Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Phone taken away dd on sleepover?

666 replies

upsideup · 17/03/2018 11:16

DD(10) was on a sleepover last night, first sleepover with this girl but we have had the girl at ours a few times before, her mum has always asked that we take her dd's phone off her before bed which we have done( we plug it in outside dd's bedroom so she could still get it if she needs it) but I remember having the conversation that my dd likes to have her phone with her on sleepovers so she is able contact us.
The mum took dd's phone of her at 8 last night and put it in her bedroom, dd did ask if she could keep it turned off in her bag but she wasnt allowed, shes' quite anxious about sleepovers and knowing she can text us to come pick her up etc without talking to the parents make her more comfortable, she also does contact us a bit anyway to say goodnight and check when we are picking her up etc. Shes also didnt get her phone back untill we picked her up at 11 because she was too nervous to ask for it.
We were a bit worried that she hadnt replied when we text goodnight and we were on are way, but I had assumed she was having too much fun and hadnt thought to check her phone not that she wasnt allowed to.
DD was upset when we picked her up, obviously not to tears or anything but it did make her feel uncomfortable that someone else took her phone and she wasnt able to contact us, she wasnt able to get any sleep because she was worried about it.

AIBU in that she shouldnt of done that without contacting me first?
The girls are quickly becomming close friends so its likely dd will get more sleepover invites, can I or how can I tell the mum that I would like dd to keep her phone?

OP posts:
NutElla5x · 17/03/2018 13:21

mustnotlooktohave if a child can't go overnight without reassurance from the person they grew inside (lol wtf!) then they are not ready for sleepovers,it's simple really.

gingercat02 · 17/03/2018 13:21

No phones in bedrooms is the rule here. DH and I don't have ours up stairs either at night

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 17/03/2018 13:22

Until like 10 years ago, no one was available 24:7 and yet we are still alive...

MsGameandWatching · 17/03/2018 13:22

DD wont be going on sleepovers there again, she will still go on sleepovers with her other friends because she is allowed to keep her phone in her bag and that is enough to reassure her.

Whatever works for you and your child OP. There's nothing unreasonable about this despite the sneering you've received on this thread. I agree with you and hope you're still here to read that.

Dozer · 17/03/2018 13:24

YABU. No tech in bedrooms is a sensible rule, especially at sleepovers!

JaneyEJones · 17/03/2018 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mustnotlooktohave · 17/03/2018 13:24

Maybe that’s where the disagreement is stemming from as I don’t think independence is something you have or haven’t. From my experience, DD at ten could be fourteen one day and four the next and I don’t think she was remarkably unusual judging from her peers.

liz70 · 17/03/2018 13:26

Mind, we didn't even have a house phone till I was 10. If either my DB or I had taken ill or had an accident at school, the school would have to phone my poor old Nan, who then had to put her coat and shoes on and walk to our house to tell my mum. It sounds like something out of the Ark now! Grin

Caterpillarx1 · 17/03/2018 13:27

I can see both sides. It wouldn’t be fair for her to let your DD have a phone over night if she doesn’t even let her own daughter. Probably should have been given back in the morning, though. They were probably busy and didn’t see an urgency in giving a 10 year old a phone back, who was busy playing. Maybe mention it to the mum next time? Or have DDs friend stay at yours instead

FrancisCrawford · 17/03/2018 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1474652148 · 17/03/2018 13:29

I think the other parent was right to take away the phones, it is for your dds safety and well being. Unsupervised phone use at ten years old at night is a receipe for disaster.
Assuming she texted you at 8pm to say she is fine then surely that’s it and she gets on and enjoys her sleepover. You would know if there was a problem.
If you feel that strongly don’t let her sleep over there again until she can cope without her phone, at the moment you are just encouraging a phone dependency

NutElla5x · 17/03/2018 13:30

JaneyEJones demoted from pearl clutcher to a chav in a matter of minutes,I'm gonna need counselling myself at this rate innit!

melj1213 · 17/03/2018 13:30

Some people are being very harsh on the OP here. She isn't demanding her child can have her phone as shes glued to it 24/7

All she's asking is that her child has access to her phone, which isn't unreasonable.

