Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH getting at me because he works more hours

132 replies

SquashFeet · 17/03/2018 07:41

DH works Monday to Thursday 7.30-5.30 and Friday 7.30- 12.30 and Saturday 7.30-11.30. He does have the option to condense these hours into Monday-Friday but he chooses to work Saturdays instead.

I work Monday-Thursday 8am-5pm.

He works more hours, I get it. Yet he's so bloody bitter about it and goes on about it like it's my fault he has to work more hours and questions me about what housework I've done on my days off.

Like yesterday I went and bought a couple of reed diffusers, got home and the dog had ripped the couch up so I got distracted with sorting that out and left one of the boxes on the sofa instead of throwing it away. On the other hand I did a load of washing, put everyone's clothes away, tidied the bedroom and cleaned the kitchen. I also went to gym. He came home at 12.30 and whined that I'd been off all day and couldn't even be arsed to clean a box off the sofa. I ignored him cos I knew he was after a row so later on when he'd had a drink he starts ranting that my son had mucky pots in his bedroom and I'd been off work all day and couldn't even be arsed to sort the pots out. He doesn't consider the things I DO do. He then carries on making digs about how many hours he works saying stuff like "oh well, better get to bed, back at work tomorrow as usual" and "well, one more shift and it's weekend for me too, well, one and a half days anyway" etc etc

It's making me want to leave him!! I have no interest in working more hours just to match what he works. We're financially comfortable with over a grand spare each month after all bills and groceries have been paid for. I'm not going to work more just to appease him. His ex wife never worked at all (ever) yet that was fine - but with me he's so bloody bitter about it I sometimes think I'd be happier single

OP posts:
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 17/03/2018 08:01

Yes I do 100% of the shopping, 100% of the laundry, 99% of the cooking, the kitchen every day, im the only one that hoovers and washes the floors, change the beds etc etc baring in mind I work 30 hours a week too.

And does he recognise this and appreciate it? If not, I'd cut him off. No cooking for him, no cleaning anything of his, no helping him out in any way. He needs to understand exactly how much you do while you're off work having the life of Riley. And instead of painting him a picture and jumping through hoops, just stop. Let him see exactly how bloody good he currently has things.

Flamingoringo · 17/03/2018 08:01

Be blunt with him, tell him you’d be happier without his childish whinging.

AnarchyKitty · 17/03/2018 08:04

Next time he whinges he's only got one and a half days for his weekend, remind him that's his decision and repeat each and every time.
Or just LTB.

S0ph1a · 17/03/2018 08:06

I agree he sounds like a selfish controlling arse.

How does your teenager get on with him?

Original poster
SquashFeet · 17/03/2018 08:07

When he was moaning about it last night I started listing what I HAD done yesterday and he just kept cutting me off and saying it wasn't the point.

I don't even know what enjoyment we do have together other than holidays. The rest of the time is spent working, doing housework and getting under each other's feet in the house because he never wants to go out. We could go out for dinner some nights as we have no little kids but he can never be arsed. We don't do anything on weekends, we don't even have sex unless I push for it and that's maybe once a fortnight, on a Sunday morning. Never spontaneous as he's decided now that he's too tired to have sex on an evening or during the week. He drinks heavily on a Friday and Saturday night so that gives us a "sex window" of Sunday mornings only. What fun is that? Scheduled sex and only if I push for it.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 17/03/2018 08:07

He had good GCSEs and didn't want to do the UKCAT as well as the BMAT so those things indicated certain places. It took about fifteen minutes of his time to check out the bottom lines, although of course he already knew of certain reputations eg Birmingham (then) very keen on a flood of As etc. This didn't require any input from anyone other than him*
What about gardening, DIY etc...

I do get your OH. I work 5 long days a week, have done so all my life, I'm now in my late 40 and the idea of working 4 days instead of 5 sounds like heaven. One day when yes, you have things to do BUT you can do them in your own time and if you really really didn't want to do it, well you wouldn't get sack for it.

You say yourself you wouldn't want to work more hours to match his and that you don't need to. You therefore appreciate the benefits. I agree that your OH sounds bitter and it's not right to take his frustration on you, but at the same time, you need to appreciate that you probably wouldn't be so keen to swap if you had a choice because indeed, your situation is more enjoyable.

Would you be happy to support him giving up Friday and Saturday work if he could even if it meant less money for him and you?

HeckyPeck · 17/03/2018 08:08

It sounds like he's setting you up to fail by telling you not to do more hours then moaning about it.

