just wonder - are parents giving phones to very young children as a means to prevent independence and keep the ties very tight, rather than to promote independence, which is often stated as the reason.

BizzyFuxtons · 17/03/2018 14:51

@upstairsup Does your DD have her phone at night when she's at home? (I have been RTFT with great interest, but I haven't come across any post in which you mention this). If she doesn't have her phone at night when she's at home, it's hardly any skin off your nose to go along with her friend's mum's request to remove the friend's phone, as that's what would be happening in your house anyway. But if, on the other hand, your DD does have her phone at night when she's with you (as opposed to having been encouraged to see it as a virtual umbilical cord when she's away), I think you ought to put a stop to it now, because it only gets worse as they get older.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 17/03/2018 14:57

Tralalee The phone does not have access to YouTube.

BarbarianMum · 17/03/2018 14:58

Friend's dd got involved in a text war whilst at a sleepover. Ended up with 10 girls in the Head's office next day as one child's parents reported it. Lots of nasty texts flying and hosts parents unaware and mortified.

RhiWrites · 17/03/2018 15:07

Along with the people who’ve forgotten what it was like to be a child, I think Mumsnet is very performative about use of phones and other technology. I believe this is because it wasn’t available when sone of the posters were young.

All the people saying “no ten year old needs a phone”. I just can’t fathom why you’d deprive your child of a useful resource. I agree with whoever said that helping your child stay safe online is about educating them, not forbidding them from accessing online content.

But in any case as the OP has said, this is not a smart phone.

It gives a ten year old independence to be able to go to the park or the nearby shops with the means to contact help - on her own behalf or for another person - wherever she goes.

It’s infantilising to forbid phones because they’re “not needed”.

MsGameandWatching · 17/03/2018 15:09

Agree very much with all of your post Rhi.

Jellycatspyjamas · 17/03/2018 15:11

The child isnt going to the park or the shops, she’s at the home of her friend with a responsibile adult looking after her. It’s more infantilising to suggest she can’t simply ask for help if she needs it must be able to contact mummy in what is a safe situation or mummy presumably wouldn’t be leaving her.

Findingdotty · 17/03/2018 15:15

It was the other mum's house so the other mum's rules I'm afraid. You need to get used to that otherwise you and your DD will struggle with play dates and sleepovers.

We have similar rules. Kids don't need phones and don't need to be in contact with their parents 24/7. Learning to live for periods of time without your parents is part of growing up. The phone culture is causing many problems in society. One of these is children/teenagers who are overly reliant on their parents and are not learning or experiencing independence. It is a very necessary life skill and you do children no favours in not instilling this in them.

Original poster
upsideup · 17/03/2018 15:19

I havnt read the last few pages but
-I have said I am being unreasonable, that I cant expect the mum to change the rule to accomidate dd who she doesnt feel comfortable going so wont be going again. Problem solved, she will have sleepovers at ours and her other friends house, when her phone can stay in her bag.
-DD has never rang us to pick her up on a sleepover but knowing she can is comforting to her, i dont think it is at all likely that she is going to be abused or neglected overwise I wouldnt have sent her but I'm not naive enough to think its impossible, of course it is.
-She doesnt have a smart phone, there is no internet access, no games, no social media so for the 100+ comments who say thats what she will be doing, she wont. Her phone really isnt anythin of any intrest to her, she has nothing to stay up and do on it all night, she could text adult family/friends but they would just tell her to go to bed.
-Of course I'm helping my dd to overcome her anxieties and become independant, the phone has helped to do that. She will happily leave the house without me or stay home alone knowing she has the phone and i think that is a more positive step than her having to be by my side 14/7.
-We had a girl on a sleepover who wet the bed, she text her mum to tell her and then her mum rang me. I then went into the room and helped the girl sort it out , that was less embarassing for her than having to come and get me and tell me about it her self, of course she could of done and would of reacted the same but getting her mum to help made her more comfortable and im under no illusion that she trusts her me more than her mum, I didnt disrespected.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 17/03/2018 15:21

I wouldn't invite a child to a sleepover if the condition was a phone in the bedroom overnight. Too much potential for upset.

Lovesagin · 17/03/2018 15:24

Anyone else looking forward to future threads where an op is pissed off at their 15 year old DD staying at a house where boys are allowed to sleep over and the op being told "their house their rules?" Grin

PorkFlute · 17/03/2018 15:25

We don’t have phones in rooms at bedtimes but I do relax it for sleepovers. Mainly because if dd is going to someone else’s sleepover others will likely have phones and we have only ever hosted 2 sleepovers so I didn’t think it was a big deal since it’s not all the time. You can’t completely control what your kids are viewing on mobile devices unless you don’t let them go to others houses. My kids have had it drummed into them that if anyone is looking at anything they shouldn’t be they are to tell the adult in the house and I’m confident they would or they would tell me in our home.
Odd that the other mum insisted you took her dds phone away at your house when she just presumably looked at the other kids phones who still had them.
She may have forgotten the conversation you had about your dd liking to call you though so I think knowing her stance on phones at bedtime it would have been wise to check if your dd would be allowed hers since it’s so important to her.
Now your dd knows it’s up to her whether she wants to go again.

Dollygirl2008 · 17/03/2018 15:31

Can I put a slightly different scenario out there - my DD (9) is still adjusting to her father and I divorcing. She sometimes goes to stay with his mother who lives a hundred miles away with no WiFi and out in the sticks. During the day, she has a whale of a time but as night draws in, she begins to miss me and likes to text me - just to know I'm "there" if you like. For this reason, she has my old phone so that she can do that whenever she likes. She doesn't want to bother her nan as she doesn't want to make her feel like she doesn't want to be there. It makes all of us feel better

Is that wrong as well? Would all you "no to technology" posters take the phone if my DD as well???

SoupDragon · 17/03/2018 15:32

Anyone else looking forward to future threads where an op is pissed off at their 15 year old DD staying at a house where boys are allowed to sleep over and the op being told "their house their rules?"

There is a difference between a rule (this MUST happen) and something that is allowed (this CAN happen)? I suspect there are very few homes which have a rule insisting boys must sleep over.

Regardless, the OP would have the option of not letting their DD go to that sleepover.

Also, can you imagine a scenario where a OP is insisting that her DD MUST bring their boyfriend with them to a sleepover and sleep in the same room? 😂

BizzyFuxtons · 17/03/2018 15:35

Bit different, @lovesagin. What pretty much all of us would do in that situation is tell our DC that they weren't going to such a sleepover, and that the hosting parents must be out of their minds to agree to it. Not quite the same as not allowing phones in bedrooms, is it?

@upsideup, thanks for returning and clarifying. You haven't answered my question, though, namely whether your DD has her phone at night when she's at home. It's germane to this thread, I think.

LadyConniver · 17/03/2018 15:37

It isn’t snowflakey to want a bit of reassurance from the person you grew inside

Well it is if you're just round a mate's house.
You have to learn what to do when your bus breaks down and your battery dies. When the train you planned to catch gets cancelled. You have to develop self-reliance, and to keep things in perspective.
This isn't the way to do it. Ringing your Mum every time you get a flutter won't help the growing up process.

Lovesagin · 17/03/2018 15:38

Quite, but there again removing someone else's child's mobile phone isn't a rule that MUST happen either.

And the op wouldn't have the option to not allow their dd to stay if they didn't know about it.

Anyway, mine was a daft comment just to highlight the "their house their rules" is also a bit silly.