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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sneakily get married and not tell anyone

119 replies

coastalchick · 17/03/2018 08:23

Context: OH proposed in July last year. We wanted to be married quickly so set a date for December last year. Was going to be the “big” wedding. Then, 4 days later, found out was pregnant so postponed until September this year.

However, had a missed miscarriage at almost 10 weeks end August. By this point I was a month off being aged 39 so we decided to forget wedding and try for another baby instead (we have no living children).

January this year we happily found out we were pregnant again. So once hit 12 weeks booked for September next year.

However, we don’t really want to wait to be married as by that point, will have been engaged 2.5 years. Also, given my age, I suspect we will want to get trying for a second (I’ll be 40 when I give birth) straight away (lady part damage permitting!)

We live offshore so wedding anywhere nice will be at least 20k. And that’s only around 50 guests.

We are now thinking we’d like to be married before baby born and we both earn decent amounts but 20k is not something we can spend without really grimacing. We want to buy a holiday home in France (subject to what effect Brexit has on ex pats purchasing) and can’t help but think money would be better spent there.

We’ve thought about just having parents and siblings at a small day but feel it would be awkward as my parents are very difficult socially.

So now we are thinking of just getting married the 2 of us in next month or so and having a big party next year which can act as wedding celebration, my 40th and baby’s naming day - we can have it in our garden (hire caterers etc) and think will be more intimate and much cheaper.

Think OH’s parents will be ok but think mine will be upset - mainly because my dad likes to show off and is hoping to invite some of their friends (he was paying for reception).

AIBU to just go off and get married?

OP posts:
whampiece · 17/03/2018 09:16

Of people are upset that's their problem. A wedding is about 2 people and 2 people only.

To hell with living your life on edge for fear of upsetting some relative.

DH and I married in secret. We are well into the teen years of marriage now and i still think it was the best thing we ever did.

Juiceylucy09 · 17/03/2018 09:20

Do it the wedding is insignificant, Your marriage and your new baby is your future.

Whatever you decide have a lovely day and Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Wannabecitygirl · 17/03/2018 09:22

I had a very small wedding 5 years ago and I still have people who aren’t happy they didn’t get an invite 🙄 I’m happy with my choice though - had a brilliant day!

BertrandRussell · 17/03/2018 09:24

"Of people are upset that's their problem. A wedding is about 2 people and 2 people only.

To hell with living your life on edge for fear of upsetting some relative."

Of course. But that does not change the fact that people will be hurt.

DollyLlama · 17/03/2018 09:25

That's what my DP and I are doing in May. We have 2 small children so told those close to us as we're leaving them with their grandparents and eloping to Gretna Green.

To be fair though, the idea of the 'Big Wedding' always filled me with dread so this is perfect Smile

juneau · 17/03/2018 09:27

It's your wedding, so do it the way you want. My experience was that the bigger the wedding and the more time people had to prepare the more interference we had. So if you want to have a registry office wedding and a 40th birthday party/naming celebration instead, do it!

LagunaBubbles · 17/03/2018 09:28

Dont worry about other people..it has nothing to do with them

If any of my children got married and I wasn't there I would be upset. I don't get why some people here on MN don't understand this. In a family where there is no massive problems in the relationships and therefore a reason not to invite your parents then I think it's really cruel not to. They aren't just some random relatives.

Twooter · 17/03/2018 09:29

All these replies question how much people love their own parents. I don’t want to be at my kids weddings so I have a ‘ chance to shine’ ffs. I want to be there because it should be an amazing beautiful momentous occasion for them and I want to witness their happiness. I wouldn’t expect to be at the birth of their kids, I wouldn’t be pushy in other ways but I would be upset to be excluded from their wedding.

Greenster · 17/03/2018 09:38

I would be really upset not to go to my children’s weddings. I couldn’t give a stuff about the party, the outfits, the music, buffet vs sit down or who’s on the top table. I don’t need to shine, either. But missing the service would really hurt me.