Is there anything good about him? Do you think he'd ever change? If not it may be time to consider your future.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/03/2018 08:09

He sounds like a joy to live with. Glass half empty mentality. You are correct. You cannot do right for wrong. Why are you letting him dictate and get involved with your hours? You are a woman in your own right.

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/03/2018 08:09

Grumpy, middle aged whinger.

You could try the broken record approach, every time he opens his mouth to whinge you say 'get a different job then.' Every. Time. Although I suspect he'll just shout over the top of you, because he doesn't want to hear it, he's just miserable for the sake of being miserable.

Or leave him.

chocolateiamydrug · 17/03/2018 08:10

he sounds like a miserable controlling arse and I'd guess you might be happier and less stressed without him

Original poster
SquashFeet · 17/03/2018 08:11

I've told him to cut his hours and all I get it "ha yeah, like it's that easy, we're not all on a 'work when you want' contract you know". I had a full time, permanent job and he encouraged me to leave it!!

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 17/03/2018 08:11

Cross posts there OP. Reading your update I don't think I could live with this man:

Drinks heavily every weekend day
Does 0 housework
Constantly finds fault with you
Doesn't want sex

It sounds like he brings nothing to your life except complaints and loneliness.

runningoutofjuice · 17/03/2018 08:11

So you are still 'working' after he gets home? Cooking, clearing away etc? I think I would stop doing any chores the minute after you have 'worked' equal hours each week. Cook and launder for yourself and your ds and leave the miserable lazy git to fend for himself. Childish I know but who could live like that? Alternatively, list all jobs and the time they take and divvy them up between you, see if he likes having to do invisible jobs and all the ones you do in the evenings and at weekends!

HeckyPeck · 17/03/2018 08:12

I've told him to cut his hours and all I get it "ha yeah, like it's that easy, we're not all on a 'work when you want' contract you know". I had a full time, permanent job and he encouraged me to leave it!!

He sounds worse and worse with each update. Hope you can escape OP

anothersuitcase · 17/03/2018 08:13

He sounds like a grumpy bitter middle aged toss pot

This sums it up perfectly

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 17/03/2018 08:13

The solution is in his hands, he cuts his own hours if he feels there is an imbalance. He can then do more at home.

Also, he would do well to remember that the amount of time spent at work does not necessarily correlate with productivity. You might be achieving as much or more in your shorter hours.

Grobagsforever · 17/03/2018 08:14

I ditched dating recently OP as I didn't want to get lumbered with a grumpy Middle aged git. Depressing how many men are like your DP.

RoadToRivendell · 17/03/2018 08:15

LTB. Today.

GreenTulips · 17/03/2018 08:15

just kept cutting me off and saying it wasn't the point

Then stop doing any of it - he can do his own

Original poster
SquashFeet · 17/03/2018 08:16

We also have the stress competition. He's sooooo much more stressed than me, his job is sooo much more important and sooo much more exhausting. He says he's dealing with millions of pounds of orders and products etc.

I'm a nurse dealing with lives, if I cock up, someone dies.

OP posts:
GnotherGnu · 17/03/2018 08:16

Tell him that, given the way he moans when you lose shifts because he wouldn't let you commit to them, you are no longer going to listen to him in that respect and will book the shifts that suit you. If that's inconvenient for him, tough.

runningoutofjuice · 17/03/2018 08:17

And why is it his decision whether you commit to future hours? I can't see any reason why you want to live with this person you don't sound like you are enjoying life at all.

LucyMorningStar · 17/03/2018 08:20

Jeez he sounds like a nightmare.
Don't do anything one day and let him see the outcome. Then he might understand what it is you do every day.

longestlurkerever · 17/03/2018 08:21

OP your posts make me sad. Life isn't supposed to be a perpetual grind. You sound so defensive about the housework - pointing out all the things you do and the reasons there was a box on the sofa. Valid points but just not the main one, which is that you're a free grown up and if you decide to prioritise something else with your free time you are perfectly able to make that choice. I have Fridays off. This cost me quite a bit in lost earnings and I might do the odd bit of clearing up to try and get on top of things but it'd be an absolute waste to spend the whole time doing housework. Yesterday I practised the piano, read a book in the garden and went for a swim, and appreciated every second. Life is precious.

whoareyoukidding · 17/03/2018 08:21

He is belittling you every day, playing at petty point-scoring to make you feel inadequate. How much longer do you really want to play his game? I suspect that one sure way to win is to live in a home that doesn't feature him in it.