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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH getting at me because he works more hours

132 replies

SquashFeet · 17/03/2018 07:41

DH works Monday to Thursday 7.30-5.30 and Friday 7.30- 12.30 and Saturday 7.30-11.30. He does have the option to condense these hours into Monday-Friday but he chooses to work Saturdays instead.

I work Monday-Thursday 8am-5pm.

He works more hours, I get it. Yet he's so bloody bitter about it and goes on about it like it's my fault he has to work more hours and questions me about what housework I've done on my days off.

Like yesterday I went and bought a couple of reed diffusers, got home and the dog had ripped the couch up so I got distracted with sorting that out and left one of the boxes on the sofa instead of throwing it away. On the other hand I did a load of washing, put everyone's clothes away, tidied the bedroom and cleaned the kitchen. I also went to gym. He came home at 12.30 and whined that I'd been off all day and couldn't even be arsed to clean a box off the sofa. I ignored him cos I knew he was after a row so later on when he'd had a drink he starts ranting that my son had mucky pots in his bedroom and I'd been off work all day and couldn't even be arsed to sort the pots out. He doesn't consider the things I DO do. He then carries on making digs about how many hours he works saying stuff like "oh well, better get to bed, back at work tomorrow as usual" and "well, one more shift and it's weekend for me too, well, one and a half days anyway" etc etc

It's making me want to leave him!! I have no interest in working more hours just to match what he works. We're financially comfortable with over a grand spare each month after all bills and groceries have been paid for. I'm not going to work more just to appease him. His ex wife never worked at all (ever) yet that was fine - but with me he's so bloody bitter about it I sometimes think I'd be happier single

OP posts:

pandarific · 17/03/2018 10:13

LEAVE.

LannieDuck · 17/03/2018 10:14

Why are you letting him make the decisions on your career? Take extra shifts if you want to, and when your hours are the same as his, have a conversation about splitting the housework.

But, honestly, I think you're on to a loser. He doesn't respect you and what you do because you don't have a penis :(

pandarific · 17/03/2018 10:14

Or better yet, pack his bag, tell HIM to leave. Seriously, why live with this miserable loveless sexless relationship?

GabsAlot · 17/03/2018 10:17

i dont understand why he doesnt condense it so he gets saturdays off like you said n your op

he says its not as easy as that but clearly it is

C8H10N4O2 · 17/03/2018 10:19

I had a full time, permanent job and he encouraged me to leave it!!

So he controls the work you can do, belittles what you do, withholds sex, tells you you are lazy.

Why are you with this total arse?

timeisnotaline · 17/03/2018 10:21

Marriage counselling or leave I’m afraid. In the meantime stop doing anything around the house for him. He works normal hours and chooses to spread them over 6 days but this is your fault? He tells you not to work more every time it’s an option and then has a go st you for not working more? Waste of time. Every single time he said anything about his short weekend I’d say I agree, I wish you didn’t choose to spread your work to Saturday.

Cuppaoftea · 17/03/2018 10:26

The first thing you need to do is stop letting him dictate your work hours. Commit to the shifts you want well in advance or go for another full time position.

If you feel separation would be best at this stage look for a flat to rent for you and your son and see a solicitor. If you divorce make sure you get the money you're owed from the house so you can start afresh.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 17/03/2018 10:27

If you don't get anything positive out of the relationship it would seem sensible to start planning an exit (getting finances and paperwork in order, see a solicitor).

Not one to say ltb usually but this arrangement sounds miserable for everyone, and am I right in understanding there are no mutual children nor young children? Only your 17 year old who probably won't miss his step dad?

raisedbyguineapigs · 17/03/2018 10:27

What does your DS think? Does he get the same treatment? Tbh you have no kids together, you are financially stable, divorce him. I'd not even bother with counselling. Sounds like there's not much there to work for. You haven't even done the usual mn thing of saying how wonderful he is 30/40/50% of the time.

