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Original poster

DH getting at me because he works more hours

132 replies

SquashFeet · 17/03/2018 07:41

DH works Monday to Thursday 7.30-5.30 and Friday 7.30- 12.30 and Saturday 7.30-11.30. He does have the option to condense these hours into Monday-Friday but he chooses to work Saturdays instead.

I work Monday-Thursday 8am-5pm.

He works more hours, I get it. Yet he's so bloody bitter about it and goes on about it like it's my fault he has to work more hours and questions me about what housework I've done on my days off.

Like yesterday I went and bought a couple of reed diffusers, got home and the dog had ripped the couch up so I got distracted with sorting that out and left one of the boxes on the sofa instead of throwing it away. On the other hand I did a load of washing, put everyone's clothes away, tidied the bedroom and cleaned the kitchen. I also went to gym. He came home at 12.30 and whined that I'd been off all day and couldn't even be arsed to clean a box off the sofa. I ignored him cos I knew he was after a row so later on when he'd had a drink he starts ranting that my son had mucky pots in his bedroom and I'd been off work all day and couldn't even be arsed to sort the pots out. He doesn't consider the things I DO do. He then carries on making digs about how many hours he works saying stuff like "oh well, better get to bed, back at work tomorrow as usual" and "well, one more shift and it's weekend for me too, well, one and a half days anyway" etc etc

It's making me want to leave him!! I have no interest in working more hours just to match what he works. We're financially comfortable with over a grand spare each month after all bills and groceries have been paid for. I'm not going to work more just to appease him. His ex wife never worked at all (ever) yet that was fine - but with me he's so bloody bitter about it I sometimes think I'd be happier single

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 17/03/2018 08:22

Ah that well known unstressful job of nursing Grin

Leave him, he will suck the life out of you

ImListening · 17/03/2018 08:23

So he got you to leave your permanent job? Then complains about your current one? Red flags!!

cordeliavorkosigan · 17/03/2018 08:23

Leave him. This is not making you happy and you would be better off single, doing what you want and taking joy from it!

Beanteam · 17/03/2018 08:23

If there is a reason why he can't change his hours eg no other work in the area, job he has insists on certain amount of hours so it's not flexible.
Then I can see he might be peeved. Who earns what? Is he the better paid so that it is hard from him to cut back?
For me even if you are doing the housework (listening to your choice of music and at a time of day that suits you) is better than having to go to work. So I empathise a bit with him.
You could work more and pay a cleaner.
He is either a miserable twat or he perhaps hates his job.

MrsMozart · 17/03/2018 08:25

And his good points that override all this are...?

minmooch · 17/03/2018 08:25

The more you write the more I want to shout leave him, leave home, leave him. He will suck the joy out of you.

TheJoyOfSox · 17/03/2018 08:26

I’d stop with the housework. Just as soon as he has run out of clean pants then you can tell him you’ve done no laundry because he is always accusing you of being lazy, so now you are!

He sounds a right pig of a man to be honest. Definitely stop ironing his bloody shirts, if he thinks he is so hard working then he won’t mind a bit extra.

bakingaddict · 17/03/2018 08:26

I don't understand why you let him dictate when to accept your shifts. Surely if you want to work over the coming month then you let your workplace know in advance, it's your job and reliability at the end of the day and you never know if you will need the extra income of FT hours when you decide to LTB

gamerwidow · 17/03/2018 08:28

I don’t see what you’re getting out of this relationship he doesn’t seem very nice. I could understand a bit of you were desperate for money and he was working all hours to make ends meet and you wouldn’t increase you hours but you’re really comfortable so I don’t see his problem.
I work 3 days a week and DH works 5 I still expect him to do his share of stuff with DD and housework. I would be beyond pissed off if he started moaning about how much harder he has to work. I earn more than him even on less hours and I’d never rub that in his face either. We’re moth contributing to the house and doing our best.

Original poster
SquashFeet · 17/03/2018 08:29

I wanted to apply for a prison nurse job and he was dead against it saying I'd be around men that "hadn't been on a woman in years" etc - that was a full time job. I got an interview and everything.

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 17/03/2018 08:29

You could keep a timesheet for a few weeks to show how much work you do in the house: but there's no point. He's not interested in making things equal in your relationship: he's interested in scoring points against you and making you feel bad because he resents you for some reason.

You can't change him. But you can change how you respond to him.

Don't play his games.

Don't engage with him when he complains. Tell him that if he can't speak to you respectfully you're not going to listen to him. When he complains, tell him that you don't want to hear it anymore and that if he's not happy, he needs to make changes.

Recognise that you're working hard, doing everything, and deserve praise for that, not criticism. Consider how you can make your life more fun, and be more happy. You might realise that you'd be happier without him.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/03/2018 08:30

He sounds awful but I would question before immediately LTBing what’s behind this anger

Something is occurring in his world and he sounds very unhappy . I would be actually miserable working those hours . Miserable

Surprise him . Call a family meeting and try and find out why he is pusses off all the time . I would strongly err towards having him work 5 long days and having a proper weekend . If he doesn’t talk or engage with this then you need to have a think 🤔

Allthewaves · 17/03/2018 08:30

I think it's time.for.marriage counselling or leave. He's clearly unhappy and making you unhappy.

longestlurkerever · 17/03/2018 08:31

You could work more and pay a cleaner.. You could. If you chose. But this misses the point too. There isn't some objective number of hours every person should spend working/doing housework. You do enough to cover your costs and maintain whatever standards you set for yourself and if you're in a partnership you reach a joint agreement about what these are and how they are divvied up. But one person doesn't get to dictate what these standards are and then force the other to match their efforts to achieve them. And moan about their own efforts.

