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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

666 replies

upsideup · 17/03/2018 11:16

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

OP posts:
oblada · 17/03/2018 13:48

I agree that a 10yrs old doesn't need a phone and should cope with it but most importantly should be able to speak to the other parents. Otherwise she is not ready for a sleepover. I'd only have kids at sleepovers that I know are comfortable coming to me with issues/worries and I'd only send my kids on a sleepover if I knew they could do that. How did she cope on sleepovers before getting a mobile phone? My dd is 6yrs old and she has started doing the odd sleepover with close friends and I can't see her getting a phone anytime soon.

HuskyMcClusky · 17/03/2018 13:48

Yes, yes that's exactly what I said.

Well, what did you mean then?

Tralalee · 17/03/2018 13:48

Encouraged??? ENCOUNTERED

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 17/03/2018 13:50

MrsGame you really think an adult who felt anxious in the night would phone a friend or family member and nobody would judge them for it?

It would have to be some kind of high level life threatening anxiety in that case. Most adults would be furious to be woken in the night because a friend or family member felt a bit anxious and was selfish enough not to give a shot of that meant waking someone elsewhere with a middle of the night phonecall, leaving the person they called also sleep deprived.

MsGameandWatching · 17/03/2018 13:52

I don't want an anxious child who absolutely must have a phone to call home in my house thanks. I doubt my dcs would be friends with anyone who did, I've certainly never encouraged it in RL.

Best make sure you make that all the parents in your child's friendship circle know that then while patting yourself on the back that you didn't end up with a highly anxious child yourself. Many of us do. I have two children, one who happily goes off for up to five days with his extended family and another who really struggles and hasn't yet had a sleep over with anyone but family at age 11.

liz70 · 17/03/2018 13:52

"An adult who was feeling anxious during the night would call a friend or family member and no one would judge them for it. "

If I phoned my mum at 3 a.m. because I was feeling "a bit anxious", I'd fully expect to be told to sod off and let her get some sleep.

Tralalee · 17/03/2018 13:53

If a friend rang me in the night due to anxiety I'd presume drugs or mental illness. Both have actually happened to me in fact!

HuskyMcClusky · 17/03/2018 13:53

No, we didn’t ‘stay anxious’. We learned to self-soothe, and when we got through it unscathed and even enjoyed ourselves, we learned it’ll be fine the next time. And that’s how you learn that you’ll be okay, and that new situations aren’t big and bad and scary.

Not by texting your mummy the minute you feel worried.

MsGameandWatching · 17/03/2018 13:53

Yes I do. I've had friends phone me late at night because they're feeling a bit sad or rubbish.

Davespecifico · 17/03/2018 13:53

It sounds like something you could discuss next time she goes there.

You probably need to come up with an accommodation. Go with th who use rule, but agree a time she can ring to say goodnight.

Lovesagin · 17/03/2018 13:54

Cant you just read my post again again? C&p on this stupid thing takes forever.

Tralalee · 17/03/2018 13:54

hasn't yet had a sleep over with anyone but family at age 11

Nor had my dd by this age! She was quite anxious so she didn't go on sleepovers! It just wasn't a big deal. She's 18 now and extremely social but still prefers her own bed Smile

Lweji · 17/03/2018 13:55

"An adult who was feeling anxious during the night would call a friend or family member and no one would judge them for it. "

If they were feeling that anxious during the night, I'd hope it was for a reason that warranted 999 and not friends or family.

I'd absolutely judge anyone calling me at 3am and short of an alien invasion, would tell them off too.

MsGameandWatching · 17/03/2018 13:55

No, we didn’t ‘stay anxious’. We learned to self-soothe, and when we got through it unscathed and even enjoyed ourselves, we learned it’ll be fine the next time. And that’s how you learn that you’ll be okay, and that new situations aren’t big and bad and scary.

This does not work for all children. Glad it worked for you though. Having been in a situation where I knew many children in the same boat as me away from home, as boarding school we had to learn to get on with it and as I know many of them still as adults, there are as many outcomes as there are children.

Justdontknow4321 · 17/03/2018 13:56

Yabu- her house, her rules.

You daughter doesn’t sound mature enough to be at sleepovers, to have anxiety because she didn’t have her phone close is ridiculous at that age! What kind of emergency was there going to be that she would need to call you in? That the actual parent in the house wouldn’t call you for!
The phone was also taken away at 8pm so that was late enough to send you a goodnight text! She should be playing with her friend anyway.
If she doesn’t even feel able to ask the parent in the house to call her mum to say goodnight she shouldn’t be there.
The other mum doesn’t have to explain her house rules to you, I would imagine she thought having the phone til 8pm at night was late enough for her to send you a text. If you didn’t trust the other mum in the first place to look after your dd you shouldn’t of sent her.