Clutterbugsmum · 17/03/2018 10:38

I think you need to stop listening him so much.

Read back what you have written, you didn't book the shifts you wanted because HE told you not too. Then HE moans about you not working.

You tried to tell him what you had actually done that day he talked over you, so he has no respect for you.

And as for sex why the hell would want sex with a drunk who has no respect for you.

Rosielily · 17/03/2018 10:39

Marriage/Relationship should not involve either party having to justify their use of time. I have to disagree, therefore, with the posters advising you to write a list of all you do do during the day and presenting your DH with is, together with an invoice. I fully understand where they are coming from, however, and I intend no criticism of them for saying that.

What I would suggest is that you write your own list (for your eyes only) of what YOU actually gain from this marriage and what you dislike about it/him. That will then give you the insight you need as to whether this relationship is worth it for the long haul.

What is he like in other respects: birthdays, anniversaries, when you are ill, when your DS needs attention (lifts, career advice, etc). What does he contribute to the well being of the home/family well-bring?

As yourself these questions and you might find yourself with your answer. Good luck and I hope all works out well for you.

Rosielily · 17/03/2018 10:41

I fully agree with @clutterbugsmum says too:

Read back what you have written, you didn't book the shifts you wanted because HE told you not too. Then HE moans about you not working.

cansu · 17/03/2018 11:01

You need to start telling him to piss off. I work four days and my dp did start to do this and will sometimes ask what I am doing. Most of the time I am busy with jobs etc but that is my choice. I do everything round here anyway. I deliberately tell him I am going for lunch or maybe for a swim even if I am not to make the point that I will do whatever the hell I like when I am not in paid employment. If he starts moaning I tell him to reduce his hours at work. He won't do that because he won't want to lose money. Stop justifying yourself to him and be more upfront about it.

Knittedfairies · 17/03/2018 11:07

He must realise that some people employ cleaners, actually paying them to do the job. It is work. You have a second job but you don't get paid to do it. I'd be sorely tempted to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks - long enough for him to realise that what you do is valuable.

Creambun2 · 17/03/2018 11:09

Why are you letting a 17 yr old leave dirty dishes in his room?

longtompot · 17/03/2018 11:10

He is an arse. I would be inclined to do nothing and then he will see what you actually do. That said, I don't think that would make him change.
I would get those extra hours work offer every month. You are damned if you don't damned if you do anyway.
I would then sit down with him and have a proper conversation about just what is going on, and see if there is a way forward with this.

Babyroobs · 17/03/2018 11:15

He sounds very bitter and controlling. I've recently dropped my hours from full time to 3 days a week, taking a massive pay cut but dh is fully supportive as he can see the stress I'm under trying to juggle two jobs..

Schlimbesserung · 17/03/2018 11:22

Why are you letting a 17 yr old leave dirty dishes in his room?

Seriously? In the whole situation, this is the one thing that strikes you as important?

RavenLG · 17/03/2018 11:23

He sounds like a manchild, and an ungrateful prick. Stop doing all chores around the house and he'll soon notice what you do.

Or kick him out on his arse and let him fend for himself.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 17/03/2018 11:29

I'd read him the riot act.

Next time he says it, challenge him.

He sounds like a horrible, bitter old man.

Do you have a happy marriage?

Greenkit · 17/03/2018 11:29

Sounds horrendous

Is there anything good about him at all?

17yr olds can be lazy, but leave him to it, his room, his mess...unless it sneaks out into the house.

runningoutofjuice · 17/03/2018 11:32

On that basis harshbuttrue, op's dh should be working all weekend because presumably he gets fed during this time. Shopping, prepping, cooking, clearing up. Works both ways.

KnittedBlanketHoles · 17/03/2018 11:32

I don't get it, at all. I'm not in a relationship so I'm not seeing the upside. What is the upside?

feelingfree17 · 17/03/2018 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HisBetterHalf · 17/03/2018 11:48

Sorry but if OH asked me what housework I had done that day that would be the end of us

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