Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

ms what do you think kids did 10 years ago? when they couldn’t message every 10 seconds?

10 year olds do not need phones. Crazy. I also leave my phone downstairs at night.

And instead of the question being asked why a child wouldn't feel comfortable asking an adult if they can call their parents, the onus is being put on that child for not being mature enough to ask.

If I knew a child didn't feel comfortable asking me something, I'd look inward, not outward.

As much as you can respect the wishes of the other parent, they also have to respect yours. You say this girl has stayed around yours a few times and you have respected the wishes of her mother for the phone to be taken away.
Your daughter you say gets anxious trying to talk to them and I can totally relate, most of the sleepovers I went on as a child I always got their child to ask them for something. I don't think that makes you any less able to have a sleepover. Adults are scary to talk to as children.
If it were my daughter I would have expected what you do for your dd's friend. If the phone isn't allowed in the room that is fine, but to take it into your room as the parent to me is a big no no.
Your child should be made to feel comfortable, and if she wanted her phone then the parents should have respected that.

Why do people keep referring to the past? Fair enough, you didn’t grow up with a phone and are fine. Times have changed and wether for good or bad, kids these days have grown up with technology and phones and know they can contact parents for reassurance when they feel they need to. Why is it ok to belittle them for it? You haven’t grown up with technology so won’t understand it I suppose. I don’t either but I respect that they have grown with it and knowing it’s there so will see things differently.

I still get a bit scared talking to some adults now

Quack - no .My kids don't have phones

This minefield hadn't even occurred to me until recently, when a friend of mine was telling me about her DC's tenth birthday sleepover. Her DC was so excited, chose a film, pizzas etc.

My friend went in to check on them - only the birthday girl was watching the film. The rest were all pissing around on their phones. She only found out later that one of them had been taking videos and uploading them straight to YouTube - I had no idea ten year olds could even do that!!!

I know it's very different to the scenario here, but I do find the dependence on mobile phones by today's children to be a bit sad.

Mine is my alarm clock as well as my phone so I need it in bed with me.

• by SOME of today's children - I know they can't all be like that!

If I knew a child didn't feel comfortable asking me something, I'd look inward, not outward.

Oh, so it’s the fault of all her friends’ parents that this one child can’t go on sleepovers without her phone?

Good grief.

In less than a century, we've gone from people having to cope with loved ones being away for months, with only the occasional letter for contact, to fretting and being unable to sleep if they're unable to be in continuous contact, every second, every hour, every day, etc. If that doesn't worry people, then it really should.

Yes, yes that's exactly what I said.

Good grief indeed!

If she can't cope without a phone the she's too young for a sleepover.

I wish these parents would try and reassure their child that they don't need to say goodnight and they definitely don't need a phone. Try and encourage self confidence without a phone as a crutch

Ace95 Exactly.

Haven't had the issue of mobile on sleep overs yet. Both our kids have their phones for their alarm but I am planning on buying actual alarms for them and setting out a charging station in the kitchen.

I do think phones and sleep overs can be a big risk but I wouldn't take it off a visiting child but I do make a point of telling my both kids different parents have different rules

what do you think kids did 10 years ago? when they couldn’t message every 10 seconds?

They stayed anxious. Great outcome.

As a side note I was at boarding school at that age and never had anyone to call out to in the night. We'd be punished if we did. Parents weren't allowed to write to us for the first half term either as staff said it would help us settle. I spent three weeks thinking my parents might have been in a car crash and no one knew as I had heard nothing from them, one letter or call would have solved all that.

I'm not a big fan of kids being expected to just hustle on through no matter how they're feeling. An adult who was feeling anxious during the night would call a friend or family member and no one would judge them for it. It's funny how when they're babies and toddlers it's all about being responsive and it's widely agreed that's the best way and will lead to securely attached children, yet suddenly around age 7 they're expected to just get on with it, well they are on MN anyway.

If she's going somewhere you and her don't feel comfortable relying on the parents and for them to contact you, then she shouldn't be going.

You should work with her to ensure she's not so dependent on her phone for reassurance.

I’d be really disappointed if my kids were unable to be without me for a night. What utter sops we are raising. And I say that as a total lefty soft basatard.

Lethaldrizzle Fair point, I should have said some. Regardless of having a phone themselves or not they know of them and that you can be in contact easily with others.

My alarm clock is my alarm clock not my phone

If children don't feel comfortable communicating with adults in this way then the futures fucked.

Hyperbole much?

Society at large is not fucked just because 10 year olds are not universally independent and some of them occasionally need reassurance from their parents

Of course they didn't stay anxious!

I don't want an anxious child who absolutely must have a phone to call home in my house thanks. I doubt my dcs would be friends with anyone who did, I've certainly never encouraged it in RL.

If they are small and sleepover then I always send a happy text to mum before bed. 10 is stupidly young for unsupervised Internet access.