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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH getting at me because he works more hours

132 replies

SquashFeet · 17/03/2018 07:41

DH works Monday to Thursday 7.30-5.30 and Friday 7.30- 12.30 and Saturday 7.30-11.30. He does have the option to condense these hours into Monday-Friday but he chooses to work Saturdays instead.

I work Monday-Thursday 8am-5pm.

He works more hours, I get it. Yet he's so bloody bitter about it and goes on about it like it's my fault he has to work more hours and questions me about what housework I've done on my days off.

Like yesterday I went and bought a couple of reed diffusers, got home and the dog had ripped the couch up so I got distracted with sorting that out and left one of the boxes on the sofa instead of throwing it away. On the other hand I did a load of washing, put everyone's clothes away, tidied the bedroom and cleaned the kitchen. I also went to gym. He came home at 12.30 and whined that I'd been off all day and couldn't even be arsed to clean a box off the sofa. I ignored him cos I knew he was after a row so later on when he'd had a drink he starts ranting that my son had mucky pots in his bedroom and I'd been off work all day and couldn't even be arsed to sort the pots out. He doesn't consider the things I DO do. He then carries on making digs about how many hours he works saying stuff like "oh well, better get to bed, back at work tomorrow as usual" and "well, one more shift and it's weekend for me too, well, one and a half days anyway" etc etc

It's making me want to leave him!! I have no interest in working more hours just to match what he works. We're financially comfortable with over a grand spare each month after all bills and groceries have been paid for. I'm not going to work more just to appease him. His ex wife never worked at all (ever) yet that was fine - but with me he's so bloody bitter about it I sometimes think I'd be happier single

OP posts:
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 17/03/2018 08:59

I'm single and work 4 days a week. Sometimes I do necessary stuff like shopping, housework, diy. Other times I meet friends for lunch, exercise or lie in the sofa with the cat. I'm in control of what I do.
Your H sound a like a miserable controlling man who wants you to feel bad.

OliviaStabler · 17/03/2018 08:59

How long has he been like this OP?

Cornettoninja · 17/03/2018 08:59

Oh and stop letting him dictate your employment - he's clearly got the idea everyone should be unhappy as possible at work - balls to that.

chocolateiamydrug · 17/03/2018 09:03

so you need his permission to work in s different role/more hours which he won't give you but at the same time he berates you for working less hours than he does?

he is a miserable moaning git who spends his weekend drinking (when he is not working), no sex life.

Is there anything you like/love about him?

you don't have children together, you have your own job. You could easily do this on your own much more happily.

sometimes, unhappy relationships are the loneliest place to be.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 17/03/2018 09:03

He’s a dickhead OP. I couldn’t be with him.

harshbuttrue1980 · 17/03/2018 09:04

Usually on mumsnet the mantra is that both people in a marriage should have equal free time. This is something I agree with. Therefore, I can see why he was annoyed that you had a day off when he was at work and had time to go to the gym but not time to clear the box up. If one person has to work x hours, the other person should be filling x hours with either work, housework or childcare. Assuming both partners are healthy, there's no reason why either man or woman should have more me-time than the other. If I was married to someone who had been at home all day while I was at work, I'd expect to come home to a tidy house rather than hear that they'd been at the gym.

Ilovecamping · 17/03/2018 09:06

Why don't you suggest he cut his hours or look for something with shorter hours, my partner went to working 3 days a week at age 40 but he was an HGV driver and could work 45 hours in those 3 days. I only worked part time and we managed well financially, we had a better quality of life and we were able to be around for our kids.

DullAndOld · 17/03/2018 09:07

" the other person should be filling x hours with either work, housework or childcare. "

well OP does that, doesn't she?

OutyMcOutface · 17/03/2018 09:08

You need to start logging the hours of housework then start moaning loudly about how you work more. When he has a go at you point out that you are just doing what he does.

LucyMorningStar · 17/03/2018 09:13

Harshbuttrue, are the OP's husband? Where is this rule book you're getting this crap out of?

longestlurkerever · 17/03/2018 09:16

Usually on mumsnet the mantra is that both people in a marriage should have equal free time. This is true if it's part of a shared agreement about how you divvy up your responsibilities to meet your shared financial and domestic standards. It doesn't apply if one person has unilaterally decided to work more hours than they need to to meet those shared standards and refuses to engage with any suggestions as to how that might be reduced. The OP has consistently said that she thinks he should reduce his hours, and presumably was content enough with the state of the house. It's not like she's lounging around and expecting him to do everything.