SandAndSea · 17/03/2018 13:58

For me, the issue here is almost nothing to do with the phone and more to do with a child feeling upset and not knowing how to deal with that. It takes me back to an experience I had when I was at a friend's house for tea. It was about 40 years ago and I still remember it clearly! The 'friend' threatened me and told me if I told on her she would have me beaten up. I was really scared and upset and didn't know what to do. Obviously, I wanted to go home straight away but didn't know how to ask for that. However, the difference here is that the mum noticed. She could see I was unhappy and took me home.

So, personally, I wouldn't make this situation about the phone. I would teach your daughter how to deal with situations like this. I would also tell the mum, if she invites your DD again, and explain that she was upset and didn't know how to deal with it.

I wouldn't want chn to have phones in the bedroom either but I would discuss this with them and ask them if they wanted to call/text first and maybe put the phone somewhere accessible for the child if I thought they were nervous.

melj1213 · 17/03/2018 13:58

Of course they didn't stay anxious!

I did!

I was a shy child and even though I knew my best friends parents I still felt anxious about asking for things or "causing a fuss". I still now, 18 years later, vividly remember being sick in the middle of the night at a friend's house aged 10 and just wanting my mum. My friend was still asleep as I managed to get to the bathroom to be sick without waking her. I felt awful and wanted to go home but i was also terrified of causing a fuss by waking her or her parents so I took myself back to bed and lay there tearfully for the rest of the night. In the morning my friends mum asked me how I was and I admitted I'd been sick and she scolded me (though she was probably worried it felt like a telling off to me) for not waking her.

Lethaldrizzle · 17/03/2018 14:01

Melj - but here you are all grown up having survived

Jellycatspyjamas · 17/03/2018 14:01

@MsGameandWatching there's a huge difference between being away from home for weeks without family contact in a boarding school where you don't know anyone and being away for 1 night staying with a friend in her family home.

I can totally see that being expected to tough it out in the first instance is incredibly harsh, but a child being expected to self soothe on a one night sleepover with a friend is perfectly reasonable.

DiegoMadonna · 17/03/2018 14:03

As usual on mumsnet the debate tends toward the extremes, when the solution is probably somewhere in the middle.

Yes, phones can be useful for anxious children, At the same time, anxious children need to develop into non-anxious adults somehow.

I would say that this is a good opportunity for your DD to experience different rules and occasionally spend a night phoneless, as a step toward building her confidence. Why would you NOT want to build her confidence? As long as she is aware of the rule beforehand and aware that she can ask the friend's parents for her phone in an emergency, this is something she should be learning to deal with.

AnnieanoniMouse · 17/03/2018 14:04

I think the other parent was right to take away the phones, it is for your dds safety and well being

WTAF?

It’s not up to someone else to decide that. The OP gets to decide what’s best for her DD’s safety & well being. She’s managed 10 years without needing this other mother’s decision making skills.

If the other woman wants to force a rule upon a visiting child, well, that’s her choice, but it is definitely not for the visiting child’s safety & well being. Her MUM has decided that the best thing for HER DD safety & well-being is to have a non smart phone in her bag.

Bettercallsaul1 · 17/03/2018 14:05

I agree with every word of ChocolateWombat's post at 12.57.31.

Allowing children to make late-night distress calls to parents does undermine the authority of the adults with whom the child is staying - and whom the children should be able to trust and communicate with. If a child does not feel confident being left with a friend's parents, they should not be left there. As CB said, children are either ready for a bit of independence or not.

"Distress" calls, by the way, are completely different from an arranged final "goodnight" to a parent to sign off for the night, which is of course completely normal and nice.

Lethaldrizzle · 17/03/2018 14:06

Annie - eh? So now we can't follow our own rules in our own houses?!

BarbarianMum · 17/03/2018 14:06

I would be deeply unimpressed if young dc went on a sleepover which included unsupervised access to phones/the internet all night. What sort of crappy parenting is that?

juniorcakeoff · 17/03/2018 14:07

If a child isn't independent enough to be able to ask a known adult for help, then that child is unlikely to have the self-care/self-protective skills and assertiveness required to keep herself safe online.

What will she do if someone posts something negative about a photo she has put on snapchat? What will she do if someone she doesn't know asks to be her friend and then makes her feel guilty for saying no? And before you say her phone is not a smartphone, if she is allowed her phone all night then what about the others that do have smartphones?