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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sneakily get married and not tell anyone

119 replies

coastalchick · 17/03/2018 08:23

Context: OH proposed in July last year. We wanted to be married quickly so set a date for December last year. Was going to be the “big” wedding. Then, 4 days later, found out was pregnant so postponed until September this year.

However, had a missed miscarriage at almost 10 weeks end August. By this point I was a month off being aged 39 so we decided to forget wedding and try for another baby instead (we have no living children).

January this year we happily found out we were pregnant again. So once hit 12 weeks booked for September next year.

However, we don’t really want to wait to be married as by that point, will have been engaged 2.5 years. Also, given my age, I suspect we will want to get trying for a second (I’ll be 40 when I give birth) straight away (lady part damage permitting!)

We live offshore so wedding anywhere nice will be at least 20k. And that’s only around 50 guests.

We are now thinking we’d like to be married before baby born and we both earn decent amounts but 20k is not something we can spend without really grimacing. We want to buy a holiday home in France (subject to what effect Brexit has on ex pats purchasing) and can’t help but think money would be better spent there.

We’ve thought about just having parents and siblings at a small day but feel it would be awkward as my parents are very difficult socially.

So now we are thinking of just getting married the 2 of us in next month or so and having a big party next year which can act as wedding celebration, my 40th and baby’s naming day - we can have it in our garden (hire caterers etc) and think will be more intimate and much cheaper.

Think OH’s parents will be ok but think mine will be upset - mainly because my dad likes to show off and is hoping to invite some of their friends (he was paying for reception).

AIBU to just go off and get married?

OP posts:

SomeKnobend · 17/03/2018 14:45

Yanbu. Don't tentatively raise it and confuse them into thinking you're asking their permission, you're not. Being married will give you legal protections, it's important to get on with it before children if you can. It's your wedding, you decide how to do it. The only time I think other people's feeling could trump the actual couple's feelings about the wedding day is if there are children involved. Excluding children would be very cruel, but parents and other family need to get over themselves tbh.

ChodeofChodeHall · 17/03/2018 14:49

I did this and have no regrets. Have a magical day, OP!

whampiece · 17/03/2018 15:11

do hope that in real life, people have more thought for other people’s feelings!

Again, jus turning 2 people day into something about others. It isn't.

I actually did get marieed in secret. Not because I don't have any consideration for others, but because it's what DH and I chose to do. Our wedding was about us being married, not about other people having a party.

I love and respect my parents deeply, but I also was secure int he knowledge that while they would have lived the big do, they wouldn't have a problem with me doing it without them.

If anyone has family members who are hurt or offended or anything else by this then it is them who need take into consideration the feelings of others not th other way round.

A wedding is about two people getting married.

Sarsparella · 17/03/2018 16:29

As a parent of adult dcs I know I'd be deeply deeply hurt if they married without informing me. Of course I would question for the rest of my life what I had done that was so bad that they had so little trust or love for me that they didn't want to share one of the most important events of their life with me

But it’s not about you, it’d be about them & this is what a lot of people who would see it as a big deal don’t seem to understand - the actual legalities of getting married aren’t about anyone other than the couple getting married, the person officiating the marriage & witnesses required by law - it’s simply not about anyone feeling hard done by at being there or not

Sarsparella · 17/03/2018 16:31

I do hope that in real life, people have more thought for other people’s feelings!

Yes, so do I - the feelings of the people actually getting married and what’s best for them - not anyone else :)

BertrandRussell · 17/03/2018 16:33

“Yes, so do I - the feelings of the people actually getting married and what’s best for them - not anyone else ”

So basically, i’ll do what I want and fuck everyone else.

pencilhoarder · 17/03/2018 16:34

I do hope that in real life, people have more thought for other people’s feelings!

I will defend to the last your right to be offended BertrandRussell, although just imagine for one awful moment that your sons eloped with their brides

SnowOnStPatricksDay · 17/03/2018 16:38

As a parent of adult dcs I know I'd be deeply deeply hurt if they married without informing me. Of course I would question for the rest of my life what I had done that was so bad that they had so little trust or love for me that they didn't want to share one of the most important events of their life with me

@haffdonga Do you mind if I ask whether you have adult children? Because I'm not sure what it says about me as a mother that I don't feel like that about my young adult DD.
She has gradually become autonomous during her teen years - making decisions about her life without me, and experiencing milestones Independently - but I don't feel as if I've done anything bad - on the contrary, I'm delighted she has the confidence to dance to her own tune rather than what society may expect. I don't want my DD to feel that she has to place the same value on things that I do - if she doesn't want me at her wedding, I don't see that as a reflection of her feelings towards me!

OP my DH and I got married without telling anyone and we didn't announce it afterwards either - nothing changed really. No one knew until we had a "renewal of vows" party 2 years later and we only did that because we wanted our DCs to know that we were married once they were better able to cope with the manipulation and fallout that came from their other parent as a result of that knowledge.

At a basic level Marriage is a legal transaction - you wouldn't expect family and friends to be hurt that they didn't witness you signing your Will, and no one needs know you are married unless you want them to.

TheJoyOfSox · 17/03/2018 16:44

Maybe I shouldn’t comment as we did have a ‘big’ wedding, but.....had my options been to get married quickly and cheaply or not get married at all I would happily have nipped into the registrars office and just signed the paperwork.