GreenTulips · 17/03/2018 09:17

but not time to clear the box up

Gosh - have her shot immediately!

Poor lamb only just managed that loooong walk to the bin, lift the lid and actively toss it in .... I hope he was provided with suitable refreshments and a blankie

longestlurkerever · 17/03/2018 09:23

It'd be the same if the OP was obsessively cleaning everything that was already clean and moaning if her DH sat down to have a cuppa.

poobumwee · 17/03/2018 09:25

I'm so sorry, but he sounds like a twat! I would not be able to live with someone who shows me zero respect
As someone else said, note down all the hours you work at home and then see who does the most hours. Guarantee it won't be him. And I'd tell him to look for a job with fewer hours if he isn't happy or to shut the fuck up bleating on at you about it! Marriage is about teamwork

rothbury · 17/03/2018 09:33

He sounds like a real prince.

I couldn't live like this.

BlueBelle123 · 17/03/2018 09:35

OP you said that his first wife never worked did she take him to the cleaners on divorce and so is bitter about that and so doesn't want it to happen again..........you clearly need to get to the bottom of his unreasonable attitude.

pointythings · 17/03/2018 09:42

harsh did you not read the bit where OP says she does 100% of the cleaning, 99% of the cooking - and he does basically fuck-all? Until he starts pulling his weight domestically instead of whinging about how hard he works, he has no right to complain if OP doesn't meet his exacting standards on her day off.

whiskyowl · 17/03/2018 09:45

If you are doing housework, you are working.

I intone this like a mantra on every one of these threads, but it's worth repeating. He can only manage the hours he does because you are mangaging things at home. Domestic labour is not an optional extra - it is essential to survival. Without food, without a safe, clean space, you would both quickly get ill. Your time at home is not "time off", it's another kind of work, which is contributing in a big way to his wage. And it's a pretty thankless series of menial tasks compared to a career, too!

He needs to recognise your contribution to his life, and to be grateful for it. If he has a problem with his hours (which are long) then he needs to sort that out himself, rather than engaging in this passive-aggressive behaviour with you.

lazymum99 · 17/03/2018 09:47

" the other person should be filling x hours with either work, housework or childcare. "
Why? Just because one partner is working doesn't mean the other has to do some other chore.
Does no on take pleasure out of knowing their partner has enjoyed their day relaxing or whatever. Is it a competition as to who does the most.
The expression he used about the men in prison is awful. The heavy drinking, the deciding he is too tired for sex before you've even got there. All really bad signs.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 17/03/2018 09:49

After reading your Op I was thinking that the sex must be great and that is why you were prepared to put up with his behaviour, but after reading your further posts, oh dear Op. He really doesn't sound like he brings anything positive to your life, in fact he sounds like he drains all the fun out it. I do think that you would be happier and more content away from this man. At least you could go out and have great sex regularly if you wanted to.

viques · 17/03/2018 09:49

So some weeks he only works 6 hours more of paid work than you? I would put yourself on the clock. Match his paid hours with your paid and unpaid hours then STOP. Put your feet up then tell him you are withdrawing your additional labour in sympathy and solidarity with his excessive work load. Yo! Power to the people.

StealthPolarBear · 17/03/2018 09:50

Why are you with him

RoadToRivendell · 17/03/2018 09:53

Uh, I can't even imagine what my husband would do if I wanted to work as a nurse in a men's prison. Certainly something that MN would deem controlling.

But, he is really draining the joy out of your life, and you don't want to be saddled with an alcoholic. They don't fix themselves. Seriously, this guy is bad news.

AskBasil · 17/03/2018 09:58

Do you have children with this man?

If not, just leave him. Now. Don't bother to get to the bottom of why he's like this, it doesn't matter, it's his issue, not your's, just leave him, get out of there and live alone where you aren't nagged or find someone who isn't like this.

If you do have kids, still leave him, but it might take longer.

The long and the short of it is that he is a man who resents you and is in competition with you and has no respect for you. He shows you daily, that he has no respect for you.

Why would anyone live like this unless they have absolutely no other choice? Just leave, now if you can.

Idontevencareanymore · 17/03/2018 09:58

Op you need to ask yourself what you get out of this relationship. Ask him.what he gets from it.

Neither of you sound like you particularly like one another. It's not sounding like their is lots of love or support for each other.

I'd be finding out why he acts the way he does and if no changes were forthcoming I'd be making plans to change my life. Without him.

As for moaning you left a box on a sofa, well. It's hardly going to impact anyone's day as it takes 30 seconds to pick up and put in a bin. That's really petty and would have seriously pissed me off.