To sneakily get married and not tell anyone

[coastalchick]

Context: OH proposed in July last year. We wanted to be married quickly so set a date for December last year. Was going to be the “big” wedding. Then, 4 days later, found out was pregnant so postponed until September this year.

However, had a missed miscarriage at almost 10 weeks end August. By this point I was a month off being aged 39 so we decided to forget wedding and try for another baby instead (we have no living children).

January this year we happily found out we were pregnant again. So once hit 12 weeks booked for September next year.

However, we don’t really want to wait to be married as by that point, will have been engaged 2.5 years. Also, given my age, I suspect we will want to get trying for a second (I’ll be 40 when I give birth) straight away (lady part damage permitting!)

We live offshore so wedding anywhere nice will be at least 20k. And that’s only around 50 guests.

We are now thinking we’d like to be married before baby born and we both earn decent amounts but 20k is not something we can spend without really grimacing. We want to buy a holiday home in France (subject to what effect Brexit has on ex pats purchasing) and can’t help but think money would be better spent there.

We’ve thought about just having parents and siblings at a small day but feel it would be awkward as my parents are very difficult socially.

So now we are thinking of just getting married the 2 of us in next month or so and having a big party next year which can act as wedding celebration, my 40th and baby’s naming day - we can have it in our garden (hire caterers etc) and think will be more intimate and much cheaper.

Think OH’s parents will be ok but think mine will be upset - mainly because my dad likes to show off and is hoping to invite some of their friends (he was paying for reception).

AIBU to just go off and get married?

Go for it! My ex's daughter went off to Gretna with her other half and their child without telling anyone till they got back. He wasn't at all upset as he'd suspected it was in the offing when they got engaged after years of living together and a small child. He considered that it wasn't his business what they wanted to do and, as a loving father, her happiness was the most important to him.

If you do decide to have a quiet wedding, do it cleanly. Don’t wobble and allow a couple of close family to attend. IME, the left outs will wonder what they did to offend you and will be hurt by their exclusion, but will probably be too polite to let on. If you’re eloping have strangers as witnesses and do it clean.

Although there are some people who agree with me they’d be hurt by this, the majority view seems to be: it's all about you, so do what you want.

Just wanted to disagree with a couple of points though. Being hurt is not something I’d just get over. As I say, I wouldn’t say anything but I would be deeply hurt. And as someone else said, feelings aren’t logical.

Also, the big party a year later would in no way make up for not going to the wedding. The ceremony is the important bit for me, not the knees up.

It surprises me really because there have been tons of wedding threads where someone has not been invited to a friends wedding and the general view is often how hurtful for them. But the parents are just supposed to suck it up.

It's the signing of a legal contract, we just went to our registry office with 2 strangers for witnesses and did it. To be honest I was peed off I had to stand up and say the very short vows that I had to. Would have been happier just signing the paperwork in an office. It's society that makes such a palaver out of marriage.

Yes, it's fascinating tgt there are loads of threads where there is huge angst about wedding invitations, and people being upset because their partner/children isn't invited and so on- but parents have to just shrug and move on-and are "making it all about rhem" to have any feelings at all in the matter!

Incidentally, it's not so much the not inviting that's the issue in my book-it's the not telling.

Honestly, you are already living like a married couple, have a child and are engaged. Just go quietly to the registry office and get on with it. If somebody asks just say that your first concern now you have a child is to get the legal protection of marriage in case of any eventuality and you could see that saving for a big wedding was going to put that in hold for years to come.

Just trying to think of a way you could have a small wedding, but not the awkwardness.
Could you do something like an engagement party lunch, so siblings and parents know it’s a formal thing to get excited about, and whisk them off to the registry office handily next door beforehand? Then the rest of the day would be yours as they were expecting just lunch, the awkwardness would be short( and might be mitigated by the surprise), everyone has been included.

We did this, best decision we ever made (24 years ago). We invited the neighbours to be witnesses the night before, it was a brilliant day!

To be honest, if you go down the 'parents and siblings only' route you're absolutely guaranteed to offend someone - a cousin that you're close to, best friends etc. Like PP have said, it's actually better not to invite anyone rather than just a select few.

Our view was that when you have weddings it's pretty much a given that someone will be offended anyway - so why not just offend them all? It wasn't about them, it was about us - and like you, we just wanted to be married. I have never regretted how we got married for a single second.

Do it!

I suppose everyone would be equally un-included though!

The key thing here is the OP thinks her parents will be hurt. She probably knows best.

No internet rounds of applause should push her past that. She won't be able to point to Mumsnet afterwards to fix things by saying "look, this website said if you truly loved me you wouldn't mind".

Have a wedding just the two of you. Just tell crucial people first

Option 1....just the two of you and have a few days somewhere romantic and secluded. When you get home, spread the word....too bad if they are offended, the wedding is NOT about them, it's YOUR day. Saves a long of angst and trying to please other people, who have had their own wedding day the way they wanted. Why should they interfere with yours?

Its your wedding, if you want to elope or just get married with a couple of witnesses go for it. My brother got married OS, we knew that the wedding was happening but there was no invitation to attend, they did it with just the two of them. Personally I had a very small wedding, I had absolutely no inclination to have a big all about me day, a marriage is so much more than a wedding

I really liked the way some people I know did it. They invited everyone for an informal do as they had an announcement to make: that they had married that morning at the registry with no one they knew as a witness.

I think the great thing of this is nobody gets the chance to start getting offended for things you did or plan to do before hand. You skip all the nasty expectations and go straight to the party with no resentments.

It is more important being married than getting married.

Also, you should celebrate the winning of a bet, not the placing of it!

Two bits of advice that I was given when DH and I were planning our wedding. It was a second wedding for me and he really wanted a church wedding. The faff was incredibly frustrating, so he came home one day with a wedding licence to get married three weeks later , grabbing a witness each on the day. The day happened to be Valentine's Day!

I couldn't face the thought of my DM never talking to me again, so we organised something similar (reg office plus lunch at a lovely local hotel for us plus 10 family - so there were 12 of us, of which 4 were children). We told no-one else. It was just the best day ever. There was no SM in those days (24 years ago) so we sent postcards from our honeymoon to friends. Only one person was upset not to be invited. Everyone else sent us lovely congrats messages. It was our day, not anyone else's.

Whatever you do, it will be history very soon and life moves on. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

We sloped, best thing ever, it was lovely!

*eloped...

Do it.

Took us £20k and a lot of thinking of everyone else to realise that wasn’t what we wanted or needed.

The end result is the same, you are married.

Re others being upset, those that matter won’t mind and those that mind don’t matter.

I really thought my parents would have been distraught but they told me after I was wrong, (others would have minded and 5 years on not many are part of our lives, not for those reasons but drifted apart etc).

Obviously you’ll have an idea how some will react but your focus is your family.

I would consider telling those closest to me and explain my reasons before we did it, even give them the option to attend if they wanted to but that’s it, no big day, no huge stress, no added pressure.

Good luck

Bear in mind Op, that this thread is very biased towards eloping. Think how common it is in real life compared to how many people are on this thread. Then ignore the encouraging posts from people who ‘just had their parents’, because that is not what you’re planning to do.

Do go for it op. An old friend on her second marriage said absolutely nothing to anyone and just got married over a bank holiday weekend in the Lake District. She was so happy afterwards. No family squabbles and no big bills. Everyone was happy for her and her lovely dh.

Might be some gripes afterwards but, no offence, you are old enough and wise enough to make your own decisions. Good luck.