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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sneakily get married and not tell anyone

119 replies

coastalchick · 17/03/2018 08:23

Context: OH proposed in July last year. We wanted to be married quickly so set a date for December last year. Was going to be the “big” wedding. Then, 4 days later, found out was pregnant so postponed until September this year.

However, had a missed miscarriage at almost 10 weeks end August. By this point I was a month off being aged 39 so we decided to forget wedding and try for another baby instead (we have no living children).

January this year we happily found out we were pregnant again. So once hit 12 weeks booked for September next year.

However, we don’t really want to wait to be married as by that point, will have been engaged 2.5 years. Also, given my age, I suspect we will want to get trying for a second (I’ll be 40 when I give birth) straight away (lady part damage permitting!)

We live offshore so wedding anywhere nice will be at least 20k. And that’s only around 50 guests.

We are now thinking we’d like to be married before baby born and we both earn decent amounts but 20k is not something we can spend without really grimacing. We want to buy a holiday home in France (subject to what effect Brexit has on ex pats purchasing) and can’t help but think money would be better spent there.

We’ve thought about just having parents and siblings at a small day but feel it would be awkward as my parents are very difficult socially.

So now we are thinking of just getting married the 2 of us in next month or so and having a big party next year which can act as wedding celebration, my 40th and baby’s naming day - we can have it in our garden (hire caterers etc) and think will be more intimate and much cheaper.

Think OH’s parents will be ok but think mine will be upset - mainly because my dad likes to show off and is hoping to invite some of their friends (he was paying for reception).

AIBU to just go off and get married?

OP posts:

kateandme · 17/03/2018 11:33

is there any way you could tell them first.i no this contradicts eloping definition of sorts.but call them up let them no what your going to do and why,or take out for lunch and explain.but then say youll be planning then for this big garden party next year tht youll need help with and they can straight away then get stuck into getting excited and thinking of that?this way its not something you've hidden or ust gone and done but its something you both feel you need and want to do for the best.and then everyone knows the plan.
id say go for it.if there is anyway you could do it so that everyone knows the plan id try that though too.its not asecret then that people feel left out or not told of.
you are important here.and I think your way sounds really sweet.
and to have a big bash for birthday naming anf wedding nect year sounds just brilliant.a real celebration.

Original poster

coastalchick · 17/03/2018 11:40

I respect everyone’s views but for us, it’s not about “exclusion”, of course we don’t want to “exclude” the people we love but I think it’s about putting us and our child first.

We want to be married and don’t want to wait, but if we had parents there we’d spend all day worrying if they were getting on/trying to stimulate conversation and not actually enjoying our wedding day or being with one another.

Our options really are: 1) just us, 2) us, parents and siblings only, 3) “big” day with everyone. We don’t want to spend the money on (3) as honestly, where we live you just can’t do this anywhere nice for a reasonable amount. So leaves (2) and (1).

My mum and dad has their day, just how they wanted it - ham sandwiches down the town hall - so I’m a bit like well we would rather just go to our favourite local Italian (£10 a main but best pasta ever) and minimal fuss, esp as I’m pregnant.

Arghhhh, so difficult!!!! Because I do get what some of you are saying too!!

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 17/03/2018 12:00

"“Allowing people the freedom to make their own decisions and accepting it without self regard is surely not that difficult?”

Of course. But people also need to accept that making their own decisions can cause other people pain. And those people have the right to feel pain.

BertrandRussell · 17/03/2018 12:06

Op- have you considered telling them that you're having a wedding just the two of you and a party later? I think it was waking up next morning to the announcement on FB that my brother found most difficult.

6catsandcounting · 17/03/2018 12:19

I really don't get this "I'd be so upset not to be at dc wedding". I have two teenagers and what they do is up to them - I would be glad that they had done it in the way they wanted tbh.

Get married in the way you want; as my incredibly sensible 15yr old ds says - offence is taken not given in things like this.

People should be happy for you ffs not bemoaning their chance to have a knees up at your expense. Frankly if any of your family want a big wedding they can pay for it - solves the problem and I bet all the "hurt" would pretty soon disappear.

PurpleDaisies · 17/03/2018 12:21

Frankly if any of your family want a big wedding they can pay for it - solves the problem and I bet all the "hurt" would pretty soon disappear.

The op has said her dad was paying. That won’t solve the problem here.

Defender90 · 17/03/2018 12:23

Do it.

We got married in Las Vegas last year, just us and OHs brother and his wife.

We told my parents (I'm an only child) that was it.

Best thing ever for us - no pressure, no worrying about who doesn't get on with who nonsense I've watched all our friends go through.

You're marrying each other, you're the only two that matter.

rocketgirl22 · 17/03/2018 12:24

Go for it, but warn your mum in advance.

Twooter · 17/03/2018 12:26

So it sounds as though your embarrassed by your parents so don’t want them there.

PrimalLass · 17/03/2018 12:30

isn’t it a little bit cruel not to even think about how close family and friends might feel about not being invited to your wedding?

Parents maybe, but I don't think even close friends would care that much, unless they are over invested in things like that.