I wouldn’t say anything. And I get that it’s the bride and groom’s decision. But I’d be really hurt.

sillyswimmer · 17/03/2018 10:02

Go for it! We're planning to get married with minimal fuss. I'm not changing my name so it's possible most of the extended family will ever know. We've been very open with people that we'll get married in our own time and in our own way. We've just had to promise DP's mum we'll tell her once we're married (if we don't invite her)

LagunaBubbles · 17/03/2018 10:04

Me to Greenster. People can do what they like about their but they have to accept others have feelings.

HRTpatch · 17/03/2018 10:09

I dint think of a wedding day as being "the best day of your life".
Many hate the fuss, being centre of attention, ludicrous expense and politics .
I'm "eloping" later this year...nobody there including adult children.

misskatamari · 17/03/2018 10:24

Go for it! Dh got married just us and it was brilliant! We had a big party to celebrate a month later, but it really was wonderful just having a wedding day just for us.

AdBluSucks · 17/03/2018 10:33

If you and your partner are both happy with it then 100% do it. It's only about you, it's your marriage. 😊

123fushia · 17/03/2018 10:36

Your post seems so reasonable. Look after that baby and yourselves.
BUT.......my twin sister married in secret years ago. Her choice of course but I was enormously hurt by this, and still am...23 years on.
She ridiculed my feelings and has never acknowledged them which has not helped either.
Be prepared to listen and love your family through their disappointment too if you can.
Go for it!

Onlyoldontheoutside · 17/03/2018 10:39

It's about you and you're partner.No one else.
As for parents saying they would be hurt, it's not about you is it?Manage your own feelings and don't ruin other happy events with them.
Good luck,and have a lovely day and rest of your life.

Aintlifelikethat · 17/03/2018 10:44

Do it!! DH and I got married on a Greek island, just the two of us when I was 7 months pregnant. Best decision ever. We did tell people and some family were initially disappointed but all were happy for us in the end.

Aria2015 · 17/03/2018 10:45

No do it! I did. Parents getting upset doesn't last forever and you've got the bonus of being pregnant. Whatever upset your parents feel will dissolve when you have the baby so it will be short lived!

YellowMakesMeSmile · 17/03/2018 10:47

I would be very hurt and gutted if any of my DC did this.

I can understand not wanting to spend money on it but the quick ceremony would cost the same whether they were there or not.

The party sone time after is just weird though. You can't exclude people then expect them to turn up months later to celebrate something you excluded them from.

HRTpatch · 17/03/2018 10:49

You're still hurt 23 years down the line???? Blimey.

DelphiniumBlue · 17/03/2018 10:52

For me, weddings are about family, creating new family and combining of the old.
So I just don't get how you'd want to exclude your own immediate family.
I think it's a bit of a slap in the face to your parents, I'd be really hurt if one of my DC did that, and it would affect our future relationship, as I'd see it as spelling out that they really didn't care.
Just saying.

Lottapianos · 17/03/2018 10:53

'She ridiculed my feelings and has never acknowledged them which has not helped either.'

I completely get why this would still hurt 23 years later.

House4 · 17/03/2018 10:57

I’m in a similar situation. Would love to do it just us and DC.
However, this will be my second marriage.
Can you guess who was there to pick up the pieces and support me 100% when my first marriage failed? Yes my parents and close friends.
Share the happy times with the people who will be there with you in the bad.

BertrandRussell · 17/03/2018 10:59

“As for parents saying they would be hurt, it's not about you is it?Manage your own feelings and don't ruin other happy events with them“

My brother didn’t ruin his son’s happy event and did manage his own feelings. Those feelings were very sad and hurt ones, though.

pencilhoarder · 17/03/2018 11:14

Those who say they would be hurt not to be invited to a wedding just don't get what issues are affecting the decision of those getting married. It really is not about them, they will just have to accept that plain fact gracefully. Maybe they are imagining everything is fine in the family when actually they are wrong - both these attitudes show selfishness and lack of empathy.

Allowing people the freedom to make their own decisions and accepting it without self regard is surely not that difficult?