A marriage is about all the years you have together, not the wedding reception or the dress. (I would totally have still bought a nice wedding dress though)

Sarsparella · 17/03/2018 16:51

So basically, i’ll do what I want and fuck everyone else

Getting married isn’t about anyone else :)

BertrandRussell · 17/03/2018 16:53

"will defend to the last your right to be offended BertrandRussell, although just imagine for one awful moment that your sons eloped with their brides "

Not sure where "offended" came from. And if my son eloped (as of course he had a perfect right to) I would be sad. I honestly think anyone would be. Parents are allowed to have feelings too!

Agustarella · 17/03/2018 16:55

Just go for it and elope, that's what I would do.

Haffdonga · 17/03/2018 18:08

@SnowOnStPatricksDay Do you mind if I ask whether you have adult children? Because I'm not sure what it says about me as a mother that I don't feel like that about my young adult DD. She has gradually become autonomous during her teen years - making decisions about her life without me, and experiencing milestones Independently - but I don't feel as if I've done anything bad - on the contrary,

Yes. I have two young adult dcs who live happy independent lives (one currently on the opposite side of the world, one at uni). I'm delighted that they are making their own choices (not all choices I would have made myself) and they both seem happy and confident people, I'm careful not to pressure them into visiting or sharing too much personal details of their lives if they want some separation between their childhood and adulthood. .This doesn't mean I stop wanting to share in both the joyful and shitty things that happen in their lives. They always will be the most important people in my whole world.The saying you're only as happy as your unhappiest child holds just as true when they are adult. I don't want or expect to be the most important people in their worlds, but I hope and believe that we are close enough that I am and always will be an important and special person for them.

Marriage is a significant life step (legally, emotionally and spiritually for some) whether it's witnessed by 3 strangers on a beach or 1000 relatives in a castle. If I wasn't told about my dc's wedding of course I would wonder what I had done to them that was so negative that the most important people in my life didn't want to share the most important event in their lives with me.

(And I would smile and say congratulations and act delighted and never let them know how hurt I felt.)

teaandtoast · 17/03/2018 18:36

That's a lovely story, Disgrace.

SnowOnStPatricksDay · 17/03/2018 18:43

If I wasn't told about my dc's wedding of course I would wonder what I had done to them that was so negative that the most important people in my life didn't want to share the most important event in their lives with me.

Fair enough - but for many people marriage isn't the most important event in their lives, although it obviously is for you.

I know I'm not alone in viewing it as just a legal transaction - and it would be a shame for you to beat yourself up thinking you'd done something wrong if your DCs don't share your view of marriage.

clyde5591 · 17/03/2018 19:07

I agree go for it - it your day and also may prove to be less stressful for guests, if they have to travel etc.

A party afterwards is an excellent idea - my brother did this and was the best 'wedding' ever.- a year later. Everyone was relaxed and enjoyed the evening as did brother and his new wife.
Her family took it badly at first but 3 years later it isn't even mentioned.

It really is what you and your DH feel

Twooter · 17/03/2018 20:09

Her family took it badly at first but 3 years later it isn't even mentioned

Says it all really. You can truly believe that no one cares if they weren’t invited, but you will never actually know how they felt ( unless they were openly upset about it).

BlueSkyBurningBright · 17/03/2018 20:14

I have done both.

Big marquee wedding with all the family, over 150. I am sure my parents loved it.

Then 15 years later a second marriage, this time my new DH and I wanted it to just be about us. So we told them that we were going abroad and getting married just the two of us. I thought the PIL's would try and come with us, but both sets of parents seemed relived that they did not have to get involved.

Both were special, but the second time just the two of us abroad felt more intimate and less about what other people wanted.

We had a party at home when we got back and our friends were happy for us.

Just do what feels right for you.

WinnieFosterTether · 17/03/2018 20:32

It's not just about missing the day. As someone whose relative had a 'secret' wedding, one of the most hurtful parts was the lies they told us in the days before the wedding as they tried to cover up their planning.
I also found it odd that they had an expectation we would all make an excited fuss when they told us afterwards. imo if you're determined to have a secretive, low-key event, it's odd to expect everyone to make a pubic fuss afterwards. A wedding isn't about an excuse for a party. It's about joining two individuals and two families and two lives. If you exclude people from the ceremony and lie to them about your plans, why on earth would you want them at a party?

Andrewofgg · 17/03/2018 20:43

My sister and BIL did it and while my DM was disappointed she got over it.

You will need two witnesses. Friends who can keep a secret. They should feel highly honoured!

GreenTulips · 17/03/2018 20:46

A wedding isn't about an excuse for a party

Well no, but I didn't want years of discussing and planning the party - people just have to interfere in colour schemes and favoirs and gen parties and nobody is actually happy - just a load of stress!!

If people just left the couple to sort it out - turn up - wish them luck - and not have high expectations for matching whatever's -

I don't know why more people don't elope

theSnuffster · 17/03/2018 20:48

I'm not engaged but me and OH have been together for 11 years and have two children. I'd never want a huge wedding, that's just not me- all that attention and fuss is my idea of hell! Then there's the expense, the stress, the family politics crap. I'd actually like it to just be the two of us, then a party afterwards for all our family and friends.

123fushia · 17/03/2018 21:42

I still don't acknowledge my sister's wedding anniversary. We never mention it as if I do she laughs about how much it hurt me to be excluded.
I am pretty level headed, robust, independent and happy.....but this issue is different somehow.

schnubbins · 17/03/2018 21:47

Do it.

SnowOnStPatricksDay · 17/03/2018 22:02

A wedding isn't about an excuse for a party. It's about joining two individuals and two families and two lives.

That may be the purpose of a 'wedding', but a marriage is a legal contract between two people - no families or other people involved.

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