Take the phone off the child so that they can't mess around late at night, fine, but leave it somewhere that the child can access it if they need to. A lot of the time just knowing that there is an accessible way to directly contact family is enough to reassure most children and they don't need/want to use it but if they know that there isn't that contact available without going through the parent as "gatekeeper" it can create anxiety where there wasn't any before.

It's like with anything - if I am going out to a late shift at work I generally only need my keys and my phone. I leave my purse/bag at home as I don't need them sk dont want to take them with me but I still keep an emergency £10 in my phone cover just in case something happens and I need some money (run out of petrol/phone dies/need to buy some paracetamol and a bottle of water because a headache comes on while I'm on shift etc.) I don't take that money to spend it, and half the time I forget it's there unless I need it but just knowing that I have a bit of money accessible makes me feel more secure.

LillyputLane · 17/03/2018 13:31

DS does not have a phone because I fail to see why a 10yr old needs one.

Recently had two of his friends sleep over, both brought mobile phones that they had got for Christmas and one brought an iPad.

They were asked to leave them all downstairs as 1) DS doesn't have a phone and I could already see from the car journey that the evening was going to spent with the two of them glued to their shiny new phones and DS left to himself and 2) DS is not allowed his iPad on his bedroom for reasons stated by a lot of previous posters and so same rule applies to visitors.

One child's mother spent the ENTIRE EVENING texting me for "updates" on what they were doing, were they having fun, what have they eaten etc etc. Fuck off! I don't want to spend my evening giving you a blow by blow account when you know, you could ask your DC yourself tomorrow when you see him Hmm

The other child's father sent him around 10 texts in the space of an hour asking why he wasn't replying, despite the fact I'd told his wife that the DC wouldn't have his phone on him although it would be accessible but from downstairs.

You are one of these parents aren't you OP? Do you realise what special little snowflakes you are creating?

Your DD does not need to contact you, if there is an emergency her parents will contact you, if you don't trust them to do that and she can't settle without knowing mummy dearest is just a text away then you absolutely shouldn't be letting her go to sleepovers!

Jesus some grips are needed on this thread.

JaneyEJones · 17/03/2018 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MirriVan · 17/03/2018 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NutElla5x · 17/03/2018 13:32

liz70 thanks for the snort : )

Lovesagin · 17/03/2018 13:33

I think some, not all, on this thread are feeling it that their DC don't need their mums (or dads!) comfort anymore. I think that's fine tbh, and totally normal. Its not ok though when that manifests as sneery snidey comments about a small child being a bit anxious staying away. Your kid isn't anxious, great, really great. Some are and still need a "it's ok" from their parents, if that's all they need to feel comfortable when staying away then that's just as fine as your kid being totally ok with not needing that.

pupchewsleg · 17/03/2018 13:33

DS1 took his phone to a sleepover (nextdoor). As he was next door I turned my phone off over night and when I turned it on at 7 am it was full of pitiful sad texts at 3 am. I think he would have been better without his phone - he would have just gone back to sleep. People don't need to be constantly contactable.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 17/03/2018 13:34

Janey why take them upstairs at all? On silent the blue light still negatively impacts sleep quality, and turned off they might as well be downstairs. Why do you think taking your phone to bed makes you "grown up" as you put it?

LillyputLane · 17/03/2018 13:34

Take the phone off the child so that they can't mess around late at night, fine, but leave it somewhere that the child can access it if they need to. A lot of the time just knowing that there is an accessible way to directly contact family is enough to reassure most children

Good god what did you do before you had a mobile phone?

There is an accessible way to contact family, it's called asking your friends parents for your phone or if you could use theirs to call home!!!

If children don't feel comfortable communicating with adults in this way then the futures fucked.

liz70 · 17/03/2018 13:35

"leave it somewhere that the child can access it if they need to."

She does not need to access the phone overnight.

That is the whole point of this thread.

Seriously, attitudes like this are frightening.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 17/03/2018 13:35

pup I agree. Nothingg wrong with. kids toughening up a little. When they can contact you all the time, they definitely feel more sensitive.

MsGameandWatching · 17/03/2018 13:36

Seriously, attitudes like this are frightening

In what way do they "frighten" you?

seventh · 17/03/2018 13:37

@liz70

When my Gran died at our house my dad had to walk half a mile to the phone box to phone the doctor/funeral director.

It seems like the dark ages now, eh?!!!!