PrimalLass · 17/03/2018 12:32

All these replies question how much people love their own parents. I don’t want to be at my kids weddings so I have a ‘ chance to shine’ ffs. I want to be there because it should be an amazing beautiful momentous occasion for them and I want to witness their happiness

My mum is my best friend and I love her very much. I still have no desire to say my wedding vows in front of her.

Original poster

coastalchick · 17/03/2018 12:51

Not embarrassed, if it was the "big" day they'd be fine, as my aunt, uncle, cousins etc would be there and I could relax knowing I didn't need to check on them they were ok all the time. If it's OH's parents and brothers/sisters, we've tried getting them together twice now and it is literally so hard work we feel we'd spend all day trying to stimulate conversation between everyone, and so not enjoy our day.

Dad has said he will pay for reception so other costs (which are still significant) would be covered by us (though he has said reception costs coming out of my inheritance) and just think that money would be better spent towards a holiday place or our son's education.

It's difficult as don't want to upset them. Maybe if I tentatively raise it and gague their reaction? I know ultimately all that matters to them is my happiness and so think they would get over it - they also had the big day when my brother got married (and that was a 3 day party!)

OP posts:

Justoneme · 17/03/2018 12:59

Do what makes you and your DP happy 😊

Jaxhog · 17/03/2018 13:04

Do it! Getting married is about you, not the family and friends getting a freebie. Never understood why anyone would want to spend this much on getting married.

whampiece · 17/03/2018 13:14

I feel the same, but would absolutely 100% respect their choice to do it without me if that is what they wanted. Because it isn't about me, or anyone else. It's about the 2 people getting married.

Haffdonga · 17/03/2018 13:18

As a parent of adult dcs I know I'd be deeply deeply hurt if they married without informing me. Of course I would question for the rest of my life what I had done that was so bad that they had so little trust or love for me that they didn't want to share one of the most important events of their life with me.

If your parents were abusive, narcissistic or uncaring then it's completely your right to exclude them, but yours just sound a bit socially incompetent (like a lot of us) but essentially loving, and that is just not a reason to cut them out.

Instead I think your option 2 is the way to go. You tell them you are getting married but it is not a 'wedding'. It will be a no frills, no guests, no reception event for all the good reasons you have given but a short and happy occasion. They are welcome to attend the register office. Then you let them look after themselves.

So they are socially awkward? Frankly, what does it matter to you or anyone else? Your dh has met them presumably. It will be no surprise to him. Your PILs are grown ups who I'm sure can deal for half an hour for people with awkward or different mannerisms. A small, low key group of family sounds a far easier event to deal with for everyone. And surely it's going to be a hell of a lot more socially awkward to explain in the future why you barred your parents from your wedding than inviting them.

Mogleflop · 17/03/2018 13:25

I bet most people would logically understand, but feelings aren't logical.

You're talking about buying holiday homes and paying for private education and inheritances and stuff, so your life is clearly lightyears away from mine and it's hard to guess at all the parents involved.

But why risk a lifetime of hurt feelings just for the sake of saying "I do" to someone?

You can have something lovely and private and secret - and then small and low-key followed by dinner at Pizza Hut or whatever you wanted with your immediate family. And then a huge party next year if you'd like. That way everyone wins.

dingdongdigeridoo · 17/03/2018 13:28

Eloping is great. It really takes the stress out of things, and you can always have a party down the line if you want to. My parents were surprised, but understanding when I eloped. We had been engaged a long time, and had gone through various issues such as unemployment and illness which meant we kept postponing. I think people were just happy that we'd finally got married.

Blaablaablaa · 17/03/2018 13:28

I did...best thing we ever did. Just told immediate family and had parents as witnesses. I was pregnant and we just wanted to be married. Neither of us regret a thing and it was so stress free.

BertrandRussell · 17/03/2018 13:30

“I did...best thing we ever did. Just told immediate family and had parents as witnesses. I was pregnant and we just wanted to be married. Neither of us regret a thing and it was so stress free.”

That’s hardly “not telling anyone”........

Mogleflop · 17/03/2018 13:37

Yes, that's actually probably the ideal way of doing it - quick, simple and inclusive.

I think it's telling that some people on this thread say they did it and no minded, and others have said they would or did mind but wouldn't say so.

Of course there'll be some parents or family members who really don't care, but there'll be others who did or do but couldn't articulate it.

(I have no stake in all this by the way, I don't have children yet, but it seems very silly to me to create potential dramas or hurt feelings when you can avoid them and get what you want too anyway.)

whampiece · 17/03/2018 14:26

Of course I would question for the rest of my life what I had done that was so bad that they had so little trust or love for me

That's just turning their day into something f about you. It isn't a case of them having no trust or love for you. It's a case of 'fuck it' let's be carefree, impulsive and rebellious with our love for each other.

BertrandRussell · 17/03/2018 14:32

I do hope that in real life, people have more thought for other people’s feelings!

sprinkleofsunshine · 17/03/2018 14:36

I did it best thing I ever did!! X

olivesnutsandcheese · 17/03/2018 14:40

DH and I wanted to get married before I had DS so we invited our parents to an engagement lunch then surprised them with our registry office marriage 45 mins later - then we went for lunch

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