Neverender · 17/03/2018 08:32

Could you sit down and say he seems stressed and wants a cleaner house so perhaps he should go part time so he can cope better? That's what I'd try! Wink

Thebluedog · 17/03/2018 08:32

My ex was like this, note the’ex’ part!

I used to refer to him as the fun sponge. It never got better!

He always worked harder than me, was more stressed than me, was more tired than me, did more housework than me ... the list goes on.

The best thing I did was leave, he sucked the life out of everything.... life is too short to be living like this

DullAndOld · 17/03/2018 08:39

'hadn't been "on" a woman?'

the more you tell us about this person, the worse he sounds.

swingofthings · 17/03/2018 08:41

oops apologise for wrong copying posting!

It might be very true that indeed he is not able to change his hours at work, hence more frustration.

He is dealing with it badly, but maybe you could show a bit more sympathy. He is probably exhausted but think he has no choice but to continue as such. Maybe he doesn't see other alternatives. Can only assume that him just quitting his job would have disastrous impact on your life.

Also, he might indeed be more stressed than you. Yes being a nurse is demanding, but if you are happy and confident in your job whilst he is unhappy, constantly pressured, his job might indeed be more stressful.

I was in your OH shoes not long ago, miserable in a very demanding and stressful job and resented my husband whose job was so much more relaxed, fun and flexible. It then turned out that I was suffering from a medical condition that made things worse. I was extremely lucky to be able to apply for a less stressful job and I already feel less envious of my OH. Ironically, when I mentioned to my OH that I might be able to go go down to 4 days, he was the one not so enthusiastic, making a comment about pension contribution!

Maybe you need to take some time together and you need to get to the bottom as to why your OH is so miserable and whether there are any ways you can indeed help him through it?

PickAChew · 17/03/2018 08:42

He's a dickhead.

If the car needs servicing, he can take leave to do it or drop it off on his way to work and use a courtesy car. In future, don't let him dictate your shifts because you won't be able to please him, whatever you do.

I bet he always found fault with his ex, just about different things.

Sophiesdog11 · 17/03/2018 08:43

Why on earth are you still with this man? You dont have DC with him, he seems to bring nothing to your life apart from being a bully and trying to show he is better than you cos he works more hours.

He'd hate me - went 3 days after DS was born 20yrs ago and have no intention of ever going back to 5, despite youngest being almost 18. DH does 4.5 (he's a Contractor, so longish Mon-Thurs and then can finish Fri lunch). We have plenty of money so I am not going to kill myself working more days (with a long ish commute). My next change will be retirement in 5 years.

If DH dared to tell me I had a lesser job than him, less stress etc, I would leave him. I do most of cooking and washing but we also have a cleaner! And I am very untidy at times. We also have a dog (wasnt my choice) which I spend a lot of my time walking.

As for the 17yo pots - I have a 17yo DD - she studies in spare room and it fills up with all sorts of cups, pots, half empty packs of sweets, crisps etc. I sometimes tidy them but usually leave them for her to do. If DH dared to suggest it was my job to clear them, he would be told where to go!

Bananamanfan · 17/03/2018 08:47

Focus on your career and your ds, they will be there for you in future, unlike the dick you are married to. Please do whatever works best for you without reference to him.

ChasedByBees · 17/03/2018 08:51

I think you need to do what’s best for you in terms of your job and not listen to him as he won’t support the end result anyway.

Have you pointed out the inconsistency of his approach? If he cuts you off, you could try a letter.

Cornettoninja · 17/03/2018 08:55

One thing I've learnt is there is zero point communicating your point or defending your self with the same argument more than once. If someone doesn't take it on board the first time they're not going to develop empathy or understanding the subsequent billion times.

I do have some sympathy for your dh - I would hate to have to physically leave the house six days a week for work even if it was less hours. Simple solution to that is I don't. He's not working particularly unusual hours for full time so from what I can tell it isn't for overtime and financial gain. He's a berk to keep doing something that clearly makes him unhappy and has a solution practically sitting in his lap.

I'm joining in with the chorus who can't see why you should continue to put up with it but short term my advice would be to roll your eyes and leave the room whenever he starts whinging about having the hardest life in the world. Stop engaging his sense of martyrdom.

NoSquirrels · 17/03/2018 08:57

Fucking hell OP.

You don’t need his permission to sort your work shifts. FGS commit to whatever you think is reasonable and then if something comes up, you can both deal with it then. Pissing work around because your DH doesn’t fancy you being in control of your own life is stupid. And if you want to I work in a prison, do it.

If he doesn’t like your choices to the extent you row about it, then either one of you can leave.

He sounds delightful Hmm

Beanteam · 17/03/2018 08:59

wanted to apply for a prison nurse job and he was dead against it saying I'd be around men that "hadn't been on a woman in years" etc - that was a full time job. I got an interview and everything.

You went along with this?